How appropriate that on Friday, a day where office workers around the world desperately attempt to escape the confines of the office — WFME longtime pal Hilary obsesses over this gem of an obsession (which is really, now c’mon, not an obsession at all):
“I have an idea for Words For Your Enjoyment — Paper towels and the idiot co-workers who can’t tear a sheet correctly, thus leaving you with a partial piece of paper towel; and leave the empty roll on the holder instead of replacing it with a new roll…”
Ahem. Somebody seems to be a little too concerned, to the point of lunacy, about this whole paper towel tearing scenario.
But alas — who am I to criticize someone’s quirky issue with the way in which her co-workers tear paper towels off the roll? Who am I, man of a thousand OCD’s, to laugh at Hilary’s workplace concern that others leave the empty roll instead of replacing it with a new one? Who am I, I say. WHO AM I.
But HIlary’s question brings up an important subject — anal work obsessions. For a place where people spend the majority of their week hours, it’s only a matter of time before WHAT your co-workers do or don’t do, affects you to the point of you wanting to crack open their head and scream down their throat?
Or, you know — slap them.
Here are, according to the most recent report from some corporate obsessive compulsive anal newsletter, a list of some of the most strange, quirky and weird things that your co-workers are currently doing that is about to drive you to kill yourself:
People who hum, just loud enough to be heard but not loud enough to get in trouble.
People who insist they are best friend with Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown, but every story they tell you about them strangely resembles last night’s episode from “Being Bobby Brown” on television.
People who go to the fax machine to see if any of their documents are there, yet leave the junk faxes and real estate advertisements for someone else to throw out.
People who, for no apparent reason, continue to do that “I am going down the escalator here behind your cubicle wall joke” please “watch me as I make it look like I’m descending on an escalator” like it’s the first time you’ve seen it.
People who snap gum, over and over and over again.
People who, while standing at your desk talking to you, continue picking paperclips out of your magnetic paperclip holder, bending them inbetween their fingers, then secretly drop the destroyed metal rods on the floor by your desk or cubicle where you will later (while running barefoot through the office) impale your toes upon.
People who insist that they are your best friend, in front of your bosses.
People who are so bored, they’ve now composed at least twenty-two songs by simply using the tones on the telephone keypad (including the theme song to The Greatest American Hero, which strangely just sounds like Mary Had A Little Lamb).
People who get new shoes, then talk about them with each new person they come in contact with.
People who like to make up nicknames for you and your co-workers…names that make no sense in the current work environment like “the rejuvinator”, “the vacationator”, “ball-busting Bobby” (when no one named Bobby even works with you), “the growler”, “instantaneous-man”, “Gorba-chew” and “Pal-o-mine Lotion.”
People who call you on the phone, even though they sit right next to you.
People who drink coffee, eat coffee candy, coffee ice cream and then tell you that you shouldn’t be drinking coffee because caffiene can make you jumpy.
People who use paper towels to open the bathroom door AND shake your hand.
People who insist they’ve learned the secret “easter egg codes” for the elevator that allows them to force the elevator to skip all other stops and serve as an “express elevator” for them whenever they see fit to do so — and insist you accompany them each time they do it and then when it does work right, insist that you try it again.
People who answer “not much” to the question, “how are you doing?”
People who pretend they have a pregnant spouse so they can get out of certain job responsibilites.
Pairs of buddy-workers who create their own stupid games to pass the time (paper football, don’t step on the line, blind charades, elevator joust, paper cup circus, twelve men in a stall, the 100 inch garbage hurdle, etc) then treat them as if they’re more important than the Olympics.
Oh, boy. There’s way more.
And I think each and every one of you have an example up your sleeves.
In other news, I am currently obsessed with fruit roll ups. Were you aware that if you take twenty fruit roll ups, place them on top of each other, one after another — that you can then place the huge flat fruit-roll up platter (which you’ve now created) on top of your face, then sit out in the sun and allow the fruit-goodness to seep into your pores and then into your system…? Thus giving you the necessary nutrients to survive out in an unforgiving climate?
It says it on the box — I’m just repeating what I read.