The Post Where I Complain
September 21st, 2005
I don’t like broccoli.
Sure, there are people out there who will tell you that if you just pour thick Velveeta cheese all over the broccoli’s green stalks of steaming hot blandness, that you will be able to stomach a vegetable that reminds me of the small trees that made up the forest on The Smurfs and which usually those damn Smurfs hid under when Gargamel was trying to find them to eat them. Of course, I half wish Gargamel would have found them and eaten them cause then maybe he would have realized that they taste just as bad as broccoli and the Smurf-bigoted Gargamel would have decided to take up a different hobby.
The thing is, I don’t like cauliflower, either.
Cauliflower is like the brother to broccoli. If there was some international “tastes like crap, looks like a small tree from The Smurfs” conference where vegetables with thick, untasty stalks got together to talk about how to raise their profile in the world — cauliflower would be there, too, representin’ the white coefficient of the bland-tasting vegetable public. Broccoli, of course, being the more mainstream not-so-great tasting vegetable would run the show, but that just has to do with tradition and stuff.
There are people who are on this South Beach Diet who will tell you that if you grind up and mash up cauliflower with some butter and stuff that it looks like and tastes like MASHED POTATOES.
Are you high?
I will never attend, join, or carry a laminated card that says I am a part of this insane club where people mash up a food that you never would have eaten in the first place just so that one can fool their brains into thinking they’re eating the thing that they really want to eat in the first place. This goes for Gardenburgers (which do not taste like burgers), anything involving chic peas, and especially this hybrid-mashed potato-esque cauliflower monstrosity.
And speaking of monstrosities — why must you park your car in front of my house?
There’s a perfectly good stretch of land right there in front of your own house — a curb that no one is parking in front of. Yet, you park in front of my curb area. Why do you do that? Do you like to look out of your window from your family room and see that there is no one parked in front of your house and that makes you happy because it is your land and your curb and you love it when it’s barren and open for all the world to see? I don’t know, but if you could stop parking by my curb that would be just wonderful.
You know, the neighbors across the street from me, when I parked in front of that curb — they left me a note on a dirty napkin that someone probably used to wipe faux-potato cauliflower from their face which said “Please Do Not Park Here.”
Mind you, I think it’s okay to park there because it is not the FRONT of their house but the side of their house. I just have issues with you parking in front of my house next to my curb when you have a perfectly good curb you could park in, in front of your house. But parking in front of someone’s side of their house is the equivalent of parking in an alley if you ask me so I think that note was a little a ridiculous of you to write up.
And what’s with writing a “don’t park here” note on a napkin?
You’d think someone would be making a ton of money right now with the idea of “DON’T PARK HERE NOTE PADS”? A whole package you could buy in the stores for like $4.99 that would include a really good marker (not an ink pen that goes in an out of consciousness) with some really good paper that’s thick and which holds ink (instead of dirty coffee napkins, old receipts with little writing space or tissues). Then maybe people would take your ranting notes more seriously if you left them on their cars.
Think about it — if you handed your resume to some company on a tissue or an old HOME DEPOT receipt, you wouldn’t get the job. So, think of it the same way when you’re being unreasonable by asking someone to not park next to a curb on the side of your house. Put some thought into it.
But that’s just the thing - no one puts any thought into anything anymore these days. That’s why gift cards have become the new gift.
I can’t stand gift cards anymore if simply for the fact that it’s an extra step someone is taking when they could just hand you some money. Just give me fifty bucks. Don’t go online, order a fancy cool-designed gift card, get it sent to me in the mail in some cool looking holder, and then force me to go to the store in person (because most places, including the Apple Store do not accept gift cards online) in order to get my gift. Although ancient peoples had to hunt and gather to survive, I refuse to hunt and gather WITH A GIFTCARD for my present.
Give me the cash.
Send me an envelope with cash in it. On the money you can write the note “here’s cash for you on your birthday.” Then I will put the cash into my pocket and the next time I see something I want I will spend that money and remember you gave it to me and call you up and thank you instead of writing you a thank you note which I got at the car wash.
All will be good.
Of course, when the day comes that it is your birthday (cough, MEME, cough), I will probably not remember that it is your big day because I refuse to coordinate any of those annoying e-mail services that announce to you that I AM GETTING MY BIRTHDAY LIST IN ORDER SO COULD YOU PLEASE SUBMIT ALL YOUR PERSONAL INFO INCLUDING YOUR SS# TO THIS WEBSITE.
But don’t get me talking about the fact that I can’t comprehend why people are able to remember an entire NINE DIGIT social security number that has no rhyme or reason or easy way to remember but they cannot remember anyone’s birthdays. Do not get me going on the fact that people need friends to help remember the last four digits of a phone number from information. I do not want to get into a discussion that concerns the fact that there is too much information being bombarded at our brains, that we only use 10% of our brains or that people still can’t quite figure out how to multiply a percentage against a restaurant bill to figure out what a good tip should be.
But don’t get me wrong — it’s not like I’m complaining or anything.
Mmmmm. I love brocolli and cauliflower. There’s definately an evil twin vibe going on between the two though. I’m not sure yet which is the evil one. Mashing up good vegetables is sacrilege. There’s nothing worse than carrots and parsnips creamed into a horrible pulp.
And chickpeas are a pretty good food if they’re not pretending to be something else.
I like that you have a smurfs category.
Comment by Pierce — September 21, 2005 @ 9:18 am
October 4. Birthday. Cash. Broccoli and No Parking signs will be refused at the door.
Comment by purpletwinkie — September 21, 2005 @ 9:24 am
Waitasecond here.
If my DaVinci Code-esque clever-skills are working well this morning I must assume that Purpletwinkie is saying that on October 4th there will be a birthday. Someone’s birthday. And if you go to this birthday event you will get cash.
What’s the address, PT?
Comment by Pauly D — September 21, 2005 @ 9:29 am
I’d love one of those don’t park here card pads (due to people actually feeling justified in parking in my DRIVEWAY), and I would like to create another pad for market release. The “do NOT leave your small children strapped into their car seats or animals in your car for an hour while you go into the mall on a day bordering supernova temps, or next time I won’t just smash your window in to get them some air…I’ll come looking for you” cards. There’s some real good insight to my personality…*wink*
K.
Comment by Kris — September 21, 2005 @ 9:33 am
I have a story:
At least FOUR TIMES in the last month I have been getting out of my car at a club, restaurant, et al and dropping my car off with the valet when I see someone ALSO dropping off their car and LEAVING THEIR DOG IN THE BACKSEAT.
I have asked, every time, why they are leaving their dog in the car, while it’s being valet parked and they always say things like, “Oh, he’s used to it.”
That’s insane, if you ask me.
Comment by Pauly D — September 21, 2005 @ 9:42 am
you know what i hate, diddy?
cucumbers. oh my god, i hate cucumbers.
Comment by heather — September 21, 2005 @ 9:58 am
I remember reading on a website (vague enough?) about someone who created stickers that said DO NOT PARK HERE AGAIN. But alas, I cannot remember the site.
Comment by Hilary — September 21, 2005 @ 10:06 am
I like broccoli, but have a big aversion to cauliflower. When I eat frozen dinners with “mixed vegetables” (including gross cauliflower) I pick out said offending vegetable. Strangely enough, my cat likes cauliflower, so I give it to him, thereby avoiding anyone telling me about how Americans shamelessly waste food, etc.
Comment by Amber — September 21, 2005 @ 10:19 am
Finally, someone else who shares my abject distaste for cauliflower & broccoli. We can form a club. No Broccoli, Cauliflower or Stupid Parkers Allowed.
Comment by Keith — September 21, 2005 @ 10:22 am
why not mow the grass and accidentally get grass all over the side of their car? the weedeater is really good for trajectory purposes…not that I know or anything….stop looking at me.
Comment by Kathleen — September 21, 2005 @ 10:26 am
I like broccoli and cauliflower too.
Comment by Kathleen — September 21, 2005 @ 10:27 am
That’s so true about remembering numbers and stuff. Pauly D, I know your social security number, but not your birthday! It’s such a bummer because I need to apply for that Capitol One card… so what’s your birthday?
Comment by monkeyinabox — September 21, 2005 @ 11:00 am
There is nothing wrong with broccoli. You just haven’t tried it with the right cheese. I park in front of your house because we can’t get the van backed into the driveway to move the antique armoir I just sold on eBay, so relax- I’ll move it in a minute, …jeez.
I’m sorry I forgot your birthday. You try memorizing dates with over 400 relatives and only 365 possible choices.
I’ll send you a card at Christmas like usual.
(you complain a lot
Comment by CtrlAltDelete — September 21, 2005 @ 11:01 am
PSA: Glarkware sells the “urban asshole notification card” for your car note posting pleasure.
I’m totally with you on the food disguised as other food boycott. Maybe we should have a rally/protest.
Comment by C Ro — September 21, 2005 @ 11:21 am
Gargamel scares me.
Comment by Em — September 21, 2005 @ 11:25 am
Pauly, thanks for the strippers…that was so thoughtful! I loved it when they did a pyramid formation in the middle of my office and spelled out Pauly D with their arms and legs…HOT!
Comment by meme — September 21, 2005 @ 11:46 am
gargamel! i haven’t heard that name in eons. what a flashback.
i like brocolli but i hate cauliflower. how can a person think mashed up cauliflower tastes like mashed potatoes. they must be high. seriously.
who uses dirty napkins to write notes? i mean, they are RIGHT in front of their house, they’ve got to have paper, no? that’s just rude on top of rudeness.
do you think you will resort to putting a note on their car when it is parked in front of your house? maybe use toilet paper to get your point across?
Comment by ms. sizzle — September 21, 2005 @ 12:06 pm
USED toilet paper!
Comment by Hope — September 21, 2005 @ 12:21 pm
wow pauly, lots to say today!
i agree on the parking thing. i live in a cottage in the back of a house full of college students. we have limited parking and, well none of them know how to park their f**cking cars. and all their friends park in the driveway and so i have to go over and ask them to move their cars and half the time they are stoned. ugh.
i love broccoli!
i have’t heard gargamel in a long time either! memories…heh, smurfette.
Comment by jenny — September 21, 2005 @ 12:39 pm
Have you ever wondered what a smurf tastes like? I figured it must be good….what with all of the chasing and plans to snack on them. Maybe smurfs smothered with velveeta……. That sounds pretty smurfalicious!
I think that broccoli is the “smart one” and cauliflower is the “moron. I don’t know. It just fits…….
Comment by Cutiepie2 — September 21, 2005 @ 1:04 pm
You could always buy one of spoof parking tickets and check the sentiment “Parking Like a Jack-A$$” and kindly return their favor.
Also, both broccoli and cauliflower suck. You can safely add brussel sprouts to that list as well.
Comment by Beth — September 21, 2005 @ 1:23 pm
People who pronounce the word issue and tissue wrong, bug me. It is pronounce with an ish sound not an iss sound. Get it right! And if you tell me that it is perfectly fine to pronounce it that way according to some dictionary, I will ask you to show me and then I will take that dictionary and…
Comment by Dave — September 21, 2005 @ 1:52 pm
Cauliflower is the sister of broccoli
Comment by green LA girl — September 21, 2005 @ 2:48 pm
Well, if cauliflower is the sister of broccoli, we have found YET ANOTHER situation where someone’s sister is not going to get asked out to the date (i.e. dinner table) once again.
Comment by Pauly D — September 21, 2005 @ 2:54 pm
Hey, be nice to the gardenburger!
Comment by Mercury — September 21, 2005 @ 3:11 pm
You know what’s really effective for deterring parking violators?
Bright. Red. Lipstick.
I know. I’ve tried it. It took our intern hours to wash it off his driver’s side window.
Comment by Sara J. — September 21, 2005 @ 4:11 pm
Okay Pauly 1. Broccoli was genetically engineered by the Broccoli family from Cauliflower; which they also grew. The scion of the Broccoli family, Cubby, went on to produce the James Bond movies.
2. Did you know that Meme has a complete collection of Smurfs? She wanted a velvet Smurf painting when she was 10 - shoulda got it. Can you imagine what she could get for that on eBay today?
3. Your mum obviously didn’t use psychology on you. I told my kidlettes that the Broccoli were minature trees and that only adults could have them. That got them to eat the broccoli instead of sticking it in the hidden spot under the table.
Comment by anon — September 21, 2005 @ 4:31 pm
The way you feel about broccoli is the same way I feel about oysters. Can’t get them to my mouth, let alone swallow them. Yech!
Comment by Amy — September 21, 2005 @ 4:57 pm
I just had steamed chicken and broccoli with spicy general tso’s sauce… It was pretty good. The spiciness brought it to another level.
I’m with Amy on the Oyster thing. I like mussels, but clams and oysters, or anything with bellies, are not on my hit list.
And I will be expecting the Pauly D Strippers for my birthday too next month…
Comment by danielle — September 21, 2005 @ 6:19 pm
Strippers? You ain’t getting no stinkin’ strippers.
Comment by Pauly D — September 21, 2005 @ 7:04 pm
do you need some chocolate and a midol sweetie? *w*
Comment by anonymous city girl — September 21, 2005 @ 10:12 pm
broccoli –> smurfs –> parking –> cards –> numbers
You certainly ran the gamut today.
There is no way you could ever make me eat asparagus!
Comment by nic — September 22, 2005 @ 5:11 am
“I will spend that money and remember you gave it to me and call you up and thank you instead of writing you a thank you note which I got at the car wash.”
This is like an easter egg!
I feel rewarded, because I understand. You are a kind and benevolent man.
Comment by Helena — September 22, 2005 @ 8:29 pm
Haha, it’s TOTALLY an Easter Egg!
True, Helena, True.
Comment by Pauly D — September 22, 2005 @ 8:49 pm
Broccoli and cauliflower are evil. My childhood was full of parental attempts to shove those pathetic excuses for edible objects down my throat, despite my protests that they made me want to puke. I tried smuggling them away from the dinner table in my pockets, stuffed down my socks, and tucked into the waistband of my pants, but the parental units caught on. I even tried installing the “Broccoli Box”, which I secretly affixed to the underside of the table to slip disgusting bits of food into — but my inability to stop laughing made its secrecy seriously short-lived.
To this day, I will do whatever I can to avoid touching those vegetables.
Comment by Sara White — September 23, 2005 @ 8:42 pm