Today’s Thoughts on Vomit Bags
November 16th, 2005
You’d think someone would come up with a more friendly-feeling vomit bag.
Let’s face it — you’ve all been there before. Sitting on a plane, dealing with turbulence, just having eaten some kind of square shaped meal covered in mandarin orange colored gravy, and you start to feel a rumbling in your stomach and the sweats begin. You suddenly realize that somethings comin’ up and you need to catch it quick so you “grab for the bag.”
It’s like hurling into a ream of paper.
Sure, there are people out there who have said to me, “You know, Pauly D — when I feel nauseous and I think I’m going to hurl, I don’t head for the toilet or pull out a huge old tupperware vat we used to chill beer in, I go find the reams of paper and get down to business… There’s something about the stark white paper that reminds me of the womb…” Yes, fine… But these people, they are the minority.
The rest of us, when feeling vulnerable, don’t want to have to blow hard into a flatly-pressed strip of paper in order to open it wide enough to accept our fluids. The rest of us, when feeling sickness about to take center stage, do not want to hear the rustling of a mass-produced paper baggie nor do we want to see a diagram in red ink illustrating just how to projectile vomit. No, we don’t.
We want fur.
Well, I want fur. I want a fur-lined vomit bag that’s soft to the touch. It can be a combination of cotton, cashmere and fur, but it’s got to at least be made up of 50% fur. I want to feel comforted as I pick up that bag, feeling sick, and I want to feel the cold softness against my cheek. I want it to feel like the time I rested my head on the toilet seat, that just happened to be covered in one of those fur-lined toilet seat covers.
I want the hurling experience to be softened as much as it possibly can be.
Fur gives you hives? Don’t like the fact that your liquids may catch on certain strands of the fur and not go all the way down? So replace fur with a fabric you find calming. Do you like rayon? How about silk? Maybe a vomit bag that gets rid of the bag and introduces a motorcycle or scooter helmet in its place is the way to put you at ease? Maybe you’d just prefer the person next to you to put their newspaper on your lap?
The options are endless.
But where we stand now…our civilized society, seems almost blasphemous. We are an intelligent society who can figure out how to send a man to a stage somewhere, where we film a fake moon landing and convince the public it was real… So why can’t we create an airplane vomit bag that doesn’t make us want to run for the hills (which are real, and have not been faked). Why can’t we create a comfortable to use, soft to the touch, childhood reminiscent vomit bag that takes some of the stress out of the “puking your guts out” scenario and tries to infuse a little bit of happiness into the situation?
We want A.I..
Yes, I want artificially-intelligent vomit bags that say things like: “Ever-y-thin-g is go-ing to beeee o-kay, my friend..” in a Stephen Hawking-like voice. I want the bag to say things like: “Bag is al-most full to cap-a-city, my friend… Pl-ease ask for ass-istance and a fre-sh b-ag.” I want the A.I. vomit bag to ask me what my favorite birthday present from 1989 was. I want the A.I. vomit bag to get my head out of the situation at hand, and to get me talking about myself so that I’ll soon forget just how unhappy I am.
All any of us humans want in this life is for people to take care of us. All any of us humans want in this life is for people to be interested in how we feel. All any of us humans want in this life…is a more comfortable, extremely soft, artificially-enhanced airplane vomit bag so we don’t have to hate flying even more than we already do.
Sure, airlines aren’t serving food on the planes anymore. Nor are they serving drinks. Or giving you seat belts or giving you pillows. But sure, they’re still giving us vomit bags that leave something to be desired. And I say, as long as they’re still giving us something, let’s get them to make it something that we really want.
I’m Pauly D. And as you read this I’m winging my way to New York City. I only hope they’ve resolved this vomit bag situation before I get there… Because, well…I want a more friendly-feeling vomit bag.
And there really isn’t any other way around it.
i was just on a plane last night and realized that those vomit bags are really just coffee bags! serious! isn’t that strange? does vomit even come close to the consistency of ground arabica beans?
and aren’t people typically hopped up on enough valium these days to reduce the need for these things anymore? i’d rather have a friggin blanket in the “seatback pocket” than an empty bag of coffee.
Comment by kristine — November 16, 2005 @ 6:48 am
I was already nauseated this morning to begin with (please God don’t let me be pregnant just yet!) and your post just upped the ante. Thanks, Paulie, thanks.
(PS- if you want a softer feeling “vomit bag”, why not pull off the pillowcase from those tiny pillows they give you and yack into those? They’re not very fuzzy, but at least they’re less clammy-feeling than those bags.)
Comment by Kristi — November 16, 2005 @ 7:09 am
I’ll take mine in leather, thank you.
Comment by laurie — November 16, 2005 @ 8:01 am
http://www.designforchunks.com/base.html
click the archive link.
Comment by monkeyinabox — November 16, 2005 @ 8:27 am
I know someone who collects vomit bags…
unused ones of course!
Comment by kristin — November 16, 2005 @ 8:34 am
ahhh, this reminds me of the time when my sister and I (being stupid creative) made up the vomit bag song on a plane.
Comment by Kathleen — November 16, 2005 @ 8:38 am
Fur lined, eh? I can see it. It would be much more pleasant. Even those collecting used bags would revel in the soft feel of the pouch of intestinal spew that they hold in their hands. You can carry one with you should the urge arise (literally and figuratively) and still be stylish! Big props! Now copyright that idea and get to work.
I can see that as a book title, as well… “Fur-Lined Barf Bags.” NYT top 10 bestseller based solely on the title, I’m sure!
Comment by Kevin — November 16, 2005 @ 9:03 am
Suddenly my lunch is looking MUCH less appetizing.
Gee thanks Paul.
Comment by LisaBinDaCity — November 16, 2005 @ 9:14 am
It took a lot of thought and foreshadowing to come up with the concept of paper to catch highly volatile liquids…of course I think this was in the 70’s when paper was stronger, quicker, dare I say more able to catch our barfing arcs of spew? Now they could at least ask “paper or plastic?”
Comment by Shawna — November 16, 2005 @ 9:16 am
This was the most fun I’ve ever had reading about puke. Thanks, Paul! And, Kristine? You are so right - they ARE just coffee bags! I never noticed…
I want my AI vomit bag to hold my hair back whilst I yak. Is that too much to ask?
Comment by Flower Girl — November 16, 2005 @ 10:05 am
How about designer yak bags so you can puke in style?
Gucci yak bags, Coach yak bags, Tommy yak bags, DKNY yak bags, Calvin yak bags, . . . . .
Comment by Rachel — November 16, 2005 @ 10:30 am
It’s all about convenience. And disposability. You wouldn’t try to wash your fur lined puke bag, now would you?
Comment by Hilary — November 16, 2005 @ 11:06 am
With the rising potency of vomit in our day, I’m thinking some sort of animal bladder or a large hollowed out gourd would be more appropriate (and eco-friendly). Perhaps a dried yak stomach?
Comment by Matt — November 16, 2005 @ 11:44 am
The fur and A.I. ideas are all nice but you forget about one of the most important effects of vomiting– being ostracised. When you vomit in public you prove that America does indeed have a caste system as you immediately become “that guy who threw up.”
Perhaps the commonality of a brown paper bag was intended to remove the shame that came with the throw up blame. You could walk out of the crowd and into a new unsuspecting one without any care of being identified as the “puking dude.”
Any additional features like fur or A.I. would need to conform to the brown paper bag model. This way you, the vomiter, can have both the added comfort yet still walk around like you just bought a fresh cup of coffee and a danish.
The shame. Don’t forget the shame.
Comment by Michael Lorenzo — November 16, 2005 @ 11:50 am
The best is the disposal part of the whole deal. You have to gracefully carry this vomit-filled baggie down the aisles of the plane looking for a trash receptacle, or else you’ve gotta hand it off to a flight attendant. This is like choosing between tree bark or sandpaper when there’s nothing else available to wipe with.
Comment by Chris — November 16, 2005 @ 11:56 am
i don’t want fur anywhere near my puke. no thanks.
Comment by ms. sizzle — November 16, 2005 @ 11:58 am
Show of hands: how many of you have actually ever puked in an airline barf bag?
Maybe everyone on board should just be required to wear one on their face like a feed bag. That would also help with the whole germ-spreading issues I have on planes.
Comment by jenny — November 16, 2005 @ 12:44 pm
Maybe a little video screen attached to the bag that showing clips of beautiful naked women, so while I am vommiting I can at least look at something pleasing. Although that could make an embarassing situation even worse I suppose.
Comment by Dan — November 16, 2005 @ 12:54 pm
I think this video screen idea is a good one, Dan. Maybe they could come out with Harry Potter vomit bags with scenes from the movie.
A whole new way of marketing puke!
Comment by Pauly D — November 16, 2005 @ 5:37 pm
I could really get on board with the porn puke bags. Now THERE is a first line of a short story if I ever heard one.
Comment by HighMaintenanceHussy — November 16, 2005 @ 8:26 pm
hey isn’t the Ugg handbag the exact description of what you want in a puke bag? It’s lined with shearling (hey, it’s sheep “fur”), and looks of course, like the purse equivalent of the UGGly boot.
but then again wouldn’t a fur lined puke bag get all goopy? ewwww.
Comment by C(h)ristine — November 16, 2005 @ 9:41 pm
This entry made me laugh out loud a lot. I will admit that on my first airline trip I was forced to use one because I had decided that not sleeping would equal no jetlag (hey it worked on the way there!). As I found out when we touched down, my stomach didn’t agree. Since I had waited until the people I knew had gotten off I had to deal with strangers asking if I was okay… Not fun.
And I think they should at least give out elastics with puke bags if not someone to hold back your hair. Flowergirl I agree I want my AI puke bag to hold back my hair. I need nothing else from it.
Comment by andi — November 16, 2005 @ 10:35 pm
And when you’re not using your fur-lined vomit bag for well…vomitting…it could double as a hat! Kinda like Dr.Zhivago-ish.
Also…I could had definitely used a vomit bag last night as my kid projectile vomited and missed the toilet completely.
Comment by groovebunny — November 16, 2005 @ 11:16 pm
We ARE talking fake fur, right Pauly?
Comment by nic — November 17, 2005 @ 12:16 pm
Hmm.. Perhaps it’s time to design a pattern for a knitted vomit bag cozy. And what’s all this talk about fur? Are you and J-Lo back together? Does this have anything to do with Heather Mills McCartney’s prosthetic leg?
Comment by Darrel — November 18, 2005 @ 12:23 am
Will the A.I. barf bag offer you a breath mint when you’re done?
Comment by Rabbit — November 19, 2005 @ 4:57 pm