‘The Brady Bunch’ vs. The U.S. Constitution
September 28th, 2005
With all the trouble these days with political lobbyists and corrupt leadership and appointing people to the Supreme Court who may, in time, reverse all the worthwhile decisions made over the last 50 years…
It got me to thinking about the United States Constitution and how aware our citizens are of the actual verbage that shapes their world.
And then it got me to thinking about The Brady Bunch.
If you were to ask ten of your friends to name ten laws in the United States Consitution they would probably mention something about freedom of speech and then incoherently mumble about all men are created equal and then probably stuff their mouth with french toast so they wouldn’t have to talk about it anymore. But replace the Constitution with the lessons learned from The Brady Bunch and everyone would be on the same page.
Broken down, the top 10 major commandments or laws that society could glean from the colorful, wacky, familial sit-com created by uber-producer Sherwood Schwartz would be:
- Stealing money [as in the kind you find in a wallet out back behind your house] is wrong.
- Breaking and entering [like into Sam's meat locker] is against the law.
- Freedom of speech [like when Jan admitted to feeling uncomfortable being the middle child] would be welcomed.
- Equal opportunity programs [like when Marcia didn't want to date bug-guy Harvey Klinger but gave him a chance in the end even though he was a tad 'different'] should be encouraged.
- Sexual intercourse before marriage should be wholly ignored.
- Sabotaging real-estate sales [like when the kids set up the whole ghost-in-the-house scenario to scare away potential buyers] is not looked upon positively.
- Per Homeland Security, visiting questionable locations without any law enforcement support is to be avoided [like that Ghost Town where the whole group got locked up in the jail cell by the transient who liked fried chicken].
- Frivilous lawsuits will eventually be punished [like the guy wearing the fake neck brace that Mike Brady proved to be fake after throwing his briefcase on the courtroom floor].
- Freedom of Speech will not be quashed [like bully Buddy Hinton tried to do when Cindy had that lisp of hers].
- Honesty is always the best policy [which the kids learned after lying about breaking Carol's vase].
- Bonus law: Something relating to Ow, my nose!
That would just be the beginning.
People would stand up for others in the face of being bullied. Local construction workers would not leave ancient Hawaiian tikis in the sand for fear of it ruining someone’s life in horrible ways. Violent rallies and negative words would be replaced with four part harmonies and lush dinner/round tables where saying nice things about each other would be encouraged.
Disagreements and arguments would be settled by building a house of cards. Financial budgetary problems and huge governmental deficits would be rectified by entering the country into huge musical contests where awesome choreographed dance moves and catchy choruses would save our financial institutions. The oft-ignored allies of our country (like Canada) would no longer be shoved off to the side like Oliver… They would be welcomed back into the fold, albeit through the hazing-like ritual of throwing pies at each other’s President and Prime Ministers…
Debates and discussions and political roundtables would become family meetings. Criminal behavior and illegal acts would no longer be bullied and investigated by shadow organizations cloaked in secrecy — but would instead be handled by cheery personalities [like Cindy & Oliver] whose ability to seem innocent and happy throughout their investigation would lessen everyone’s issues about the entire witchhunt-like process. And as always, peoples of different backgrounds, ethnicities and accents [including those that sound like Humphrey Bogart] would be welcomed no matter how strange, different or quirky they might be.
The United States would be a wholly better place.
Amen to that.
Filibusters would also be replaced by seeing who could set the new world record for See-Sawing.
Comment by Michelle — September 28, 2005 @ 8:36 am
Good call on the filibusters, Michelle!
That would be awesome — watching congressmen spend all day and night on the see-saw while their elderly parents brought them sandwiches and put jackets over their shoulders while they continued to ramble on about whatever.
At least then, filibusters and The Guinness Book would be one in the same.
Comment by Pauly D — September 28, 2005 @ 8:39 am
Someone busted out their brand new Brady Bunch DVD didn’t they?
Comment by monkeyinabox — September 28, 2005 @ 9:05 am
You aren’t suffering from sleep deprivation are you?
Comment by Genuine — September 28, 2005 @ 10:23 am
Sadly, everyone in Southern California seems to abide by the Knight Rider Law: Get a cool car that all the kids will want when they see it.
Comment by Keith — September 28, 2005 @ 10:31 am
I hate to get into a debate with you, Keith, but that makes no sense whatsoever.
If it was a law, the Knight Rider law would be that all cars must come with a talking GPS system that can also fight crime. What you’re talking about is an amendment TO A LAW.
FYI.
Comment by Pauly D — September 28, 2005 @ 10:33 am
this is SO before my time, paul. keep it aga appropriate, please. aren’t all your readers YOUNG (women)?
Comment by kristine — September 28, 2005 @ 10:45 am
From the new Blog version of FODOR’S:
Words For My Enjoyment is a humor weblog that is sweet smelling, pleasing to the touch and extremely cost efficient. Appropriate for ages 17-53.
They wrote it, not me. And if you don’t know what The Brady Bunch is, I feel very very badly for you.
Comment by Pauly D — September 28, 2005 @ 10:49 am
53? My birthday’s next month, and I’ll be 54. This bites.
Comment by Kathleen — September 28, 2005 @ 11:26 am
what’s this 53 business?
Comment by Barney — September 28, 2005 @ 1:08 pm
Why not ages 17-99? I’m sure you’ve got some readers who remember Ulysses Grant or Tonto?
Comment by kartooner — September 28, 2005 @ 2:09 pm
If only I had control over what the Blog version of FODORS says. Doesn’t mean you can’t read it if you’re over 53… Just means FODORS says you shouldn’t.
Comment by Pauly D — September 28, 2005 @ 2:15 pm
how can a person NOT know about the brady bunch?
i learned how to woo a man from marcia.
jk.
“ouuu! my nose!”
Comment by ms. sizzle — September 28, 2005 @ 2:16 pm
If Alice were president and Sam were vice president, we wouldn’t have troops in Iraq right now.
Comment by Amy — September 28, 2005 @ 2:27 pm
yeah, uh, who doesn’t know the brady bunch?
Comment by jenny — September 28, 2005 @ 3:31 pm
Um, seriously.
Although, I bet no one knows what Carol Brady’s maiden name is without LOOKING IT UP.
Comment by Pauly D — September 28, 2005 @ 3:36 pm
Uh..Johnson?
Comment by Michelle — September 28, 2005 @ 4:09 pm
pauly, you and your quizzes! stop the trivia madness!
Comment by ms. sizzle — September 28, 2005 @ 5:23 pm
Jeez. Bobby surrrrre could have used this list. Then he might have avoided contracting the mumps by kissing Millicent. That skeezer.
Should there be a Brady Commandment about loose women?
Comment by AJ — September 28, 2005 @ 9:32 pm
I’ve always wondered; what happened to their dog, Tiger? Remember the episode where, after hours of spending quality Brady time building a card castle, Tiger destroys it? Yeah, I think that’s where Tiger bit the bullet.
Comment by kartooner — September 29, 2005 @ 6:25 am
It may be true that our troops would be safe at home if Alice and Sam were at the top of the ticket but you can bet your engraved, silverplated anniversary platter that if Alice’s twin sister were running America we would be leveling Iran on our way to Syria right now.
Comment by jerry — September 29, 2005 @ 7:55 am