The Fingernail Factor
September 26th, 2005
If you understand the subject of this post, then you and I will be fast friends.
Not to be a fingernail snob or anything like that, but I happen to have pretty normal looking fingernails. There’s an equal, symmetrical amount of space all around each fingernail (the skin) and each nail itself looks happy with its existence. There’s the half moon at the base, the mid-section, the curvaceous and smooth cuticle and the not-too-long tip of the iceberg — the scratching portion of the nail.
This is a damn fine looking fingernail.
But lately I’ve started to find that more than a freaky looking homeless guy without teeth or a (I’m sorry) limping kid with mental challenges or even a person wearing jeans far too small for their body type — gnarly looking fingernails have started to shake me to the core.
Now, I’m not talking about people who bite their nails and keep them nubby with bright red nail polish. I’m not talking about people who have big, thick potato chip nails (there’s no other way to describe them). I’m not talking about fingernails that are way too long or way too short or way too shiny. I am talking about the kind of nails that have been slammed in a car door, thus facilitating the kind of off-center, un-symmetrical look that gives me the shivers. I am talking about the kind of nails that are way too small for the finger they are on — the kind that are nestled into the finger-skin like the yolk in an egg. I am talking about the kind of fingernails that make you think of babies that are born with a second hairy head sticking out of their shoulders.
You know the kind. And you share my fear.
Personally, I think people who have the hairy-baby headed fingernail ailment should have to cover their fingers with mini fingergloves in certain situations. Like for example, at a restaurant. If I’m sitting next to you at the sushi bar and there you are picking up pieces of raw fish with your hard-boiled, skin-coated teeny baby fingernail that has been painted with a bright pink color (I can only assume) to draw attention towards its shortcomings, it doesn’t allow me to enjoy my meal. It makes me think of a dirty dwarf missing a patch of his pants (you can see the skin poking through) who is covered in olive oil and trying to squeeze his head through a small opening in a metal shipping container so he can get enough air. It’s random, sure. But that’s what I think of as you try to pick up that salmon sashimi with your sad little fingernail wrapped in skin wannabe potato-chip digit.
I know that some people, in fact most people, have no control over this obvious gene related issue. I know that some people are just born with nubby fingers and nubby nails that don’t fit their fingers. I am not here to make these people feel bad or to make them angry. I just wish there was something society could do to help them out of such a dilemma (and which would help me in removing yet another “shiver-thing” from my public consciousness).
Yes, another “shiver-thing.”
You know the deal — it’s the kind of feeling you get when you see something that gives you the mental willies. From things that make you nervous (people sitting in their cars in the supermarket parking lot eating straight out of a huge container of potato salad) to things that make you uncomfortable (people who cut their dogs hair to match their own hair style) to people offering to shake your hand with their door-jammed, hammer-slammed, kitchen knife chopped-block off-balance fingernail.
Maybe you don’t have any idea what I’m talking about and maybe you don’t get the willies from these Outer Limit-esque freakshows. Maybe you embrace all fingernails equally like our Founding Fathers (some of them, at least.)
I don’t know — maybe you and I won’t be fast friends.
Thank you Pauly, for making me even more self conscious of my nails. I hate my hands as it is, now you have reinforced my fear of them being ugly.
Comment by Hilary — September 26, 2005 @ 8:30 am
If that’s an actual picture of your hand up there Pauly D, I’ll be your friend. Otherwise, rub on the Skin So Soft and show me the goods!
Comment by monkeyinabox — September 26, 2005 @ 8:40 am
I had a friend in college with a really bad toenail fungus. He insisted on wearing Birks to “change the world’s perception of fungus-infected toenails”. He succeeded in that he changed the perception from “That sounds gross” to “Holy shit that is disgusting.”
Don’t click this.
Comment by Paige — September 26, 2005 @ 9:02 am
Note to Self: Do Not Read Pauly’s Blog During My Lunch-Hour. Repeat: Do Not Read Pauly’s Blog During My Lunch-Hour. I also choked on my baby carrot (which all of a sudden seemed an awful lot like a finger), I was getting so grossed out…
*Shiver*
Comment by Em — September 26, 2005 @ 9:09 am
I’m guessing that those Lamisil commercials where the thing opens up the guy’s toenail like a car hood sends you into full-on convulsions.
Comment by Keith — September 26, 2005 @ 9:12 am
Holy crap, Keith.
Every time I see that ANIMATED COMMERCIAL where they open up the toe nail and the little creatures take us on a “It’s A Small World” tour through the brittle underworkings of someone’s toe-nail world, I have to change the channel.
At least the toenails are symmetrical, but the world…well I just can’t do it.
Comment by Pauly D — September 26, 2005 @ 9:18 am
Pauly, you are hilarious. And gee am I glad I have nice hands/fingernails. We can still be friends. I think describing them as “potato chip” is right on. . . but now, I won’t be able to eat potato chips ever again. That’s a good thing since they are so fattening. Except the “wow” ones that give you the runs. Now THERE is a dieretic! But I digress…
Comment by ms. sizzle — September 26, 2005 @ 9:40 am
I love my fingernails. I really do. I guess we’ll be friends, Pauly. I owe you a beer for bringing this disgusting truth to light.
I can’t stand ugly fingernails. I also can’t stand nice fingernails that are DIRTY…especially those out there working in foodservice! I mean seriously…clean that black, caked gunk from under your claws before you set my plate down in front of me… PLEASE! I’m scared to know where your fingers have been ((shudder)). And what about those women with painted talons. Have you ever turned your palms to the sun to see what’s breeding in the nooks and crannies?? Have you??
Ok…I better quit. I feel flushed.
::::stepping down from the podium::::
Comment by purpletwinkie — September 26, 2005 @ 9:42 am
true story: i became a hand model recently…my hand is on the front of a package in every walmart/target/babies r us in the country.
Comment by meme — September 26, 2005 @ 10:57 am
All nine of my finger/thumb nails are awesome.
Comment by kingbenny — September 26, 2005 @ 11:57 am
I can’t stand gnarly fingernails or gnarly toenails. If a person can’t take care of those basic things, what does the rest of their body look like? Ewww…..
Comment by Amy — September 26, 2005 @ 2:38 pm
I think pretty much if a person has pototo chip fingernails, their toenails probably match. I’m totally laughing just thinking this post is gonna bring all the potato chip nail loving individuals out of the wood work like your girlfriends with freaky long toe post.
Comment by groovebunny — September 26, 2005 @ 6:01 pm
Worst job ever: Pedicurist.
Comment by Sara J. — September 26, 2005 @ 7:30 pm
How about podiatrist or proctologist? They have to be the worse!
Comment by Cutiepie2 — September 26, 2005 @ 8:20 pm
Sara, I concur. However, I think I can do you one better: footcare nurse for senior citizens. I have a friend who does this. She is, in my opinion, a glutton for punishment.
Oh yeah, I change the channel at the Lamisil commericals too.
Grossest. WFME. Ever. Even more icky than the post that introduced me to Turducken. Thanks Paul.
Incidentally, what do you think of the woman in the Guiness Book of World Records for the world’s longest fingernails? Google this: long fingernails. Best prepare yourself, though.
Comment by JanO — September 26, 2005 @ 8:27 pm
I will be friends with EVERYONE with nice fingernails. And I refuse to ever watch another Lamisil commercial again.
As for Sara J’s observation that being a pedicurist is the worst job ever, I would agree wholeheartedly. I have enough trouble taking care of my own toes let alone making a living by shaving your own potato-chip nails down with a metal file.
Comment by Pauly D — September 26, 2005 @ 8:39 pm
I’m a nail-biter… Can we ever get passed that?
Comment by danielle — September 26, 2005 @ 9:24 pm
I have great nails but I tend not to look at other people’s hands because I think they are the sexiest part of the body. Therefore, to me, staring at someone’s hands is like watching porn. And bad hands. Ugh. Im afriad I have to add people who bite their fingernails until the skin and nails around them bleed - you need therapy
Comment by That Girl — September 27, 2005 @ 5:39 am
one of my several fetishes is women’s long painted fingernails…I am sure by the end of this year you will have spoken on all my fetishes
Comment by The Moviequill — September 27, 2005 @ 8:51 am
Fortunately, I have fabulous nails. Had an aunt who’d bit her nails down to the quick. Then, when she stopped they all grew in totally weird. Yuck! I was just shallow and hedonisitc enough to never bite my nails after seeing hers.
My nails have personalities. They look like people. My middle finger on my right hand is John Kerry - that’s for W. They change depending on how long the nail has gotten. What I really don’t get are really long painted or decaled nails on women who have to use a computer. That’s instant carpal tunnel if you ask me.
Oooh, gotta go file John down to size. Thanks, great piece.
Comment by anon — September 27, 2005 @ 8:40 pm
I just started growing my nails after three long years of biting.It’s now been three weeks without biting and there starting to get long . At this point i’m so afraid to even cut or file them, because I’m that afraid of going back to biting them.
I really don’t know what to do, should I just let them continue to grow . I know guys shouldn’t have long nails but I just can’t go back to what I was doing,( biting and biting ).help.
I really can’t cut them (help)
Comment by rob — February 7, 2007 @ 8:25 pm