Words For Your Enjoyment: Anal Work Obessions

How appropriate that on Friday, a day where office workers around the world desperately attempt to escape the confines of the office — WFME longtime pal Hilary obsesses over this gem of an obsession (which is really, now c’mon, not an obsession at all):

“I have an idea for Words For Your Enjoyment — Paper towels and the idiot co-workers who can’t tear a sheet correctly, thus leaving you with a partial piece of paper towel; and leave the empty roll on the holder instead of replacing it with a new roll…”

Ahem. Somebody seems to be a little too concerned, to the point of lunacy, about this whole paper towel tearing scenario.

But alas — who am I to criticize someone’s quirky issue with the way in which her co-workers tear paper towels off the roll? Who am I, man of a thousand OCD’s, to laugh at Hilary’s workplace concern that others leave the empty roll instead of replacing it with a new one? Who am I, I say. WHO AM I.

But HIlary’s question brings up an important subject — anal work obsessions. For a place where people spend the majority of their week hours, it’s only a matter of time before WHAT your co-workers do or don’t do, affects you to the point of you wanting to crack open their head and scream down their throat?

Or, you know — slap them.

Here are, according to the most recent report from some corporate obsessive compulsive anal newsletter, a list of some of the most strange, quirky and weird things that your co-workers are currently doing that is about to drive you to kill yourself:

People who hum, just loud enough to be heard but not loud enough to get in trouble.

People who insist they are best friend with Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown, but every story they tell you about them strangely resembles last night’s episode from “Being Bobby Brown” on television.

People who go to the fax machine to see if any of their documents are there, yet leave the junk faxes and real estate advertisements for someone else to throw out.

People who, for no apparent reason, continue to do that “I am going down the escalator here behind your cubicle wall joke” please “watch me as I make it look like I’m descending on an escalator” like it’s the first time you’ve seen it.

People who snap gum, over and over and over again.

People who, while standing at your desk talking to you, continue picking paperclips out of your magnetic paperclip holder, bending them inbetween their fingers, then secretly drop the destroyed metal rods on the floor by your desk or cubicle where you will later (while running barefoot through the office) impale your toes upon.

People who insist that they are your best friend, in front of your bosses.

People who are so bored, they’ve now composed at least twenty-two songs by simply using the tones on the telephone keypad (including the theme song to The Greatest American Hero, which strangely just sounds like Mary Had A Little Lamb).

People who get new shoes, then talk about them with each new person they come in contact with.

People who like to make up nicknames for you and your co-workers…names that make no sense in the current work environment like “the rejuvinator”, “the vacationator”, “ball-busting Bobby” (when no one named Bobby even works with you), “the growler”, “instantaneous-man”, “Gorba-chew” and “Pal-o-mine Lotion.”

People who call you on the phone, even though they sit right next to you.

People who drink coffee, eat coffee candy, coffee ice cream and then tell you that you shouldn’t be drinking coffee because caffiene can make you jumpy.

People who use paper towels to open the bathroom door AND shake your hand.

People who insist they’ve learned the secret “easter egg codes” for the elevator that allows them to force the elevator to skip all other stops and serve as an “express elevator” for them whenever they see fit to do so — and insist you accompany them each time they do it and then when it does work right, insist that you try it again.

People who answer “not much” to the question, “how are you doing?”

People who pretend they have a pregnant spouse so they can get out of certain job responsibilites.

Pairs of buddy-workers who create their own stupid games to pass the time (paper football, don’t step on the line, blind charades, elevator joust, paper cup circus, twelve men in a stall, the 100 inch garbage hurdle, etc) then treat them as if they’re more important than the Olympics.

Oh, boy. There’s way more.

And I think each and every one of you have an example up your sleeves.

In other news, I am currently obsessed with fruit roll ups. Were you aware that if you take twenty fruit roll ups, place them on top of each other, one after another — that you can then place the huge flat fruit-roll up platter (which you’ve now created) on top of your face, then sit out in the sun and allow the fruit-goodness to seep into your pores and then into your system…? Thus giving you the necessary nutrients to survive out in an unforgiving climate?

It says it on the box — I’m just repeating what I read.

21 comments on “Words For Your Enjoyment: Anal Work Obessions

  1. Flower Girl - October 14, 2005 at 8:23 am -

    How about that person who has some kind of a coughing issue and coughs intermittently every day for six months. (NOTE: go to the doctor!!! Get some drugs!!! Quit coughing!)

    Or, we have kitchenettes here, two on each floor. People who leave their funky, crusty bowls soaking on the counter for DAYS. UGH!!!

    Or, that mysterious person who shuts off the lights in the (multi-stalled) bathroom. I know you’re trying to conserve energy, mystery-light-shutter-offer, but I CAN’T walk into a dark bathroom. It is too scary. I can’t find the light and the boogeyman might be in there…Its either hold it, go in the men’s room or go to a different floor.

    p.s. mmmmmm…fruit roll ups….

  2. Neil - October 14, 2005 at 8:32 am -

    Although I’m not working in an office right now, I did for many years, and frankly, I found it tedious. Every day it was the same ol’ thing. My only pleasure was to go into the bathroom and wash my hands and then play the ‘russian roulette’ game with the paper towels. Would there be a full piece, a half piece, or no paper at all? The excitement of it all gave me the thrill to go back to my boring job. So, I completely disagree with Hilary on this point. The lack of knowing what type of paper towel was coming out of the dispenser was the only reason I went to work.

  3. Flower Girl - October 14, 2005 at 8:46 am -

    OH…I forgot one, and was just reminded when I walked into the hall:

    People who take the newspaper into the bathroom with them. OH MY GOSH!! Instead, why not just hold up a sign that reads, “Look at me, I’m gonna be in here a while. P.S. Hold your nose…”

  4. Pauly D - October 14, 2005 at 8:48 am -

    Hey, now.

    There’s, uh, nothing, uh, wrong with, you know, reading something in the, um, bathroom.

  5. That Girl - October 14, 2005 at 9:15 am -

    People who whistle. People who make disgusting mouth-sounds while eating at their desk next to you (the slurp, the exces saliva chew, chewing with mouth open). People with really bad breath. People who dont believe in deoderant. People who tell tasteless/racist/stupid jokes and get offended when you dont laugh. People who have the same answer for every question/statement every time you ask (see you tomorrow! Not if I see you first! (get new material)) and laugh hysterically at their own wit. People who insist on talking to you even though you’ve made it clear you’re not a morning person. People who insist on witnessing their faith to you at every opportunity. Drama queens. Gosh, I really need a vacation.

  6. Hilary - October 14, 2005 at 9:15 am -

    Reading in the bathroom workplace is just wrong. Period. End of topic. And I am thrilled to be sitting here in my parents’ living room today, rather than feeding my apparently silly OCD paper towel issue. Ahem.

  7. Trini - October 14, 2005 at 9:25 am -

    How about when the IT guy finally shows up at your completely inoperable, virus-ridden computer after calling him three times, only to sullenly motion for you to get out of your chair and restart the god-forsaken thing? And that miraculously fixes the problem.

    I hate those smug IT guys.

    And not to sound like a cyper-stalker, but I think I am in love with you, Paul. Any guy who references “Three O’Clock High” is all right in my book. Let’s meet in the supply store and make-out on school t-shirts.

  8. monkeyinabox - October 14, 2005 at 9:28 am -

    I love it when I visit the restroom and find the newspaper laying on the floor in front of the toilet, opened. I don’t even have to touch it. Just sit and read. Talk about convenience.

  9. Pauly D - October 14, 2005 at 10:19 am -

    I’ll light the candles and make sure I’ve got a roll of cash in my pocket, Trini.

  10. Hope - October 14, 2005 at 11:33 am -

    I hate the people that call you when they’re sitting right next to you. There are 8 people in my office. Total! Get off your ass and come talk to me!

    I wrote a post a while ago about the office know-it-all. He’s the guy who knows nothing but insists on standing over your shoulder indefinitely and pointing out your mistakes. He’s also a heavy breather. The worst.

  11. Trini - October 14, 2005 at 11:43 am -

    Will you also turn on the English teacher in front of the whole class with only a desire for detention, a cigarette and low-blood sugar?

  12. heather - October 14, 2005 at 1:03 pm -

    there sure isn’t anything wrong with reading anything on the toilet, diddy…

    i read ‘consumer joe’. i know, i know. i’m an awesome friend.

  13. Amber - October 14, 2005 at 1:23 pm -

    My biggest workplace pet peeve is when my boss is like “Amber, can you (insert work-related task here)?” I wish she’d get it through her head that I am BUSY. I have blogs to read, posts to write and cds to burn. I’m SWAMPED. I just don’t have time for her work-related nonsense, especially if I’m going to leave early. Jeez.

  14. ms. sizzle - October 14, 2005 at 2:27 pm -

    the worst for me is the people who don’t replace the toilet paper and leave the stall empty of anything to wipe with. so rude!

    but lately, more than anything, it’s the enya my cubicle co-worker insists on listening to day after day. didn’t the whole enya phase die out in 1993?

  15. jenny - October 14, 2005 at 3:37 pm -

    People who snap gum, over and over and over again.

    I hate this. It irritates the fuck out of me.

    Current work annoyance: People who have the expectation that they will be paid on time, when they didn’t follow instructions on how to get paid on time. Read the FUCKING manual.

    Thanx.

  16. annabel lee - October 14, 2005 at 4:40 pm -

    My work pet peeve: people who don’t read. No, I’m not prejudiced against the illiterate. My beef is with people who *can* read, but choose not to. *So* many times, my (former) boss and/or (former) coworker would come to my office with a printed-out e-mail and a question…which the e-mail itself already answered. There’s a reason they’re my *former* boss and coworker…

  17. Kris - October 14, 2005 at 6:18 pm -

    My workplace peeve…those co-workers that actually do no work (they pretend to while playing solitaire) and get paid for it. Bloody hell!

    K.

  18. anon - October 14, 2005 at 7:57 pm -

    I may have the best one here – real co-worker from hell: He’s a guy who comes up to my arm pits, shaves his head, works out so much that his muscles make him look like he going side-ways (he ain’t goin’ up), bathes in some gawd-awful cologne, and has a photo of Evita Peron in his wallet which he kisses every time he looks at it.
    We can’t say anything to him about the reek-ness, b/c he can file a discrimination complaint. And the only way to fired here is to commit crimes against humanity.
    But, Pauly, why are you running barefoot through the office?

  19. Keith - October 14, 2005 at 9:54 pm -

    What about people who do the intra-office IM thing? Does that also grind your gears?

  20. Pauly D - October 15, 2005 at 8:36 am -

    I, personally, don’t run barefoot through ANY office — and it’s because of the sharpened, twisted, discarded paperclips.

  21. The Moviequill - October 17, 2005 at 6:16 am -

    ‘Anal Work Obsessions’…I like a nice bum over my morning coffee just like the next guy

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