My Hair Stylist and I Have Nothing In Common
October 11th, 2005
Barber. Haircutter. Stylist.
Whatever you call them and whatever they charge you and no matter if they store their black combs in flourescent blue liquid or clear water, they all have one thing in common.
Talking to them, is often, worse than a first date.
That is why it saddened me this week when I realized that, once again, as I have changed personnel on my Official Hair Cutting Tour 2005 — I have absolutely nothing in common with my hair stylist.
In a perfect world my hair stylist would look like me, know tons about computers and technology, would love alternative music, mustard AND mayo on sandwiches, have an English accent, be able to talk about television and movies endlessly, have no interest in professional sports or talking about professional sports whatsoever, love candy, ice cream, those gross orange peanut candy things, be female, have a twin sister, love to spend extra time shampooing my hair like in Out of Africa, find me dangerously funny, share my loves of certain hair products (including Bed Head), love to talk about politics in an extremely general sense so that I could follow coherently, enjoy video games, own the PSP and have it right there in her drawer, have a huge collection of special edition DVDs, enjoy rollerblading, long walks along the beach at night, love the movie Three O’ Clock High and The Natural but from an entertainment (not sports) standpoint…
Well, I could go on and on.
Some people have said to me, “Pauly, you have really high standards when it comes to finding a hair stylist you like.” Others have said, “Mustard AND mayo? Are you crazy?” And even others still have commented, “I once drank that blue flourescent liquid out of that comb container and it has a hint of mint flavor to it…”
The thing is, I believe that if you’re planning on spending a certain unmentionable amount of money and spend a certain pre-determined amount of time with someone, you’d better be happy with the person you’re spending that money and time with. You should be able to pick and choose not based on skill sets and level of hair-dryer/hair products they currently have on their table — but you should be able to screen a hair stylist based on their interests, hobbies and a variety of talking points.
Because there’s nothing worse than getting your hair cut and being a captive audience and having absolutely nothing to talk about, react to, chuckle over or listen to.
Do I want to talk about motorcycles? No. Do I want to hear about some boyfriend you met on a trip to the Bahamas that lives in England and who has almost convinced you to move to England in order to continue the relationship? Do you really want me to think that minutes into our relationship here you’re already thinking about leaving to be with another guy? Do I really want to hear about your manicure, your thoughts on scissors or your love of marzipan?
I just wish we had more to talk about. I just wish I could bend your ear about subjects that would keep me from concentrating on the snips of hair currently dropping in my eyes, around my nose and in my ears. I just wish we could laugh and talk as if it was one of those 4 AM college talks where no one else mattered in the world but you and I.
But no.
We don’t have anything in common. And it’s something I must live with. Because even worse than having a hair stylist that you have nothing in common with is not having a stylist at all.
Because way more disturbing than a hair stylist who you have nothing in common with is a group of non-hair sylist friends who excitedly offer to cut your hair.
Yeah - I ain’t having nothing of it.
Would you hire an employee just on word of mouth? Would you have a plumber fix your sink just because he happened to have a store down the block. Of course not. Hair styling today is a multi-billion dollar industry. Hair stylists go for years to school to learn their trade. They expect to be treated like professionals. That’s why days before I go to any salon, even a Supercuts, I deliver a a multi-page questionnaire asking all sort of relevant questions to make sure I will find the experience of sitting in front of them and talking with them as enjoyable as possible. I can email you my Microsoft Word Hair Stylist Questionnaire template — for a small price.
Comment by Neil — October 11, 2005 @ 7:48 am
I would love the Questionnaire, Neil.
I was starting to put together a whole Excel spreadsheet, multiple-choice, reading comprehension kind of thing (you know, “If Paul said he loved this what would you say?) but I gave up after it overwhelmed me.
So, yeah. How much?
Comment by Pauly D — October 11, 2005 @ 7:49 am
My old hairdresser loved to talk about her boyfriend and, of all things, hair, but she had a wonderful habit of gently bouncing the back of my head off her wonderful bosoms. I learned just to smile and nod encouragingly.
God, she was great. … thanks for rekindling that old obsession Pauly.
Comment by Pierce — October 11, 2005 @ 8:04 am
Relatable post, Pauly. I’ve gone through myriad stylists, not only because s/he didn’t meet up to my standards for doing my hair “just right,” but also because the awkward silences became just a little too much to bear during that 2-hour period of time it takes to cut and color my hair…
Comment by Em — October 11, 2005 @ 8:22 am
This could be a great business opportunity. A website could be created that could match stylists and clients.
eHairMoney.com maybe?
Comment by AJ — October 11, 2005 @ 8:28 am
I can barely understand my haircutter-person-lady which is fine with me. What would I have in common with a mid 50’s Chinese lady from Rowland Heights anyhow as I’m not that old nor of Asian heritage?
Been with her for 8 years now so the unspoken trust between us speaks volumes to her skill in styling and my lack of really caring what I look like in public. I also have a fear of causing a misaligned snip with the movement of my jaw while talking - for me another reason not to push the yapping thing.
She did say I had I nicely shaped head though. That was nice.
Comment by robert dean — October 11, 2005 @ 8:35 am
I guess I’m just lucky.
I have Johnathan the shampoo boy who does this thing to my scalp that gives me goosebumps and tingles all the way down to my toes… And Sarah, who somehow can tame my ridiculously thick and curly hair and make it look good. And can even make it poker straight to change things up.
Comment by anonymous city girl — October 11, 2005 @ 8:46 am
I always bring a book.
Comment by That Girl — October 11, 2005 @ 8:48 am
I have had the same hairstylist for 8 years. She is often late or cancels and charges outrageously for a cut/color and yet I stay because she is THAT good. Plus, she plays kick ass music, serves you wine if you have afternoon/evening appointments and makes my hair look fabulous.
Maybe for some people. getting your hair cut should be like getting a massage? No talking.
Comment by ms. sizzle — October 11, 2005 @ 8:48 am
Hey! That sounds kind of like me, maybe *I* could be your hair stylist…oh wait, I don’t know how to cut hair.
I am lucky, my stylist is a gay-boy version of me.
Comment by Amy — October 11, 2005 @ 9:09 am
I think, at least I know when it comes to myself, that I have a fear of leaving a hair stylist because I am afraid the next person will screw it up — like it’s really THAT HARD to cut a guy’s short hair.
Still, the thought of finding a new hair person is worse than anything else I can think of having to do.
Comment by Pauly D — October 11, 2005 @ 10:10 am
I’m always drunk, so I don’t care. I even had it done at a barbershop once, ’cause I didn’t feel like appointment making. I’m like you, Pauly … how many ways can someone really screw up THIS friggin’ doo?
It grows outta my head - what can I say?
Comment by nic — October 11, 2005 @ 10:48 am
You think that’s bad? Try making conversation with your gynecologist. Try talking about what you do for a living while someone’s poking you in the privates.
Comment by Hope — October 11, 2005 @ 11:19 am
What a timely post for me. In about an hour, I’ll leave my computer and go to see Lu Ann to get my hair cut. She’s been cutting my hair for about 14 years now, and I’m quite comfortable talking to her.
But I certainly do know what you’re talking about. It can be quite uncomfortable.
Cas
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Comment by cassie-b — October 11, 2005 @ 11:52 am
I go to a different salon every time because I’m still searching for The One, apparently.
Comment by kingbenny — October 11, 2005 @ 12:35 pm
The One, eh Benny?
What exactly will The One be like when you find him/her/it?
Comment by Pauly D — October 11, 2005 @ 12:40 pm
I’ve had the same hairdresser since I was 13, so I know her well, she knows me well and I love how she does my hair. I hope I never have to change, gut I’m sure I will. I probably wouldn’t know what to say to a new one.
There’s not many hair dressers that I can say, “Do me wet.” and we get a big laugh out of it. I told her that once, when I meant to leave my hair wet to dry curly. It’s been a standing joke since. LOL
Comment by Karen — October 11, 2005 @ 1:06 pm
Maybe it is my Eurotrash heritage or my inflated sense of self-importance, but I have never found a barber worthy of my conversation. I used to think it was because I was a cheap SOB and sought out barbershops that did everything for $6. How could I expect intelligence in that price range? I was lucky the scissors were clean. But I soon learned that whether it was $6 a cut or $60 a cut, most barbers and “licensed stylists” come basically from the same trailer park. I have sat under the knife of ol’ pappies who felt the problem with America is everyone but white guys; sat under the knife of free range women who felt the problem with America is nothing but white guys. I have sat captive for slick types trying to push stimulating scalp lotion to save my bald spot and sat captive for slick types pushing stimulating scalp lotion while getting stimulated from rubbing it into my bald spot. In the end the most they get from me is a comment on the weather, some mumbling about not having any real plans for the rest of my day and $3 bucks for their effort.
Thanks, Paul for shedding light on an issue I think many of us have felt alone in the world about. I am not a social misfit — none of us get along with our barbers. Thanks for ending my private shame.
Comment by Jerry — October 11, 2005 @ 1:25 pm
What exactly will The One be like when you find him/her/it?
A fair question, Pauly, and one I should know the answer to. I think, in my case, The One will be able to take one look at me and know the best thing to do with my hair and get to it without having to quiz me about my past hairstyle history and the potential hairstyle future.
Comment by kingbenny — October 11, 2005 @ 1:27 pm
The thing that I realized when I visited this new hair stylist this week was this: When someone asks me to tell them how I style my hair in the morning, it will take me 10 minutes to explain and make me look like an idiot.
That’s the one thing no one asks you EVER about your day — how you go about styling your hair. It’s just hard to explain.
Comment by Pauly D — October 11, 2005 @ 1:29 pm
I always get flummoxed when my stylist asks me when my last haircut was?? Like I was cheating on her or something.
Comment by justin — October 11, 2005 @ 2:28 pm
Pauly, you want a hairstylist that looks like you AND is female?
Anyway do you have any friends with great hairstylists? Mine is my friend’s brother’s fiancee so we can always talk about our mutual acquaintances if nothing else. Otherwise I just use her as a good sounding board to vent about things and she does the same. It’s cathartic!!
Comment by Adri — October 11, 2005 @ 3:28 pm
Why would your stylist ask you how you style your hair in the morning? Can’t he/she tell by looking at you when you walk in? I think they just like watching you explain your routine so that they can fuck it up for you by making you do one or two extra things each morning that will ultimately cost you 400 hours a year.
Comment by Amy — October 11, 2005 @ 4:38 pm
My barber has been cutting my hair for the past 16 years so we have plenty to talk about. These days it is mainly about my children and his grandchildren, who are cute, but not like my kids.
Comment by Jack — October 11, 2005 @ 7:58 pm
Pauly, you should have your wife cut your hair - you already know the conversation will be good!
I like the cheap places. I point to a picture, andf if it’s close, I’m happy enough. And, I don’t want to talk either because it is like a massage, and I want to zone out.
Comment by Kathleen — October 11, 2005 @ 8:24 pm
I think you should end it with your hairdresser- deep down she must feel something is missing too… Don’t go on living a lie and wasting both of your time! It will only end in bad hair, boring conversation, and poor tipping. You need to be brave Pauly, go forth and find that one special someone that keeps you stimulated and captivated and stylishly handsome at the same time.
Don’t let fear stop you from finding her. She’ll…. complete you!
(gag!)
Comment by Eve — October 11, 2005 @ 9:14 pm
flummoxed?
nice usage!
Comment by kristine — October 12, 2005 @ 8:12 am
Came over from Annabel’s… Funny post. I just wrote about babbling barbers, too.
Comment by Michael — October 14, 2005 @ 5:37 pm