My House Has The Best Candy
October 25th, 2005
My house has the best candy.
You may not know it since I do not have one of those huge inflatable pumpkins or witches on my front lawn, and you may not be able to tell since I do not have that crappy looking fake web stuff draped aimlessly all over my front bushes, and you may not fully know this since I have not planted styrofoam headstones near my driveway…
But my house is the place to be on Halloween.
I scoff at you, penny giver. I guffaw with lunacy at you, brownie-cooker and saran wrapper-upper. I giggle in a very passive-agressive way at you, “here’s a slip of paper that shows I’ve made a donation on your behalf for Halloween instead of candy” Greenpeace lover. I roll my eyes at you, front-lights out/hiding in the den, no candy buying Scrooge.
I’m the guy with the king size Butterfingers.
Some people call me crazy. Some people see the supermarket bill that tallies in at around $100. Some people wonder, in an almost unbelieving way, if I will ever have enough children ring my doorbell to get rid of the piles of candy currently sitting on my kitchen counter. Some people talk about me behind my back and about how I’ve created an ever stacking pyramid of candy bars that stems from my overly-fed OCD about candy bar stacking and my desire for every child who walks past my window to see the monolithic sugary staff and say to themselves (having seen Close Encounters of the Third Kind), “This Means Something.”
If you come to my door, you will be rewarded more than Charlie (from that Chocolate Factory movie)… More than lottery winners who must defer their payments over 25 years… And way more than any other child in your neighborhood who neglected to come to my door. My house has the best candy, and you best tell your friends that you’ve experienced Heaven and it’s at a little place down the block where candy takes precedent over decorations, good deeds and plastic ghost finger puppets.
In previous years I have tried buying the huge bags with a variety of candy. I have picked up bags of peanut butter cups and coconut candy bars and chewy this and chewy that. But what I found was that I was still forced to hand over two or three mini versions of candy in an attempt to make my house the best candy house on the block. King size Butterfingers and king size Twix and king size Kit Kats are the way to go. Only then do you get the wide-eyed stare from innocent children as you hand them the H2 of candy. Only then do they make an “O” with their mouth as they proclaim, “This house has the best candy…thanks!”
Then they run off and you can hear them continuing to say things like “wow” and “so cool” and “king size!” over and over and over again.
Screw job promotions. Letters of recommendation…I spit in your face. Don’t bother me with four starred reviews from my superior or a trophy from a leadership retreat. Take your free meal coupons for the Sizzler and your birthday dessert freebies and give me the one thing that matters most to me in this day, age and time…
Dub my house the house with the best candy…
And all will be good.
I’ll be needing directions to your door, you King Sized Giver, you.
Comment by Meg — October 25, 2005 @ 8:32 am
Sent via e-mail.
Comment by Pauly D — October 25, 2005 @ 8:34 am
Now Pauly, you haven’t addressed the possible problem of kids knowing you are the best house to get candy from, thus visiting your house more than once. How do you deal with this?
Comment by Hilary — October 25, 2005 @ 8:36 am
is giving out king-sized candy bars sort of an overcompensation thing for lacking, size-wise, somewhere else?
just wondering what your mindset here is. because it CAN’T be about making kids happy. no freakin’ way.
Comment by heather — October 25, 2005 @ 9:00 am
4 out 5 dentists say Pauly D is the leading cause of tooth decay
Comment by meme — October 25, 2005 @ 9:00 am
Hilary - to answer your question, I tag each child that comes through my doors with a sort of locating device that relies on GPS tracking. If they come back a second time the little device I wear around my neck goes off and they’re busted! No seconds for anyone!
As for Heather’s question - I must simply point to the record and leave it up to each person’s own determination.
Comment by Pauly D — October 25, 2005 @ 9:04 am
There was a house like yours (Paul), back in the day. Us kids would say exactly that -”wow, no way, king size, this house has the best candy.”
What if New Years started on Halloween night instead of december 31st?
Comment by Daniel Nicolas — October 25, 2005 @ 9:08 am
Pauly, where were you when I was growing up? We lived across the street from our dentist, who gave us toothbrushes every year.
Comment by annabel lee — October 25, 2005 @ 9:10 am
i felt good about myself yesterday, as i filled my shopping buggy with bags of name-brand chocolates, but, pauly d, you leave me cowed and inspired. “fun size”: what an egregious misnomer! there’s nothing fun about less candy. although i know my husband will plotz when i come home with sacks and sacks of king-sized treats next year, i truly feel that the dumbfounded faces of little ghosts, goblins, and Bratz manque will totally be worth it.
Comment by jessica j — October 25, 2005 @ 9:14 am
I went to Pauly D’s house last year and all I got was a bag of rocks! Good Grief!
Comment by monkeyinabox — October 25, 2005 @ 9:40 am
Pauly - baby:
This is NOT an attack on your character, but I suspect that your committment to having the best candy in tha ‘hood has more to do with the left overs than anything else…
Comment by Flower Girl — October 25, 2005 @ 10:37 am
The H2 of candy…nice
Comment by Kathleen — October 25, 2005 @ 11:12 am
I’m sorry, but all this talk of “king-size” makes me all shades of inappropriate. I think “King size. Heh. I’ll totally come to your house — and there’s candy? Bonus!” or “Come for the king-sized chocolate, stay for the king-sized…uh, other stuff?” Sorry. I can’t help myself sometimes.
Comment by Amber — October 25, 2005 @ 12:30 pm
I’ll be over on Halloween, Pauly. And I’m bringing my kid.
Comment by Amy — October 25, 2005 @ 2:40 pm
I tend to like anything King-Sized. I was thinking about it the other day, how nice it would be to get my hands on a big ‘ole…oh wait…candy…yes…focus Scott, FO-CUS…
Any man who stands on his porch and waves a king-sized….FO-CUS….um, hands out king-sized candy bars is ok in my book. I cheer your King-Sized Butterfinger (my fav candy bar btw). Yesterday I read about someone making Jello-shots for Halloween. Gently inebriating the masses on Oct 31 might bring joy to some, but I scoff at the break from tradition. Give me candy, King-Sized Candy. Yep.
Comment by purpletwinkie — October 25, 2005 @ 2:46 pm
Do you also give for Unicef?
Comment by Neil — October 25, 2005 @ 3:17 pm
“… I giggle in a very passive-agressive way at you, “here’s a slip of paper that shows I’ve made a donation on your behalf for Halloween instead of candy” Greenpeace lover.”
No. No Unicef.
Comment by Pauly D — October 25, 2005 @ 3:18 pm
I am forced from my vacation to Florida Halloween to stay home in cold Massachusetts Halloween. My costume is a lovely, yet springy-light 50s housewife. Any ideas on how to spend it, or possibly how to re-dress? I thought I’d ask, once I saw this post.
Comment by Her.Oine — October 25, 2005 @ 7:20 pm
Great idea! When I think about how long Kroger has had king-sized bars on sale, 10 for $10. I could have been hoarding and been the house in my neighborhood with the best candy!
On another note, what the f– is up with gravatar!?!
Comment by Junior — October 25, 2005 @ 9:38 pm
KING size?
Damn.
We would carry an extra Herve Villechaize costume in our goody bag. Just so we could ToT you twice.
That’s how we roll.
Comment by AJ — October 25, 2005 @ 11:01 pm
King size butterfingers?! Whoa. Where you at? I may be 24-years-old but I’ll dress up like a munchkin and borrow someones kid for goodies like that.
Comment by Kestrel — October 26, 2005 @ 6:56 am
You are a wonderful man Pauly. I was just in the store and saw a lady buying pretzels in halloween packages. I tell you if I ever got pretzels when I was trick or treating, I was coming back to that house with a carton of eggs.
Comment by Dave — October 26, 2005 @ 7:13 am
I admire your King Sized giving, but presumably you’re just being extra cautious in bribing the little tricksters with treats. The tricky part is you gotta top yourself year upon year. So next year, the kids will expect a crate of raw swiss chocolate, or more.
Comment by kingbenny — October 26, 2005 @ 7:34 am
Pretzels? COUGH.
Not even yogurt covered pretzels could keep kids from lighting your house on fire after giving them crap like that.
Comment by Pauly D — October 26, 2005 @ 10:25 am
will you have UNO’s? I love UNO’s…
Comment by jenny — October 26, 2005 @ 12:33 pm
If you had king size Skor bars, I’d sooo be there!
Comment by Nanette — October 26, 2005 @ 10:01 pm
King-size, schming-size. I want hard candy.
Comment by nic — October 27, 2005 @ 6:29 am
… I put in my vote for hard AND king size…
Comment by Adri — October 28, 2005 @ 11:01 am