Words for My Enjoyment

WFME’s Menagerie of Thoughts

November 9th, 2005

I’ve always wanted to use the word menagerie in a post title.

And now that I have, I feel vindicated. I feel satisfied. I feel…complete. Did you know that you, menagerie the word, you complete me? I just wanted to let you know that if you’re out there, menagerie… Meaning, if the word menagerie is out there and is a real living, breathing word that has awareness and is reading my post as I type it…you complete me.

And that’s just one of many thoughts in today’s menagerie of thoughts.

Were you aware that crunching ice in your mouth can no longer be referred to as a result of “sexual frustration”? Are you aware that the Sexual Frustration Clinic of Southwestern Hamburg has recently released a press release that is asking the American Public to stop turning to their friends as they crunch ice and say/wink, “Sexually frustrated, huh?” In addition to the actual clinic in Hamburg asking Americans to stop using the phrase, I would like to ask everyone to stop using the phrase as well. Isn’t it time to start using another activity as the new sexually frustrated sign? I suggest any of the following new items as the signal that you are sexually frustrated: chewing on a live electrical wire, trying to eat a bowling ball but being unable to get your mouth around any part, chewing on stray butter container plastic tops, grinding your teeth on cinnamon sticks and/or running down the street in a wet towel screaming “I am sexually frustrated.”

Did you know that I don’t care that you can eat a lemon without doing that eye-squinting, sour face that most people do? Did you know that I don’t care that you can do it with limes and jalapeno peppers as well? Did you know that I don’t care that you can do it with red pepper that they put on pizza and tabasco sauce? Did you know that being so obsessed with proving to other people that you will eat anything they put in front of you has another name for it…and that it’s called being so socially needy that you will eat lemons, limes, peppers and tabasco sauce at the drop of a hat just because someone challenges you to do so? Yeah. That’s what they call it.

Did you know, that in an attempt to finally use my blog tag “affection” and “80’s” in the same post, I am now going to have to talk about the fact that I really don’t feel like there was nearly as much affection in the 80’s as there should have been. People were so all about themselves and money and music videos that they didn’t stop to take the time to talk to each other about affection. These days, sure, there’s a lot of affection going on, but back in the 80’s — I just wasn’t feeling it. And not just me (this isn’t a ME thing, although now that I’ve mentioned it hold on a sec while I check off the “ME” category for this post)…it’s also about you. I also always wanted to be able to post a post that involved Ed Begley, Jr. and the 80’s and Affection (let me check off Ed Begley, Jr. now that I’ve mentioned him) and tell you that while the rest of us weren’t being affectionate in the 80’s, Mr. Ed Begley, Jr. was being affectionate (especially on that show St. Elsewhere) and that’s probably why I’ve always been afraid of the guy. In a good way, of course.

I’d like to ask the person who came up with the phrase “dust bunnies” to change the phrase to “f*cking annoying dust instead. Cause I don’t think bunnies are annoying…they’re cute. And I don’t ever say the word “cute” so you have to know that for me to say it here I must genuinely think bunnies are cute. And for me to confirm that, I must be very confident in my manhood. But let’s face it — dust is annoying. That’s it. Annoying. Not cute. Dust can’t be cute. Trust me on that one. And if I had a category for “dust” you’d better believe I’d have checked that one off here as well.

The art of tying knots. This is a lost art that has gone to the wayside of life. When sailing was the primary way of traveling the globe (see: Christopher Columbus and Magellan, who are ironically included in The Lost Blogs) people used to tie knots all the time. People used to sit around showing each other how to tie this knot and that knot and “oh my god are you good at tying the double-over under head-bolted hot lock?” Not anymore. These days, people show other people their lower back tattoos and their scars and their tooth fillings. No more knots. I say bring ‘em back. Someone out there, show me how to tie the giraffe necked tree hugger. God, I’ve always wanted to know how to tie that one. You know, for fun.

Licorice swirling. Listen to me on this one and listen to me good. People keep complaining to me that we’ve got red licorice and we’ve got black licorice, but why don’t we have red and black swired licorice? They ask me if I’ve ever had vanilla and chocolate swirled frozen yogurt? Yes. If I’ve had peanut butter and chocolate mixed together in candy? Yes. If I’ve had mashed potatoes and gravy? Yes. Then why haven’t we mixed red and black licorice, they ask me. I’ll tell you why: Because it would taste like sticking your mouth in a can of paint thinner.

Vases. Let me talk a second about vases. There are too many vases in this world. What do you put in vases? Water and flowers? Okay. Marbles or faux-rocks? Fine. That’s about it. Most people buy vases to put up on the mantle and leave up there empty. And people keep buying more vases. It seems most people can’t get enough of the vases. If it wasn’t for this obsession, places like Pier 1 and Crate & Barrel and Williams Sonoma would go out of business. We are keeping them profitable because we keep buying useless vases. I say stop buying vases and see what happens. Sure, the entire economy could go in the you-know-what, but then at least wouldn’t you be glad to know that we weren’t living in a false-economy supported solely by vases? I think so. And I think you agree.

I wanted to take this opportunity to talk about this post so far as if I was a spammer:

This post makes me speechless! :-)! Very good job!!! You might want to check out other related subjects like this and this and this and this. Also, check out phentermine or whatever the hell that is. Did I mention this post, so far, is making me speechless!!? Great job!! Really awesome!! I didn’t know that, but it’s very interesting!! Yay! Wheeeee!

I wish, for once, someone would send me SPAM that included the word “Wheeee!” It would make me think twice about deleting it and instead forward it to my friends to show them that SPAMMERS actually get creative every once in awhile.

I would like to take this moment to let everyone know that the fad of fruit roll ups is over and done. No one is buying fruit roll ups or fruit leather anymore. Every time I go into the supermarket or the Whole Foods I see displays filled with fruit roll ups. No one is buying them. That’s why they’re putting them in nice displays by the front counter as if fruit roll ups is some kind of impulse purchase like gum or rag mags. In reality, no one ever has the impulse to buy fruit roll ups. And they definitely don’t have the impulse to buy PEACH fruit roll ups. Peach fruit roll ups taste like the mercury you find in a thermometer and the American public knows this. FYI, fruit roll up people.

That previous thought has influenced me to check off the “Food and Drink” category for this post.

Finally, I would like to wrap up this menagerie of thoughts (can you hear the echo when you say that out loud?) with my thoughts on people who burn your food on the BBQ and then tell you that eating the black crap all over your chicken breast is good for you. I have heard from people that it causes cancer, not that it makes me virile. Yet you seem to keep telling me that every time you burn my food. The funny thing is, one time you burned it, you told me that the black goodness (which I like to call “crap”) actually makes your eyesight better. At which point I said, don’t you mean carrots make your eyesight better? And then you said something like, no, this black burnt stuff makes your eyesight better. And then I asked where you heard that and you said that you didn’t remember, but on some cable educational channel like National Geographic to which I wondered aloud if there was even a channel dedicated solely to National Geographic to which you ignored and just repeated that the black goodness makes your eyesight better. You know what? Just stop burning my food and we won’t have to talk about this anymore.

Menagerie.

Go ahead. Say it with me.

—

In other news, last night I had the opportunity to see Peter Frampton play live at a local awards dinner. There’s nothing sadder than watching Frampton go crazy on stage while a room of well-dressed suit-laden executives sit and eat their sorbet dessert. But good to know that, at least Frampton is more than alive… He’s awake and alert and still damn good at that freakin’ guitar playing. I think he plays a mean pinball, too.

In additionally other news, WFME will be going abroad next week. That’s right — from Wednesday through Saturday the WFME staff will be picking up and going to New York City! We’ll be blogging live from NYC as we eat the pizza that matters, interview local cab drivers for steaming hot content and avoid all the tourist traps we can. Going to be there, too? Let us know.

Posted under 80's, Affection, Dating, Ed Begley, Jr., Food and Drink, Me, Menagerie of Thoughts, Thoughts. |