Today’s Open Letter From My Pinky Toe
November 15th, 2005
Dude, Pauly. Let me just give you some props before I get all hatin’ on you.
You’re a good guy. I know this. I like hangin’ out with you, although you often don’t give me my own personal space. Still, it’s not like you’re ever all, “Dude, you’re staying home tonight and I’m going to go out and party” or anything like that. You always bring me along for the ride and, you know, that rocks. We’re thick like thieves, bruddah.
But why do you gotta keep smashing me in the head?
You know that big stone thing you have right in front of the fireplace? Yeah, I think it’s called a hearth or something…? Well did you know that it’s made of friggin’ stone!? Hard, cold, sharp stone. Yet every single time you walk past that baby you gotta smash my damn head into the corner of it. Trust me, I see you hopping around and stuff and screaming, but it’s just your pinky toe that hurts. For me, my whole damn body is on fire.
On fire, I tell you.
And, um, while I’m addressing the fact that you often smash me in the head, can we talk about the whole middle-of-the-night out-of-joint thing? Here’s the deal, Pauly… It is not humanly possible to crook your foot backwards and use your pinky toe to scratch the back of your thigh. Well, you can try, but then do you know what happens? I have an epileptic seizure. Yeah, yeah, you feel it too. Cry me a river.
Um, and can you stop wearing flip flops? First of all, nobody wears socks with flip flops. On top of that, by wearing socks with flip flops, you think you’re wearing shoes and your toes are protected, but socks don’t protect jack. So when you slam your foot against a curb while you’re running in flip flops (which isn’t wise by any feat of the imagination), it feels like you just dropped an H2 on me. An H2. Do you know how big and heavy those Hummers are?
Like I said, you’re a cool guy and all — but I would really appreciate it if you’d stop smashing me in the head, giving me epileptic seizures and crushing my frail body against concrete curbs on the city streets.
Love ya. Mean it.
ok. your pinky toe has no room to talk. I have broken mine FOUR times.
Comment by Kathleen — November 15, 2005 @ 10:37 am
Hmph. Whenever I hear voices, all they do is tell me to stalk Angelina Jolie. I never get a heartwarming chat from any of my body parts.
Comment by Dave2 — November 15, 2005 @ 11:02 am
Pauly -
Your pinky toe will be more forgiving if you give it kisses.
You might also consider treating it to its own miniature suit of armor.
Which pinky toe have you been abusing…left or right? Both!?
Comment by Flower Girl — November 15, 2005 @ 11:06 am
I’m glad your appendages like you. Mine get all uppity when I stub them.
Comment by HighMaintenanceHussy — November 15, 2005 @ 11:40 am
I just heard my pinky toe screaming ’suck on this!!!!!!!!’
I’m scared.
Comment by monkeyinabox — November 15, 2005 @ 12:06 pm
I think I’m most shocked to find that you wear socks with flip flops. Who knew!?
Comment by Hilary — November 15, 2005 @ 2:19 pm
Pauly - maybe your toes and my toes could get a dialogue going about the hazzards of smashing them into the hearth or wall or whathaveyou. It’s not only my pinky toe, actually, my digits (fingers and toes) have all been broken at least twice.
Comment by Laurs — November 15, 2005 @ 2:52 pm
As you can very well see, Laurs, my toes are happy to do the dialogue thing.
Comment by Pauly D — November 15, 2005 @ 3:33 pm
I think it’s time you invested in some steel-toed boots. You know, before your pinky toe stops speaking to you. Cause that would be . . . weird.
Comment by Rabbit — November 15, 2005 @ 4:34 pm
I would appreciate hearing from all Pauly’s appendages.
O_o
Comment by Glen C. — November 15, 2005 @ 4:50 pm
Your pinky toe is writing you letters, Pauly. I think it’s time you take a vacation. You need it.
Comment by Amy — November 15, 2005 @ 5:28 pm
Good suggestion, Amy. I’m leaving tomorrow.
Comment by Pauly D — November 15, 2005 @ 5:32 pm
Oh man, that reminds me when I was supposed to be studying for an exam but instead was goofing on my computer and then I suddenly realized I had to pee, so I rushed out of my bedroom but forgot to bring my left pinky toe with me. It instead decided to get personal with the door frame.
I never managed to study the rest of the day. The pinky toe insisted it be elevated and cooled with ice packs.
Comment by gillian — November 15, 2005 @ 5:39 pm
My pinky toe stopped speaking to me the day it found itself under a horse’s hoof. Not a word since.
Your pinky toe should thank you, it only gets smashed into a stone hearth.
Comment by Rachel — November 15, 2005 @ 7:54 pm
My pinky toe is oddly shaped. I don’t think it’s very bright either because it never writes me letters.
Comment by Jaclyn — November 15, 2005 @ 7:57 pm
*Snort!*
So glad I wasn’t reading this at work today.
I’m sure my pinky toe would love to tell me off for insisting it get jammed in cute little shoes that make blisters. Or for neglecting its desire to participate in a nice pedicure. I’m sure it’s in cahoots with my big toe, which bears the brunt of the toe-bashing on things like the leg of the coffee table or the corner of the vacuum cleaner I keep forgetting to put back in the closet or the random wheel of the shopping cart my boyfriend always manages to run me over with.
Oh, yes. My toes would curse me indeed.
In fact, I’m most certain it’s my toes that are responsible for the epiphets that escape my lips when I crunch them into things while meandering around in the dark. Somehow, “Turn on a light, you jackass!” comes out as “Holy fuck!” and I’m certain it’s that my toes doen’t speak English and I’ve simply made a mistake in the translation.
*Wink*
Comment by leesepea — November 15, 2005 @ 10:55 pm
I’m so impressed with your Pinky Toe’s diction and grammar! Whenever I talk to mine, he espouses ebonics. For example, yesterday my Pinky Toe yelled “Ey, what’up honky? Why ya gots to be all up in ma grill with them clippers and sheeyit?”
I mean…how am I supposed to respond to that?
Comment by Fabe — November 16, 2005 @ 12:54 am
And it’ll be going, “Wee-wee-wee” all the way to the hospital if you’re not more careful, Clod.
Poor little pinky.
Comment by nic — November 16, 2005 @ 5:42 am
i for one would NOT like to hear from any more of your appendages, Paul.
Comment by kristine — November 16, 2005 @ 6:06 am
Is wearing socks with flip flops a LA thing or just a Pauly thing? lol
Comment by groovebunny — November 16, 2005 @ 11:20 pm
okay let me spell something out for you. this is your thumb and i’ve about had with this “everybody pity the toe thing”! you slam me in doors, burn me on stoves and prick me with needles. now let’s just take a minute and examine this. let’s pretend someone takes a telephone pole, runs it through your body and sucks out your innards. not fun! i don’t think i get the respect i deserve, considering i’m what seperates you from the apes, opposable thumbs and all. so if i were you, i’d be careful, or one of these days you’ll be driving down the road holding a piping cup of hot coffee over your crotch and i might just let it go!
Comment by chelsea — November 18, 2005 @ 7:44 am
Thank you, Mister Thumb.
Comment by Pauly D — November 18, 2005 @ 8:08 am