Words for My Enjoyment

Your WFME Psychological Evaluation: Bubble Wrap Edition

October 9th, 2005

You’ve got a problem.

You walk throughout your day to day life doing things like crunching ice (even when your teeth are sensitive to it), folding magazine insert cards into the smallest possible tiny little square you can, forming tiny little sphere-like shapes with tiny pieces of gum (inside your mouth), balancing things like glue sticks and pencils upright on your desk and popping bubble wrap.

WFME Psychological Evaluation: You have a desire to bend things to your own will.

Some lesser psychologosistical blog services might tell you that you simply have a God complex and that you need to quickly move on from such a thing. That by consistently feeling as if you must control every little thing around you and shape said things to your own will (playing with your Jello brand instant pudding and forming shapes and tributaries in your bowl is another perfect example) you are fighting a losing battle. That, before long, you will realize that you cannot control the things around you and such a realization may very well damage your internal psyche and send you into a darkness that you will never be able to return from.

This goes for your annoying bubble popping obsession, as well.

Know this and really know this to the point of totally knowing that you know this: no matter how many bubbles you pop, no matter how fast you pop them, no matter what country you pop them in and no matter with whom you pop them, there will always be more bubbles to pop. Bubble wrap is being produced faster than oil, yogurt and fruit-roll ups combined. Bubble wrap is cheaper to produce than errant pieces of plastic you randomly find in your carpet (that you have no idea where it came from). Bubble wrap is faster, slicker and more advanced than Air Force fighter jets, vaseline and that MP3 player they’re saying you can implant in your middle ear. Bubble wrap is here to stay.

But are you?

Do you want to grow as a person? Do you want to be able to make decisions about your life without having to “pop a few bubbles to see what you should do?” (Popping five bubbles and getting five clear POPS is a good sign and means you should move forward on the current decision — but popping five and getting JUST ONE fizzler [a bubble that makes no popping sound] means signs point to NO.) Do you want to release yourself from the bubble wrap obsession that shapes your life every single minute of every single hour of every single day of every single month of every single year of every single decade of every single millenium of every single galactic eon?

But you can’t?

Do you order things off Amazon.com that cost less than 99 cents and pay over $5 for shipping just so you can get free bubble wrap? Do you scour the alleyways behind Mailboxes, Etc. and STAPLES stores just so you can snag free errant bubble wrap for your nighttime obsessions? Do you roll the full un-popped bubble between your fore-fingers for minutes before the actual release of air (the “pop-poose” moment) in a sexual way that blows your mind because there is absolutely nothing sexual about it?

In the event that you do, WFME’s Psychological Evaluation is that you need help.

The popping sound of a bubble wrap’s bubble exploding can actually be less exciting than popping a grape in your mouth — did you ever think of that? The sheet of bulbous bubbles may look neat but are far less visually attractive than, oh let’s say, a sheet of candy buttons — did that ever cross your mind? The danger associated with a sheet of un-popped plastic bubbles (if birds get into it and there are unpopped bubbles they can strangle of suffocate themselves) is far less dangerous than, oh I don’t know, popping a wheelie… Don’t you agree?

Wait a second — did you just read that last line and think to yourself that, just like how you have to snip those six-pack plastic holder things before you throw them away to save the birds, you should pop every bubble on a sheet of bubble wrap to save the world’s population of birds, as well? Is that what you thought now that the dangers of bubble wrap and birds has been brought to the forefront of your mind?

Yes. It is just as WFME suspected.

You have a problem. And you need help. And identifying and admitting that fact today here at WFME is your first step in taking a second step which, in turn, will lead you to your third step which involves a fourth and fifth step, which is a good thing.

You’ve made a lot of progress today. You should be proud.

Posted under Psychology, You. |