Today’s Thoughts on Public Apple Eaters
November 13th, 2005
There’s something strange about public apple eaters.
Just like people who chew gum while they talk to you always come across as someone who couldn’t care less about what you have to say (or what they’re saying themselves) simply due to the fact that their mouth is moving and snapping and chewing gum repeatedly — public apple eaters also seem to communicate a specific emotional state. They want to make sure you know one very important piece of information.
That one very important piece of information? Public apple eaters want to make sure you know that they think they are so better than you.
Usually when you come in contact with public apple eaters they’re leaning up against a sign or a pole or some building somewhere, putting their weight on one shoulder as they casually grasp an apple in one hand. They’ve got a napkin, sometimes, but that’s less the issue than their ego-healthy apple-spinning mouth crunch that they’ve got goin’ on. You know you’ve seen it. Public apple eaters are trying to prove their greatness to the world.
Think about it. You know how messy eating an apple can be. You know that once you start eating an apple, the countdown to brown-repulsive apple-core begins. You’ve got like five minutes before that apple turns gross and you’d better have a napkin or paper towel thick enough with you to wrap up the brown core and hide it from others. There’s nothing worse than a public apple eater who walks around grasping a brown apple core while he/she talks to you — you just can’t get your eye off the brown core. So, public apple eaters know this, and just by going out in public eating an apple…they’re already throwing a certain amount of disdain at the world.
If you find yourself talking to a leaning-public apple eater with no napkin in site, you’re talking to someone who thinks they’re better than you in each and every way.
Then throw in the one-hand apple-chomp/spin that public apple eaters use while leaning up against buildings or what not, and don’t ignore the aspect of their open-mouth public apple chewing habits, and there’s no question in anyone’s mind that the public apple eater should be one of the more hated people on the face of the Earth. Sure, they might be up there with the annoying fried-zucchini proponents (who insist you must like fried-zucchini) and the retarded public yo-yo’ers (who for some odd reason take a yo-yo everywhere and do tricks while you’re trying to have a conversation with them) and the idiotic wannabe mimes (who aren’t mimes but like to prove to you that they can make it look like they’re trapped in an invisible box) — but the public apple eaters are #1 on my list for the most egotistical, public fruit eaters around.
Ask a public apple eater why he/she is eating an apple and you’ll usually get one of three responses (and this has been well-documented so don’t try to disprove this):
- “Apples are good for you.”
- “What, you don’t like apples?”
- “They’re in season, that’s why.”
Yes, that’s right. Public apple eaters are also masters at misdirection — instead putting the brunt of responsibility on you, asking you why you don’t like apples, alluding to the fact that you’re obviously not looking out for your own healthfulness or else you too would be eating an apple… And really, who uses a fruit’s seasonal calendar to justify why one eats a fruit?
Plain and simple, public apple eaters aren’t in it for the healthfulness or the seasonal juicy goodness. Public apple eaters aren’t in it because they love apples or because an apple a day keeps the physician and the HMOs away. Public apple eaters eat apples in public because they think they are better than all of us.
That’s why, whenever I talk to a public apple eater, I usually try to slap the apple out of their hand and onto the concrete in what I like to call my antagonistic apple-slap.
Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t. Because public apple eaters always have a tight grasp on their egos, their attitudes and their apples.
Damn them. Damn them all to Hell.
I just love to say “apple-slap” out loud.
Comment by nic — November 13, 2005 @ 10:09 am
As I live 15 minutes from Wenatchee, Washington (self-proclaimed “Apple Capitol of the World”)… I don’t think I am overstepping my bounds when I say that the Washington Apple Commission thanks you for your support!
This assumes, of course, that any publicity is good publicity.
And that eating apples from Washington State makes you so healthy that you are tough enough to take a slap from an apple-eater-slapper.
If it’s any consolation, I am a closet apple eater. I like apples but, until public attitudes change, I suppose my “filthy habit” will have to remain a secret vice.
Comment by Dave2 — November 13, 2005 @ 10:22 am
Thank God, Dave.
Thank God.
Comment by Pauly D — November 13, 2005 @ 10:35 am
I love it when you make me laugh so hard that the tears are rolling and I’ve little choice but to change my pants.
I could never be a public apple eater as I have yet to figure out a way to cart around my hot caramel dip and crushed pecans that accompany the delight that is my appley treat. Some things are just better kept behind closed doors.
Comment by lu — November 13, 2005 @ 12:09 pm
I chew gum while I talk to people, but I tuck it in my cheek as I’m actually speaking. So I’m not some kind of chewer-talker hussy. I guess I’m not that bad, right? Right???
Comment by Jaclyn — November 13, 2005 @ 12:22 pm
I’m a public apple eater and proud. Of course, I’m also better than everyone else.
Comment by Lizzie — November 13, 2005 @ 12:24 pm
What about public ice-cream cone lickers?
Comment by Melissa — November 13, 2005 @ 12:27 pm
About time somebody spoke out against this SCUM.
God bless your bravery Paul. You’ve got cojones, brother man.
And Melissa, my personal opinion about PICCLs (public ice cream cone licker) is that it’s OK for women. In fact, it’s encouraged…
Comment by Fabe — November 13, 2005 @ 12:36 pm
Okay, fine. So sometimes I eat apples in public, and it’s entirely to make the world think that I’m healthy. Sure I haven’t set foot in a gym in over 5 years and only use my stove for frozen pizzas, but for one brief shining moment, maybe I like to feel like I’m better than I really am. Not better than you, just better than me.
But what’s your take on this: I have a co-worker who, at least once a week, comes over to my desk to talk to me while eating a banana. Then he’ll toss the peel in my garbage as he walks away. WTF is that? WAYYY worse than apple eaters. Way worse.
(And I must admit that the image of you slapping an apple out of someone’s hand made me burst out laughing.)
Comment by jenny — November 13, 2005 @ 2:20 pm
He’s a tosser, Jenny. A total tosser.
Comment by Pauly D — November 13, 2005 @ 2:23 pm
Maybe I’m the only one, but when you start talking about public apple eaters, all I can think of is Mr. Peepers.
Comment by Rabbit — November 13, 2005 @ 3:51 pm
You mean we’re not better than everyone else???
Damn and here I thought public apple eating gave me a leg up above the crowd.
Comment by LisaBinDaCity — November 13, 2005 @ 5:47 pm
I am not and never will be a PAE. I’m so allergic to apples I haven’t eaten one since 1987 after a very scary incident.
Anyway, did you ever notice that PAEs talk with their mouths full of apple and then the juice runs out the side of their mouths and they wipe it with the back of their hand? Did you ever get sprayed with the juice when a PAE takes a huge bite? I did, right in the eye, it was swollen for hours.
Eating apples in public should be banned except in designated PAE areas. To some people, secondhand apple can be deadly.
Comment by Rachel — November 13, 2005 @ 7:33 pm
PAE designated areas should totally be set up. And like you said, Rachel, the mouth-open chewing/spraying can often get you right in the eye.
I say we set up these PAE areas with huge plexiglass barriers all around them, somewhere near bus stops or Public Storage facilities. That’s where PAE’ers belong.
Comment by Pauly D — November 13, 2005 @ 7:35 pm
Hi Paul, it’s a bit PAE of me to suggest this, but what about those PBE’s? Public Banana Eaters? What are THEY trying to say? I think Jenny touched on this, but she got hit up with an INSIDE PBE’er.
And I love the excuse-making PAE’s tend to make…the core “after-effect” excuse of tossing it in say, a hedge, and after noticing the incredulous look on your face, defend their actions with a “It’s natural! It will decompose!”.
Comment by Melina — November 13, 2005 @ 11:20 pm
I am so with you on this one. Apple eaters are in abundance over here in the Netherlands. Not only do I have the urge to smack the cursed apple out of their hands; I want to force-feed them deep-fried Snickers bars.
Comment by HighMaintenanceHussy — November 14, 2005 @ 3:30 am
Everyone with manners knows the proper way to eat an apple in public is by cutting slices from the apple with a VERY LARGE KNIFE. Not only is it more interesting and attractive to watch than plain old biting, but also, you can say “AYE!” and pretend you’re a pirate while enjoying the apple. Big fun!
Comment by Flower Girl — November 14, 2005 @ 6:45 am
I like flower girl’s idea. I eat apples in public but i cut them into slices first. Do I qualify as one of these annoying people?
Comment by That Girl — November 14, 2005 @ 6:55 am
I don’t actually like apples, but I’m mesmerized by the people who can peel them in one long strand. I may buy a bushel and sit at home and practice this so I can wow people with my apple peeling skills. That should get me somewhere in life shouldn’t it?
Comment by Alissa — November 14, 2005 @ 7:44 am
Those PAPs (public apple peelers) have a whole different thing to prove — they insist that you watch them as they peel it in one looooong strand and then what…? Then what are you supposed to say?
“Wow. That’s one long continuous peel. Great job.”
Yeah, I don’t like those PAPSnear me.
Comment by Pauly D — November 14, 2005 @ 8:47 am
Heh. You said PAPsnear.
Comment by jenny — November 14, 2005 @ 9:30 am
I’m a driving apple eater–I’ve been known to eat apples in my car. Your thoughts?
Comment by Hilary — November 14, 2005 @ 12:13 pm
As long as you stay in your car, and leave your old nasty brown apple core in your car, I have no problems with you.
Comment by Pauly D — November 14, 2005 @ 12:15 pm
that was quite possibly the most interesting bit on apples, or apple eaters, that i’ve ever read! ok…it’s the only one. but still had me laughing my ass off nonetheless!!!
Comment by Wendi — November 14, 2005 @ 12:17 pm
…what if you eat an apple in public, but it’s an apple cut into pieces?
Comment by C(h)ristine — November 14, 2005 @ 7:37 pm
As long as you don’t carry them in a dirty, wet looking ziploc baggie, then OK.
Comment by Pauly D — November 14, 2005 @ 7:41 pm
Awwww… eat your apple in public.. that’s the way it’s supposed to be. This is America after all.
Comment by monkeyinabox — November 15, 2005 @ 9:48 am
I just encountered two public apple eaters in my graduate class. But they didn’t eat their apples, just left the apples out on the table for all the world to see, taunting us with their twin greatness. What do you think of these public apple displayers?
Comment by Kiki — November 15, 2005 @ 7:22 pm
Yes, I know exactly who you mean. The cocky, well-dressed types who have that certain swagger and look down on society with a cavalier smirk. Damn them to hell indeed.
What annoys me the most though, are the PAEs who come and sit outside restaurants and cafes (maybe in an outside seating area - intented for customers) and refuse to order any food. They simply take a well polished apple from their black leather handbag/briefcase and eat that instead….and very slowly too. Would they give up their seat for a paying customer?..not likely.
Worryingly there would seem to be several types of these “people” and apart from the cafe-hangers, you’ve got the lamp-post leaners and also those women who try to seduce you (by eating an apple)..just so they can shoot you down and confirm their superiority….
well the next time one of these beguiling temptresses makes eyes at me, I’ll laugh in their face…yes, I see your juicy, appley mouth..and I don’t want it madam, I don’t want it.
Comment by Kyle — November 19, 2005 @ 10:37 am
I eat the core. No ugly residue. For that healthy tip, I thank Dr Reuben, whose food book was so much more interesting than his sex book.
Comment by Reg — October 1, 2007 @ 10:54 am
I have to work with a PAE who’s desk is right next to mine…….why she insists on only taking 1 LOUD bite of the apple every couple of minutes………BITE of apple here……..place apple on desk……..wait a couple of minutes………grab apple gently……..take another LOUD BITE of the apple…….UGH?!?!?!?……….I cannot stand it!?!?!………what do I do?!?!?
Comment by Carlos — May 5, 2008 @ 11:07 am