Childhood Memories That Never Happened
October 6th, 2005
May 4, 1973: At the age of two, while my brain’s pathways are still forming I stun and amaze my extended family at an outdoor barbecue as I flip, season and marinate a selection of meats and poultry. The barbecue is a huge success and my two-year old brain learns the true meaning of the word “seasoned.”
February 22, 1975: At the age of four, I assist the current government administration in formulating a game plan in handling the horrific energy crisis — my suggestion of starting daylight saving time nearly two months early is met with widespread appeal and turns out to be the best idea of my relatively short-life span thus far.
March 12th, 1976: At the age of five, while in the car with my mother to go see the Walt Disney release of the movie The Jungle Book a clarity I have never before experienced washes over me and I proclaim, most confidently, that I believe that children are our future and that if we can only teach them well and let them lead the way that somehow, possibly, we may all see the beauty they possess inside.
July 5, 1978: At the age of seven, while lost in a Long Island, NY based mall I run into television comedian Johnny Carson in the changing section of a particularly dirty Marshalls. Carson is trying on polyester number, I’m screaming my head off cause I’m lost. Carson wonders aloud if I’m crying because of the polyester number or because I’m living in and around a locale where Marshalls seems to be the only legitimate clothing retailer. The sudden realization convinces me that I must leave the East Coast as quickly as I possibly can.
November 10, 1981: At the age of ten, now living on the West Coast of the country, I am riding my bicycle down a particularly barren street in the San Francisco area when I spot a car having driven off the road and flown into a ditch. Having watched CHiPs repeatedly, I rush to the car, throw open the driver’s side door and pull a particularly attractive woman to safety. But she screams, “My baby is still in the car!” I go back to the car a second time, rescuing the baby I hadn’t seen before. Within hours I am the toast of the town, on every evening news program, and even awarded the key to the city. It allows me to finally go after my dreams - including the ingesting of an entire case of Lik ‘A Stik’s without feeling the least bit at fault.
January 16, 1983: At the age of twelve, after having experimented with a variety of ways to keep my friends from stealing my Star Wars figures, a particularly ingenious idea comes to me. I patent it, develop it, have a prototype built with the help of my parents’ limited budget and four months later the “wheel clamp” is born. London police begin using said wheel clamps on illegally-parked vehicles almost immediately, and I am interviewed in many small transportation publications and magazines because of it. My schoolmates, on the other hand, are less than impressed.
December 25, 1985: At the age of fourteen, I eat two entire bottles of Flintstone’s Chewable Vitamins, thinking they’re candy. I light my neighbor’s house on fire, shave a local dog until it is hairless, paint Richard Nixon’s face on my relatively bare buttocks and go on a rampage that strings across three counties, two states and fourteen McDonald’s bathrooms. I am never the same again.
We’re the same age! But you’re much more accomplished. By 4, the most exciting thing I’d done was see Rod Stewart and Donnie & Marie at the Fair.
And I never ate Flintstone vitamins like that, but at 5, a kid on my street and I drank a “squeezie-bear” of honey, and at 6 ate a half box of Ayds appetite suppressants - I thought they were caramel.
I still don’t have an appetite.
These memories really did happen.
Comment by Flower Girl — October 6, 2005 @ 9:10 am
Yeah, well, I invented cold fusion at the age of 12.
Comment by Keith — October 6, 2005 @ 9:19 am
Cold fusion? Wow. Cold sore, cold shoulder, coldeeze, OK. But cold fusion?
Nice.
Comment by Pauly D — October 6, 2005 @ 9:44 am
I face planted off a bike, made hamburger out of my nose, put an inch long split in my lower lip… also broke my front tooth which slammed its way THROUGH my lower lip - creating a nice big hole in my face.
Lots of stitches, fake teeth, and antibiotics later, my stunt career was well on its way!
Comment by Adri — October 6, 2005 @ 10:02 am
I want my children to be yours.
Comment by nic — October 6, 2005 @ 10:03 am
yeah well when i was 6 i accidentally farted in a local mall and the producers of Solid gold happened to be shopping at Mervyns and saw me. i had a habit of doing a swishy fan dance with my hands in front of my ass to make the smell depart. they took that move and there was born the famous Solid Gold dance move!
genius from flatulence. so awesome.
Comment by ms. sizzle — October 6, 2005 @ 10:18 am
I like to tell people I chewed a whole roll of Bubble Tape when I was 12, but actually my mom caught me halfway through. And telling people, “My mom caught me chewing half a roll of bubble tape” isn’t nearly as impressive.
Comment by Dan — October 6, 2005 @ 10:30 am
OMG! ms.sizzle! I was right behind you! I was 5 and I came up with the idea of a mask that would protect a person from gas fumes!
Comment by nic — October 6, 2005 @ 11:03 am
1985 was a good year.
Comment by monkeyinabox — October 6, 2005 @ 11:15 am
Ok, farting stories are okay for guys to tell, but what’s up with all the women in here smelling up the place?
C’mon now.
Comment by Pauly D — October 6, 2005 @ 12:56 pm
I invented the Internet at the age of 14. Al Gore can piss off!
Comment by Amy — October 6, 2005 @ 1:30 pm
don’t be a chauvinist paul.
Comment by ms. sizzle — October 6, 2005 @ 2:17 pm
To ms. sizzle: Pauly’s point aside, I must ask you this — how does one “accidentally” fart?
To Pauly: you have a remarkably keen memory.
Comment by Sara J. — October 6, 2005 @ 7:20 pm
So you are the Great Cornholio!?
“December 25, 1985: At the age of fourteen, I eat two entire bottles of Flintstone’s Chewable Vitamins, thinking they’re candy….”
and on Christmas, of all days.
Comment by C(h)ristine — October 6, 2005 @ 10:32 pm
Re: Ms. Sizzle
She has a propensity to release gaseous anomalies of all manners. Usually only when I am around though. I am one of the “chosen.”
Re: Me
August 17, 1977: At age 6, using my basic knowledge of circuitry, I draw up the blueprints for a hand held laser pistol which is to be constructed from a blue outdoor Christmas lightbulb and a circular connecting plate cut from the metal lid of a mayonnaise jar. To everyone’s surprise, it is immediately successful and several playground children are maimed and/or blinded by the powerful blasts. Shortly after the “incident” men in black suits arrive at the house and force my parents to make me give up the device and plans. 28 years later, the Blu-Ray Disc Association and a slew of partner companies announce that Blu-Ray will be the next step in DVD technology allowing HD content on a single disc. Warnings are placed on the devices to protect against maiming and blindness.
Comment by Mr_Rodacre — October 6, 2005 @ 11:58 pm
I’m six right now.
Comment by Pierce — October 7, 2005 @ 4:52 am
i have known of people who “accidentally” fart and i am not talking about those senior citizens who pass gas while walking by you in the grocery store but never appear to know they farted. oh they know!
my story was completely made up. i confess. though i DO break out the Solid Gold dance move from time to time. but never because i just passed gas. i am actually quite ladylike. ok, well, except for the burping around mr. rodacre. but that is his fault.
Comment by ms. sizzle — October 7, 2005 @ 9:08 am
Oh, sure Ms. Sizzle — NOW it’s a made up story.
Comment by Pauly D — October 7, 2005 @ 9:13 am
Vitamins….yes, I can relate to vitamin experience…but the other stuff, URBAN legend…right? Maybe I should switch to hot tea before I read many more of your posts?
Smooch,
The Tart
Comment by Jody ~ Cheap Tart — February 8, 2006 @ 12:09 pm