Today’s Thoughts on The Rub Stomach/Pat Head Guy

You. Must. Stop.

Every time we go out with people in public and we’re all sitting around the table eating or drinking, it invariably always ends up coming down to you. You clear your throat and you push yourself a little ways back from the table and you announce that you are about to challenge the entire table in the test to end all tests… “This will rival the questions of the Sphinx!” you announce, and most people wonder to themselves, what kind of questions do SINKS ask?

And then, without warning, you start rubbing your stomach and patting your head.

“Eh? EH!? Can YOU do that?”

WFME’s Self-Congratulatory 1,000th Post

I rock. No, really I do.

Think about how hard it is to get to the number 1000. Think about how hard it would be to eat 1000 hard boiled eggs. Think about how hard it would be to date 1000 women (Wilt Chamberlain is a robot, so you can’t count him). Think about how hard it would be to do anything a thousand times? Would it pain you to do 1000 pushups? Piss you off to have to call back customer service 1000 times? Annoy you if your next door neighbor asked you to move your garbage pails a little closer to the curb for 1000 weeks?

What about 1000 blog posts?

My House Has The Best Candy

My house has the best candy.

You may not know it since I do not have one of those huge inflatable pumpkins or witches on my front lawn, and you may not be able to tell since I do not have that crappy looking fake web stuff draped aimlessly all over my front bushes, and you may not fully know this since I have not planted styrofoam headstones near my driveway…

But my house is the place to be on Halloween.

I scoff at you, penny giver. I guffaw with lunacy at you, brownie-cooker and saran wrapper-upper. I giggle in a very passive-agressive way at you, “here’s a slip of paper that shows I’ve made a donation on your behalf for Halloween instead of candy” Greenpeace lover. I roll my eyes at you, front-lights out/hiding in the den, no candy buying Scrooge.

Today’s Post Will Have More Comments Than Ever Before

Today’s post will have more comments than ever before.

Some people think that proclaiming such a thing like I just proclaimed up there in the line before this line is an egotistical and potentially ego-crushing statement to make. Some people have said that it is just setting me up for failure and a depressing day. Some people, in an attempt to make sure that the truth does not come true, will do their best to discourage such an outcome.

But dare I say it? Today’s post will have more comments than ever before.

The Items of 10 Items or Less

It’s time my ten items got a shout out.

With the public pressure we all get at that moment we step into the “10 Items or Less” line, it’s a wonder that any of us ever stand in such a line. If you have eleven items, you’ll get the evil eye. If you have ten items but some are more than one item packaged together, people talk in hushed tones. Legitimately standing in and passing through the 10 Items or Less line is something that requires skill, moxie, and the perfect list of 10 Items or less.

Like the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame, I give you…my ten items in my ten items or less basket in the ten items or less line, totally and legitimately ten items or less.