Today’s Thoughts on The Rub Stomach/Pat Head Guy
October 27th, 2005
You. Must. Stop.
Every time we go out with people in public and we’re all sitting around the table eating or drinking, it invariably always ends up coming down to you. You clear your throat and you push yourself a little ways back from the table and you announce that you are about to challenge the entire table in the test to end all tests… “This will rival the questions of the Sphinx!” you announce, and most people wonder to themselves, what kind of questions do SINKS ask?
And then, without warning, you start rubbing your stomach and patting your head.
“Eh? EH!? Can YOU do that?”
Then for about the next five minutes while conversations continue and pass you by you continue to sit there rubbing your stomach and patting your head… Or patting your stomach and rubbing your head (you don’t mind messing up your hair, but the rest of us do).. And as you exhibit your extreme talents, you make sure the rest of us see that you are exhibiting your extreme talents and as dessert comes you are still rubbing your stomach and patting your head.
It has got to stop.
Sure, you then go on to site cite examples of how eye/hand coordination is beneficial in a variety of worldly practices. From fishing and operating heavy machinery to skeet ball and basketball… You announce that it has been proven in double-blind experiments that those who can consistently do the stomach rub/head pat (or head rub/stomach pat) have more synapses firing in their brain per second than any other creature on the face of the Earth. “Find a monkey that can rub its stomach and pat its head,” you say… “And that’s a monkey I’ll want to meet.”
Meanwhile, you’re still rubbing your stomach and patting your head.
Sometimes, when people get really bored you’ll do that thing where you cover your nose with both hands (cupping your nose) and make like you’re cracking your nose. Other times, you’ll touch your tongue to your nose. And other times, when you’re really feeling like the whole “act” is coming up short, you’ll make that farting sound with your under arm or balance a moist spoon from your nose. And don’t get me started on your inside-out eyelid thing or your tucking your ear lobes into your ear canal thing…
I think the bottom line is that you, rub stomach/pat head guy, need a lot of attention.
But I’m here to say that as the rub stomach, nose-breaking, tongue-touching, arm-farting, spoon-balancing, inside out eye-lidding, ear canal stuffing guy that you are — you are no more entertaining than the mini-version of the Mona Lisa made out of sourdough bread crumbs that we’re currently staring at on the table. At least that seems magical.
Your talents, on the other hand, just seem needy.
—
In other news, tomorrow is yet another edition of “Words For Your Enjoyment”! That’s where you submit an idea, we steal it, we use it, we include it in an upcoming book without giving you credit and you feel raped…but in a good way. Don’t miss out!
Sorry, Pauly.
From now on I’ll sit quietly.
Comment by Mark K — October 27, 2005 @ 9:24 am
Doesn’t it make you wonder about the first person to discover these party tricks?
Like, did someone think up one of these talents, survey friends and family to see if anyone else could do it? Or did someone perform one of these feats naturally, get discovered, and start showing off?
Was it cave people who started it? Carney workers in the 18th century? The albino guy from my 7th grade Algebra class?
Now I won’t be able to sleep tonight…
Comment by Flower Girl — October 27, 2005 @ 9:29 am
I can scratch my throat, although it makes a strange sound.
Comment by Pauly D — October 27, 2005 @ 9:32 am
I’m beginning to worry about the sort of people you go to dinner with, Pauly, because it seems as if this isn’t the first time this has happened.
Maybe you should rethink your circle of friends. I’m just sayin’.
Comment by Amber — October 27, 2005 @ 9:47 am
I once told people I was eating with that I had read that the length of your hand to your elbow is equal to the length of your ankle to your knee, thus causing everyone at the dinner table to move into awkward positions so that they could measure their arms next to their legs.
So I guess I’m guilty.
Comment by Hilary — October 27, 2005 @ 9:55 am
And I thought after 1000, you would be like God — and take a day of rest. But, no…
Comment by Neil — October 27, 2005 @ 9:59 am
There is no rest, Neil. There’s never rest. I will not rest. Thou shall not rest. Resting, shall not occur herein.
I’m so tired.
Comment by Pauly D — October 27, 2005 @ 10:03 am
The Word Police are Citing you with a violation for using the word Site when you should have used Cite:
Sure, you then go on to site examples…
The Word Police also wished to tell you this is not personal, and they are big fans.
Comment by kingbenny — October 27, 2005 @ 10:26 am
Oh yes that does need to stop! Unless, perhaps, he wants to sing and dance at the same time… that might be entertaining for a bit.
Comment by Kestrel — October 27, 2005 @ 1:12 pm
I agree that all has to stop too! But you have to give your friend credit for settling on the armpit fart rather than going for the real thing. lol
Comment by groovebunny — October 27, 2005 @ 1:39 pm
um, kingbenny, as PD’s attorney, i hereby insist that you cease and desist your activity as “grammar policeman.” that will be reserved to the English Teachers of PD’s audience.
Comment by kristine — October 27, 2005 @ 4:00 pm
Hilary, your thing’s a lot easier to check if you’re lying on the couch. And, um, alone.
Pauly, one idea to get rid of the pat-head/rub-stomach guy: ask if he can walk and chew gum at the same time. If he says yes, offer him a piece of gum, and watch him walk away.
Comment by annabel lee — October 27, 2005 @ 9:06 pm