Death Bed Lines I Hope To Have
October 29th, 2005
Who knows where I’ll be when I take that last final breath.
But when I do, whenever it may be and no matter my current state of mind, I would like to officially announce to the higher power at this moment, that this is my list of sayings I would like him to consider allowing me to have as my last words. I know that by requesting such a thing I may still not be granted it, but like they always say about requesting your last words — if you don’t ask, no one knows you’re asking, and then since you didn’t ask…well, no one knows that the askage was going on.
So without further adieu…my final words, from my death bed, if someone sees fit to grant me this wish:
“Things are getting fuzzy. Blurry. I… Wait a second… I see a…bright light! Yes! I see it. It’s getting closer and closer! Oh my… Here I go… No, wait a second. No, that’s not a light. I thought it was a bright light but maybe that was just the reflection from the TV. No, yeah - no bright lig-”
“Milk duds. I want milk du-”
“If Andrew gets up, we’ll all get up…it’ll be anarchy! That’s from ‘The Breakfast Club’, by the way.”
“You can’t handle the truth…”
“I’m feeling a tingling in my extremities. It’s a good kind of tingling. Not the bad kind of tingling like when you get a TB shot at the doctor’s office for a physical — but a good kind like right after you inhale one of those nitros oxide whippit canisters from a balloon.”
“I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone’s shadows… If I fail, if I succeed, at least I live as I believe. No matter what they take from me, they can’t take away my dignity. Because the greatest love of all, is happening to me… Along with this dying thing, which is also happening to me right this very min-”
“Sometimes you just gotta say, what the f*ck.”
“When I was five years old I wet the bed on purpose. Just so you know.”
“I pressed the nurse call button twelve times over the last hour. No one came. I wanted Jello.”
“I thought I would out live Huey Lewis. I guess not.”
“Listen to me and listen to me good: There comes a time when you’ve got to stand strong. When you’ve got to exhibit courage. When you’ve got to stare death right in the face and say, ‘Come on death, I’m staring your right in the face!’ There comes a time when a frail man such as me must throw caution to the wind and stand brave in front of the most horrific of circumstances… Um, I think I’m going to need that adult diaper wipe, again.”
“Sure, it said don’t drink the shampoo — but I had to at least try.”
“It’s just so weird… So hard to believe this is happening… I mean, back when I was young those Cabbage Patch Dolls were causing riots in toy stores and going for $50 bucks a pop and now… Now… they’re for sale in drug stores for twelve bucks. It’s just… Well, it boggles my mind.”
“I’m dying! I just wanted to be able to say that.”
what? nothing about your true love (you know…the blog?)
Comment by kristine — October 29, 2005 @ 12:44 pm
It’s good to be prepared! My biggest fear is that my final words will be a quote from that cartoon Ed, Edd n Eddy…”I am a lizard! Oink! Oink!”
Comment by groovebunny — October 30, 2005 @ 9:15 am
“Hey! Get that light outta my eyes! I’m trying to die over here!
Oh, it’s You. Nevermind.”
Comment by nic — October 30, 2005 @ 9:34 am
You actually have a category for “death”?!?!?!?
Comment by Amy — October 30, 2005 @ 7:19 pm
Yeah, Amy. Doesn’t everyone?
Comment by Pauly D — October 30, 2005 @ 8:26 pm
“… I knew blogging would be the end of me. No, wait, it was probably all of these bulletholes in my chest.”
Comment by mikelietz — October 31, 2005 @ 7:55 am
okay, i was already smiling through the post but the cabbage patch kid thing put me over the edge.
Comment by Sarcomical — November 2, 2005 @ 10:37 pm
Pauly, sometimes you rock so hard it hurts!
Oh - hey, those might be good last words too. Especially from a hooker! (But only if she was talking to you. Or someone else named Pauly. Cuz if a dying hooker called me Pauly, it would just confuse me and I would think, “she probably could have picked better last words, like ‘I thought I would outlive Huey Lewis. I guess not’.”)
Comment by T. Malone — November 3, 2005 @ 1:03 am