Not Wishing I Had A Dollar
September 22nd, 2005
Personally, I never wish I had a dollar for anything.
Sure, you may wish you had a dollar for every time you see someone trip on the sidewalk, or every time something gets screwed up at your office, or every time you choke on milk and graham crackers and the combined mixture comes streaming out your nose…
But not me.
I never wish I had a dollar for anything.
I think society has messed up, personally. There was a point in the history of society when some idiot decided to pronounce out loud that if this happened then hypothetically wouldn’t it be great if someone gave him money. Then suddenly, people started jumping on the “I wish I had a [insert monetary amount here] every time [insert ironic happening here]” bandwagon.
Sure, over time, the monetary amount has changed. From Ancient times when people like Socrates wished that he had a handful of rice for everytime someone didn’t understand what he was saying… To the early 1930’s when people experiencing the depression wished that they could have a dime for every time someone said “these are hard times that we must endure” to Russians of the mid 70’s who consistently wished for “a roll of toilet paper” every time someone had to go to the bathroom.
People jumped on the bandwagon.
But more disturbing than the history behind such a phrase is the fact that people have, throughout history, believed (if simply just a little bit) that there’s any possibility that this kind of a scenario would ever come true. Well, let me once and for all lay the cards on the table:
No one is going to give you a dollar for repeatedly banging your knee into a coffee table.
There are people who use this phrase so reguarly that it seems as if they sort of believe it could happen. That if every time a car drives by and splashes water on them that someone could possibly show up with a check for twenty-five cents. That every time the bus is late someone would drop a dollar in your pocket. That every time you answer the phone and no one’s there, a shiny silver dollar appears out of nowhere.
In fact, the only connection between this never-gonna-happen dreamlike phrase and reality involves the creators of popular television shows in syndication. For them, “every time the show airs” someone sends them a check for anywhere from $10,000 to $50,000. For them, it is indeed a dream come true.
But me? I’m not wishing I had a dollar. Or a quarter. Or a dime. Or any amount of money for getting myself into situations repeatedly. I won’t think it, say it or even raise my eyebrows to you in a sort of short-hand “oh you know money’s comin’ my way cause I just tripped over the cat again” way.
Nope.
Not wishing I had a dollar. At all.
—
In other news, tomorrow brings us yet another edition of “Words For Your Enjoyment” — where you submit an idea for a post, we print it out and put it in a hat, and let the local neighborhood monkey pick the one he thinks is the funniest. Usually, if it smells like bananas or chili, he’ll pick that one.
Talk about inflation, it wasn’t not long ago this expression was I wish I had a nickle for everytime Pauly burps the alphabet outloud while waiting for his M&M Blizzard at the local Dairy Queen. Now with this dollar thing, I’ll be even more depressed. Thank.
Comment by monkeyinabox — September 22, 2005 @ 9:45 am
You are right. I used to always say, “Boy! If I had a dollar for every dollar my husband has spent on drugs and hookers- I’d have my daughter’s college fund back!”
But like you say, that’s just stinkin’ thinkin’.
Comment by Eve — September 22, 2005 @ 10:22 am
Eve - If you had all the money back that your husband spent on drugs and hookers, you wouldn’t need the dollar.
It’s like saying I wish I had a nickle for every time I spent a dollar.
That’s bad math.
Comment by monkeyinabox — September 22, 2005 @ 10:30 am
Is it me or is monkeyinabox completely wrong? Eve is just saying she wants the money back that her husband spent - dollar for dollar.
Where is the bad math? I am confused. Plus I was told there would be no math in this post.
Comment by Dave — September 22, 2005 @ 10:50 am
Oh if I had a dime for every time I was broke and needed a dime. Woah, thats weird.
Comment by kingbenny — September 22, 2005 @ 10:51 am
there’s no bad math! just monkey’s bad pun, perhaps? or red herring? mistype for me to exploit?
but come on PAUL. even Martha Stewart would bend over for a quarter. are you suggesting you’re better than MARTHA?!
Comment by kristine — September 22, 2005 @ 11:05 am
Ooops.. I thought it was Boy! If I had a dollar for every TIME my husband has spent on drugs and hookers- I’d have my daughter’s college fund back!
Comment by monkeyinabox — September 22, 2005 @ 11:27 am
I bet Martha Stewart wishes she had a dollar for everytime she bent over to pick up a quarter. That would be so nice.
Comment by monkeyinabox — September 22, 2005 @ 11:29 am
Anyways, wouldn’t it make more sense to wish for a million dollars when you see ___ happen? That way - you only have to have the bizarre hypothetical check writer strike once, as opposed to trying to “catch lightning in a bottle,” and get paid every single time you see ___ happen. Maybe we can start a new trend? Or would we just seem greedy?
Comment by jimi — September 22, 2005 @ 12:34 pm
I wish I had all the world’s wealth every time you found a penny.
Comment by Pauly D — September 22, 2005 @ 12:46 pm
Oh, if I had a dollar for everytime I heard Paul say he’s not wishing for a dollar…
Comment by Hope — September 22, 2005 @ 1:11 pm
Are you saying that those of us who use that tired old adage are somehow lesser people because of it? Because yes, it’s tired, and yes, it’s an old adage, but I use it. And I’m hip — I’m with it — I know what the kids are into these days. And I’m not *sob* a lesser person because of it *sob*.
Comment by Amber — September 22, 2005 @ 1:12 pm
This reminds me of an interview I read with The Eagles (band, not football team). They were talking about how they created the phrase “Life in the fast lane”, and Don Henley said, “I wish I had a dollar for every time someone said that. Oh wait, I do.”
Comment by Brooke — September 22, 2005 @ 2:42 pm
I wish I had an Oscar Meyer weiner.
Comment by C Ro — September 22, 2005 @ 4:39 pm
i had wine at lunch today with my admin and now i am not wishing i did. i am tired.
Comment by jenny — September 22, 2005 @ 5:00 pm
Hey toilet paper is a hot commodity in my house and we’re not even Russian!
Comment by groovebunny — September 22, 2005 @ 5:16 pm
Yeah, but the big question is — double-ply, triple-ply or double-ply double-size? Or single-ply, double roll?
It matters.
Comment by Pauly D — September 22, 2005 @ 5:21 pm
that’s been my whole problem all along..I keep wishing for a nickel everytime I say something, if I had set my hopes higher like you I would have paid off my student loans earlier
Comment by The Moviequill — September 22, 2005 @ 7:49 pm
I just wish I had a nickel, full stop.
K.
Comment by Kris — September 22, 2005 @ 10:39 pm
Charmin Mega-roll! We don’t mess around when it comes to tp. lol
Comment by groovebunny — September 22, 2005 @ 11:32 pm
I think they should come up with a NEVER-ENDING TP ROLL just like the never-ending GOBSTOPPERS.
You know? I mean, instead of putting a single roll on a TP holder, it would just come from inside the wall. You’d never have to refill it and you’d never be able to ask questions about it. There’d secretly be a TP TROLL in the wall who would spend his entire life making the stuff for you, but as long as you don’t see the TP TROLL, well then, you don’t have to worry your pretty little head about it.
Yeah. A TP TROLL. Great idea.
Comment by Pauly D — September 23, 2005 @ 6:24 am
There is nothing freakier than knowing that there is a troll in the wall. Forget the TP (though it is a lovely thought). But a troll constantly living in the wall of your house? What does it eat? I don’t know if I like the Never-ending TP thing now. At first I was ready to head to city hall and lobby for it. A troll in the wall……..
Comment by Cutiepie2 — September 24, 2005 @ 4:54 am