Cheri Oteri Likes To Wear A Hat

SNL alum Cheri Oteri, apparently, likes to wear a hat.

Of course, why exactly anyone wears a hat is their own business. Some of them like to wear hats because they didn’t want to take a shower. Others wear a hat because they’re going bald. Others believe that wearing a hat makes them look sporty. But yesterday at the Sherman Oaks, CA restaurant Hugo’s — Cheri Oteri was wearing a hat to make sure that no one recognized her.

Oh, Cheri. You can’t get away from me that easily.

I was standing just next to her and her “unknown breakfast partner” in the front of the restaurant — we shared a look when I walked into the establishment. It was that kind of, ‘do I know you, no I don’t, but do you know me’ kind of thing. I swear that when I glanced in her direction she lowered the bill of her hat as if she knew I had no fear in approaching her and asking her why she chose to cover up those beautiful locks of hair with a grungy old baseball hat.

I couldn’t let her down.

I sidled up next to her but pretended to be playing with my Sidekick, punching away at the keys as I turned my head to see what she was talking about. Politics? What she was going to eat for breakfast? The mating habits of South American pincher-esque beetles? Who knew. She was the crazy cheerleader on Saturday Night Live and so many other quirky characters that she was like a loose cannon.

But why was she wearing the hat? Seriously? I wanted to know. So I turned around and faced her.

Me: “Hi.”

Cheri Oteri: “Hi.”

She was good. She wasn’t going to give ANYTHING away. Well, I wasn’t going to even address the fact that I knew who she was if she wasn’t going to either.

Me: “So… I noticed you’re wearing a hat.”

Cheri Oteri: “Yes. I’m wearing a hat.”

Me: “Are you trying to hide from somebody?”

Cheri Oteri: “Am I trying to hide from somebody.”

Me: “Cause if you are, well, I think people probably still know it’s you. I mean, c’mon. Embrace who you are, don’t try to hide it.”

Cheri Oteri: “That’s really good advice.”

Me: “You think?”

Cheri Oteri: “Yeah, I think.”

Me: “Well, then… I say you take off that hat and you let everyone know it’s you.”

And that was about when Cheri launched into her typical, sarcastic SNL voice:

Cheri Oteri: “Yeah, no. But thanks. Really. Great talkin’ to ya. Buh-bye.”

Hell, I was just…

Me: “…trying to be there for you.”

She looked at me, looked at the person I was with (who was now shrinking back into the background), and looked to her friend who appeared to be a tad uncomfortable. It was right about then that the restaurant’s resident “I’ve got the list of names” person shouted out, “Cheri? Cheri, party of two?”

Curious, I thought, as Cheri and her friend left me in the cold. She’s wearing a hat to protect her identity yet at the same time she gave her REAL NAME to the person at the front podium. It could only mean one very startling thing:

Cheri Oteri likes to wear a hat.

There was no faux-reason for covering her noggin. She was not trying to hide from the public or cover up an unsightly female bald issue. She was not unclean or had nappy, gnarly hair. She genuinely, totally, fully just loves wearing a dingy old baseball cap. The sudden realization was both stunning and relieving.

Let no mere mortal say that WFME does not uncover the true, harsh, startling revelations.

21 comments on “Cheri Oteri Likes To Wear A Hat

  1. Fun Joel - October 3, 2005 at 7:31 am -

    Actually, the truth is that the hat did work as a disguise. That wasn’t Cheri at all — it was ME! Muuuaaahhahahahahhh!

    And by the way… MERRY (Jewish) New Year!

  2. Kristi - October 3, 2005 at 7:35 am -

    Well, she obviously wasn’t trying to hide because of her “celebrity” status. She’s a C-lister, at the very best. I’d hope she wasn’t ignorant enough to believe she was important enough to warrant wearing a “disguise”. Poor, poor Arianna.

  3. Hilary - October 3, 2005 at 8:39 am -

    But Pauly–what kind of hat was it? A baseball cap? A bucket hat? Do tell!

  4. Pauly D - October 3, 2005 at 8:48 am -

    Baseball cap. Baseball cap.

  5. Pierce - October 3, 2005 at 9:28 am -

    A dingy old baseball cap or a sparkling new one?

  6. Keith - October 3, 2005 at 9:36 am -

    What team does she like?

  7. C(h)ristine - October 3, 2005 at 9:59 am -

    you have a sidekick?

  8. Kristi - October 3, 2005 at 10:08 am -

    Probably a LA Angels hat all sparkly for the playoffs. Pshaw- bandwagon fans…

  9. ms. sizzle - October 3, 2005 at 10:50 am -

    really? she said: buh-bye? that’s obnoxious.

  10. jerry - October 3, 2005 at 10:55 am -

    Angels cap?!?! Pshaw yourself. I am willing to bet she was sporting either a Yankees cap honoring the city that made her a c-list celebrity to begin with or she is trying to suck up to Jimmy Fallon (hoping to more up to his B-list status) and sported a Red Sox cap — and a Red Sox cap is bandwagon for sure.

  11. ME Strauss - October 3, 2005 at 11:19 am -

    I needed a break from my writing and decided to find someone who might offer a good read and some relaxation. You came through with both.

    Your writing is light and airy, with a blush of mischief. I’m sure it would blend well with any mood or occasion. Are you sure you’re in LA? I would swear I get the hint of Sonoma.

  12. meme - October 3, 2005 at 11:32 am -

    wouldn’t it have been HOT if it was one of those sherlock holmes hats?

    that might’ve intimidated you.

  13. kingbenny - October 3, 2005 at 1:52 pm -

    Did you catch a glimpse of her hair under the cap? Perhaps it was awry.

  14. Pauly D - October 3, 2005 at 2:25 pm -

    Questions abound.

    It was a dingy baseball cap, Pierce. But it wasn’t a team baseball cap, Keith, so I don’t know her favorite team. And yeah, C(h)ristine, I have a Sidekick and no Hilary — it wasn’t sparkly. And yes, Ms. Sizzle she did say buh-bye and it was a bit sarcastic and no Jimmy there was no Angels or Yankees action going on.

    But yeah, meme — a Sherlock Holmes hat would have been HOT and intimidating.

  15. anon - October 3, 2005 at 9:03 pm -

    You are so funny, Pauly. But I do always feel like I’m ‘trolling’ when I drop in to ‘see’ you. I totally would not want to ne near you when you pull a stunt like that -nah, I’d be egging you on and laughing my arse off behind the potted palm.

  16. Keith - October 3, 2005 at 10:53 pm -

    Umm, Jerry? I wear a Red Sox hat when I’m wearing a baseball hat, and I’m no bandwagon jumper. It is possible to wear a team’s apparel for reasons other than it being cool. Just ask Denis Leary, Michael Chiklis, Steven Wright, Stephen King, John O’Hurley, Emeril Lagasse, John Kerry and, of course, Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.

  17. jerry - October 4, 2005 at 7:30 am -

    Sorry, Keith, I didn’t mean to infer all red sox wearers are bandwagon types. I was merely speculating as to what Teri was wearing and that she might be a band-wagon type, not you or others out there. I understand there are many committed Bosox fans out there (Let’s be honest here –John Kerry is not one of them though) and them donning the cap is legit. {Personally, I wear a cap with a Nike swoosh on it, so I am a mere slave to consumerism.

  18. jafer - October 4, 2005 at 2:59 pm -

    Hey, wait a minute… wasn’t it Molly Shannon who used to play the cheerleader on SNL? Along with Will Ferrell?

    I don’t remember ever seeing Cheri Oteri doing a cheerleader thing, although I suppose I could be wrong.

    And whenever I go out in disguise, aka no make-up, scummy clothes, hair sticking up but just on one side, people then recognize me, and look at me and ask for my autograph, so I give fake names when I run into a restaurant.

  19. kristine - October 5, 2005 at 5:35 am -

    yeah, you’re wrong, jafer.

    i love that she said buh-bye. hahaha! had i been your partner at this eatery, i’d have made it even more fun with an “ohhh! slam! she just said BUH-BYE!” shout.

  20. Hilary - October 5, 2005 at 1:42 pm -

    Umm, I never asked if it was sparkly. But thanks for telling me it isn’t.

  21. Dinah - December 14, 2005 at 9:57 am -

    I really enjoyed your “take” on the event. I do think it must be hard for someone who is obvioulsy SO TALENTED (brilliant even) to watch people like Will Farrell and even David Spade continue to be successful while she struggles to find her place.

    It’s a shame that women commedians don’t have more of a shelf life.

    That’s all I’M SAYING!

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