If I Had an English Accent
September 6th, 2005
If I had an English accent, well, you couldn’t resist me.
I would be intelligent and cultured and thoughtful and have the greatest manners and be trustworthy and honest and debonaire and have quite a witty sense of humor that combined my knowledge of history with my knowledge of teas and classic 16th century literature. I would stand up straight and I would eat with the right fork and I would have American women swooning at the simple mention of the words “cheers”, “bullocks” and “right-o”.
I could be the biggest, most annoying, idiotic man in the world, but because of my English accent — well, you would embrace me with all your heart.
As just a normal American guy, there are just some things I can’t pull off. If I were to walk into a bar, spot a girl on the other side of the room, approach her and say, “You are quite fetching, so much so that I could just eat you up!” you would throw a drink in my face. But with an English accent? You would want to have my children. As just a normal American guy, if I were to offer to walk you across the street you would sack me in the face with your designer Kate Spade — but with an English accent? You would accept and then call all your friends to tell them the story about the debonaire English chap who proved to you that chivalry was indeed, not dead.
I have tried to fake the accent in the past.
At a particuarly loud party, I informed a particular woman that I was from England — we talked for what seemed like hours about driving on the wrong side of the road, bangers and mash, the loo, the queue at the loo, the tube, driving on the wrong side of the road, the Queen (god save her) and six pence (although I don’t know why). She wondered if I had ever met the Rolling Stones (which I had) and the Beatles (which I had seen but never met) and if I ever saw Monty Python (which I had, on TV). She queried me about Scotland (”really green”) and Germany (”very German”) and driving on the wrong side of the road (”just crazy!”) and how I felt about Sir Elton John (”gay but happy”). We talked and talked and talked and she was so excited that she had met an English guy HERE IN LOS ANGELES. I mean, what are the chances (”many, apparently”).
That was, until she heard me talking to a friend a few minutes later (”dude, can you believe she believed I was from England”) and I realized the jig was up.
Still, when solicitors call, I throw on my proper attitude and cultured face and talk talk talk talk talk in my really bad English accent. And you know what? Yeah, no one believes me.
Still - if I had an English accent for real, that was good and legitimate… Life would be so much easier. I would be treated with the respect that which the British Monarchy gets on a daily basis. And sure, I might be treated like a figurehead — but I would be looked up to as the most cultured chap on the face of the Earth.
Of that, dear readers, I am bloody sure.
This story cracked me up, but I am racked with curiousity. What did she say when she realized that it was all just a cunning ploy?
Comment by Daniel — September 6, 2005 @ 9:32 am
So long as it’s a full English accent, not a weird one like that blond model girl on The Surreal Life. Not that I um, watch trash TV like that or anything. Ya know.
Comment by Hilary — September 6, 2005 @ 9:35 am
She left, I think. It was the last I ever saw of her.
Because I wasn’t English. Had I been, I would have ended up dating her for 16 months.
Comment by Pauly D — September 6, 2005 @ 9:35 am
Hey Pauly, how long have you been walking around thinking you’re a normal American guy?
Comment by Meg — September 6, 2005 @ 10:09 am
I never have understand why English = cultured. There’s non-cultured Brits just like there’s cultured ones. What IS it about that accent that makes us think Ah Ha!, now HERE’S an upstanding, gentlemanly fellow? WHAT? Because bangers and mash…that’s not so cultured, really, ya know? It’s really more like something played with on a toddler’s plate than a high society meal…
Did you and the woman talk about the lack of ice in the water there, too? I hated that. Still water sans ice! Need ice! I’m a spoiled American woman…give me ice!
Comment by Em — September 6, 2005 @ 10:20 am
Tragically, you speak the truth.
I had a guy “fake British me up” at a party years ago, and even though I was on to him, I let him continue, because it sounded so bloody lovely and jolly good. I didn’t date him though, the psycho liar.
I think it’s so hilarious when someone develops a foreign accent after being in the country for about 10 minutes, but they can’t quite get it right, like Madonna.
Comment by Eve — September 6, 2005 @ 10:22 am
I, too, am a sucker for an accent.
I dated a cockroach for 2 years once, just because he was an Irish cockroach.
Comment by C Ro — September 6, 2005 @ 12:25 pm
quite funny, mate! i did that once, but spoke French and this guy was ALL over me and then i told him i was American and he told me he had to use the bathroom. never saw him again. haha.
Comment by jenny — September 6, 2005 @ 12:33 pm
i can concur, diddy — i get away with a whole lot more with my accent here, than i would if i had a normal, soCal accent, i would imagine.
but the whole *gasp* ohmygod! where are you from? really? what part? sydney? no? i don’t know where that is! do you know [insert very generic name here]? no? he went to school with my sister’s boyfriend’s uncle’s neighbour… got old after the first seventeen times i heard it.
those are the breaks, my friend. that, and having to repeat yourself constantly, because there are some people that don’t have a filter for accents.
Comment by heather — September 6, 2005 @ 12:43 pm
OH man, this fake English accent idea is brilliant. There should be a day dedicated to this. Of course, that would create some problems with so many debonair Englishman around and about.
Comment by Glen C. — September 6, 2005 @ 12:49 pm
maybe you could translate something for me, what the hell does ‘randy’ mean? should i be worried when a guy mentions something about ‘getting randy’?
Comment by meme — September 6, 2005 @ 12:51 pm
What I want to know from the English people is this: do they go around pretending to have an American accent and hooking up with the opposite sex because of it?
I highly highly doubt it.
Comment by Pauly D — September 6, 2005 @ 12:51 pm
As long as you still had nice teeth.
Comment by danielle — September 6, 2005 @ 1:07 pm
Ironically, an American accent in England is rather equivalent to an English accent in America. Perhaps you should move?
Comment by francey — September 6, 2005 @ 2:02 pm
I couldn’t agree more, chap. Really, I have thought about this issue before, but I have found that “faking a British accent” is not one of my talents. I do, however, do a pretty good imitation of Christopher Walken. That must count for something.
Comment by Will — September 6, 2005 @ 2:21 pm
What? You mean you don’t have an English accent? And all this time, I’ve been sitting here charmed , imagining you writing this with your British accent (and not fake one either like Madonna’s).
j/k. You are charming anyway. G*d was fair — just imagine how devastating youo’d be with a British accent (or an Aussie accent or Scottish burrrrr).
Comment by C(h)ristine — September 6, 2005 @ 2:42 pm
lmao, I think I need to take a trip to america. I’m curious as to what english accent it is that you refer to because there are loads; cockney, liverpudlian, geordie, etc. You are probably refering to the ‘toff’ accent (for want of a better word) or upper middle class which is reserved for the guys out in the british countryside and hotshot london artdealers who I am always sure put it on.
Now does an irish-englishman with a softly sofisticated and intelligent accent do anything for the american girls out there? I live in hope.
Comment by Oscar Duignan — September 6, 2005 @ 2:45 pm
I absolutely love the Scottish accent. You Irish boys are hot too, but it’s really hard to understand ya’ll sometimes. And for the British ones, it’s hard to understand you guys too…. but honestly, I don’t care what any of you are saying. you’re all hot
Comment by Kathleen — September 6, 2005 @ 3:23 pm
One thing - British accent or not, I would never use my Kate Spade to hit you, not even my fake one. But I will confess that if Colin Firth rang my doorbell, I’d let him ring my bell right there, just don’t tell my husband.
Comment by nancy — September 6, 2005 @ 3:32 pm
Madonna’s British accent is much worse than yours, Pauly.
Comment by Amy — September 6, 2005 @ 4:27 pm
The fake British accent might impress the PBS — BBC/America types, but to get the hot babes who watch PAX-TV and the Home Shopping Network, I always use my fake hillbilly-who-went-to-college accent.
Comment by Neil — September 6, 2005 @ 4:31 pm
don’t forgete the fake british accent impressing Lipton at “The Actor’s Studio!”
Comment by C(h)ristine — September 6, 2005 @ 7:30 pm
I’ve always had a secret fantasy of being called “saucy” by a fella with an English accent. Like “Ohh, you’re a saucy one aren’t you.”
Comment by bella — September 6, 2005 @ 10:20 pm
I’ve always had this secret fantasy of being called “saucy” by a fella with an English accent. Kinda like “Ohh, you’re a saucy one aren’t you?”
Comment by bella — September 6, 2005 @ 10:30 pm
well paul being a Canadian living in Britian I get the opposite. I get asked ‘ Come on you are putting the accent on aren’t you ?? ‘ tell me how you ‘ put on a Canadian accent as well as my accent sounds ??? not possible i don’t think. Em’s comment is bang on English =culture is wrong a myth beleive me. There is a limited amount of culture over here and the people that do have it all live in a very small area of London known as Chelsea and you can’t get in that area unless you are worth a couple million or more ! But just as HEather said i do get the ‘ oh my god from Canada where ??? why are you here ?!? and do you know so and so my uncles brothers sisters boyfriends daughter twice removed ?? ‘
p.s it is spelt bollocks and anyone who says it other then the English including msyelf somehow manages to turn it into 2 completely seperate words — Boll ocks
bloody brilliant as they say over here love the blog
Comment by louisa — September 7, 2005 @ 5:08 am
I think you could get them into bed easy enough, but it’s the pillow talk that frightens me. I have never been with an Englishman, so perhaps I am incorrect in the ridiculous assumption that he would say things that would make me laugh.
Example: (me stripping) He: “Oh, jolly good!”
(sex begins) He: “Tally ho!”
(moment of orgasm) He: “All righty then! Very good!”
Me, leaving, with bite marks on my tongue from trying not to laugh.
You see where I’m going with this, right?
Comment by introspectre — September 7, 2005 @ 6:46 am
Oh Paul — you’re irresistable and debonair even using just your regular voice. I mean, I’m making an assumption here, seeing as I’ve never actually HEARD your regular voice. But sure. We’re going to go with irresistable and debonair.
Comment by Amber — September 7, 2005 @ 11:55 am
Bollocks!
Comment by oneafrikan — September 8, 2005 @ 3:46 am
i’m English and its “bollocks” not “bullocks” :p And to someone who asked, ‘randy’ means horny.
i dont know why you all think English men say “righty ho” and “jolly good old chap” we may have spoken like that about 100 years ago… but not anymore. in fact we’ve become americanised - my friends even call trousers pants now. (pants being underwear here normally)
Comment by sarah — September 8, 2005 @ 7:22 am
Trousers! Adorable.
PD, who can resist you NOW? Any further advantage and it would be plain unfair to the other boys.
Comment by Helena — September 9, 2005 @ 12:00 am
I have a friend that lives in England and I have tried explaining to him that the English accent is totally hot. He thinks Im completely nuts. I dont know why or what it is about it but I would fall for it hook line and sinker 10 times out of 10. Bravo for writting this article so that I may refer him to it and prove my point!!
Comment by Rachelle — October 7, 2005 @ 11:24 am
When in the US I found that a normal trip to the shop would turn into a linguistic event. “Oh wow, you are from England, say Wauuter, say jolly good show, say daaaarling” (the fact I was born in Wales of Irish parentage and grew up in England is too difficult to explain when buying a pint of milk). It is true that American and Canadian accents have a similar effect over here… Most of the time I would say most of us in the UK speak pretty standard English but I have to admit to beefing up the old “Hugh Grant / Bridget Jones style” accent for the benefit of our transatlantic cousins. That said after long exposure to standard US English I find it does alter mine. With my Irish heritage its not long before my R’s start to roll.
Comment by Jonathan Fox — November 8, 2005 @ 6:04 am
The irony is that if you meet a Brit abroad these days, he’s more likely to be a beer-bellied shaven-headed lout who’s barely able to speak. That said, I myself am one of those traditional well-mannered debonair Brits who pronounces ‘pound’ as ‘pind’, says ‘cheers’ and ‘I’m terribly sorry’ and holds doors open for ladies. I can recite Shakespeare and Lewis Carroll and always carry an umbrella with me. Of course, as a non-American, I also smoke.
Comment by Roger — December 1, 2005 @ 12:26 pm
You Yanks are such tossers.
Comment by Stephen — December 6, 2005 @ 11:45 am
Stephen - That’s exactly what I’m talking about!! Can you provide even more UK-centric phrases for me to use other than “yanks” and “tossers”?
Comment by Pauly D — December 6, 2005 @ 11:46 am
Hi, I’m english and have to say that we are not all Hugh Grant soundalikes….neither are we all football hooligans! However, based on my last trips to the states, the english accent does go down fairly well. Actually thats an understatement, some girls just can’t leave you alone once they hear it! They want to hear you say every word that they can think of! Trouble is….this is a bit annoying (unless they are really cure and then anything goes!) I’m off to NY for NYE, hopefully the accent will pay off, I’m looking forward to it!
Comment by jack — December 27, 2005 @ 3:40 pm
I am English and i have a standard middle-class English accent. I know the English accent really works for men out in America, but does it work for women too??… are American men just as excited about the English accent as American women? If i said bollocks//bloody hell i really cant see that acting in my favour unless i was a bloke… :oS
Comment by Rosie — January 1, 2006 @ 10:19 am
These days I feel embarrased to be British with all the drink culture and football hooligans. Some of us are proud to be well spoken and reserved, as we should be (or indeed anyone). I wonder if it’s really true that a large number of American ladies are attracted to our snobby accents?…. well if so I really want to go to the US
I think my R.P accent will emerge somewhat more than normal if I did.
Comment by Will — January 22, 2006 @ 4:18 pm
I am an english guy and no life isn’t easier for us not in the uk as we all talk the same Lol well most >.> anyway maybe if i was in america but i’m not so yeah xD
Comment by Mike — May 4, 2006 @ 7:40 pm
Mike - That is such a lie. I know that you Brits with your awesome, sexy English Accents are living the life over there and the only reason you leave comments like this is because you guys are deathly afraid that more people will come over there, learn the accent, and then take away your women.
I see right through you, ‘ol chap.
Comment by Pauly D — May 5, 2006 @ 8:10 am
I’m English, is it true you don’t understand our comedy? i’m going to Florida to see my cousin in about a week, any tips for getting the ladies? lol, got to say most ladies are nothing on ours, if you take out all the Vicki Pollard chav’s and the like that is lol
Comment by Tom — June 18, 2006 @ 5:21 pm
Im english living in Canada, and its brilliant.
Get 10 times more birds than back home.
COME ON!!!
Comment by danny — July 21, 2006 @ 12:46 pm
I moved to the US from Ireland and it’s beyond tiring dealing with clueless Yanks who look at me in wonder because I’m mixed race from Dublin with an Irish accent (which is often confused with with a Brit accent). I don’t even bother any more explaining that not all Irish people have red hair, there are many nationalities in Ireland, you get the picture.
For the record I doubt any American could ever pull of a Brit, Irish or Scot accent. You don’t know the culture, the slang and have no clue about regional dialects. It may work on the girls who are as clueless as yourself but I doubt it fools anyone else.
Maybe if you carried on a normal conversation and were just yourself , you wouldn’t have to take on a new identity for attention.
Comment by cat — July 22, 2006 @ 10:42 pm
Hello everyone!
I get so annoyed that anybody displaying an English accent is a ‘Brit’. The very fact that you do sometimes differentiate between a scottish, welsh, or irish accent shows that the English simply are not British.
I detest the lager lout, football obsessed, beer on the street, baseball cap idiot who fortunately, is not English (unless the World Cup is on). If you ask him, he you can bet your life he will jolly well say he is British.
All hail English Nationalism!
Comment by Edward Turner — August 16, 2006 @ 4:01 pm
An English accent is like an instant aphrodisiac for me, it’s an uncontrollable reaction. I had an English boyfriend once, but he turned out to be psychotic. I thought he was just looking for someone to marry him in order to get a green card, but he kept coming after me even once he found a lady who married him. Our courtship was very fun to start with, he was quite witty and charming. I’m hoping that I’ll find another single Englishman in the city where I live, but so far no luck. American men just can’t compare!
Comment by Rose — August 20, 2006 @ 5:52 pm
*posh english accent* why yes us english chaps have a way with the american ladys, it serves us well! whato!
i say! this story is the dogs bolluks!
its great being an english guy!
lol
….i wish the english ladies were like the american girls!
Comment by Joshua — August 22, 2006 @ 6:07 pm
I think it’s wonderful to see appreciation for what I am in return, because personally appreciate and adore all cultures and enjoy socialising with the people in them, one can learn a lot from one’s own people and others. Thanks for the attention American darlings I adore you all back.
Comment by Will — August 23, 2006 @ 6:58 pm
I just found this blog… To Oscar Duidnan who wrote in in 9/6/05: An Irish-Englishman with a softly sofisticated and intelligent accent sounds like a dream come true!!
Comment by diana louise — October 21, 2006 @ 10:00 am
# Gravatar
Tragically, you speak the truth.
I had a guy “fake British me up” at a party years ago, and even though I was on to him, I let him continue, because it sounded so bloody lovely and jolly good. I didn’t date him though, the psycho liar.
I think it’s so hilarious when someone develops a foreign accent after being in the country for about 10 minutes, but they can’t quite get it right, like Madonna.
Comment by Eve — September 6, 2005 @ 10:22 am
actually eve, accents don’t take long to set in. i’m english but have lived in wales 3 years and already have a welsh twang to my voice. Madonna has lived in the UK since mid-late 2002. Thats 3 years and a bit. However I do think it’s a bit put on
Comment by Mike — October 29, 2006 @ 9:07 am
Mike is correct. Everyone is so used to the English accent over here that it just doesn’t work. In America however you get so much attention I would never have believed it had I not experienced it firsthand. I am definately heading back to America for holiday this year. But I’m afraid that I am in the minority, the English gentleman is on the wane. He has been replaced with two kinds of Englishman.
1. The lager lout - A middle aged football fan who can usually be found sitting in a pub. When England get knocked out the world cup on penalties he will try to beat you up.
2. The Yob - Basically he is a child (12 upwards mostly) who with his gang will try to mug you. They also like to stab you if you confront them.
I love football and I’m 19 but I fall into neither catagory because I was brought up the right way.
Comment by James — November 3, 2006 @ 8:25 am
Love this post. As mentioned before American accents work really well over here, it would be easy for an American male or female to court practically anybody here. Strangely I also love soft RP, and I’m English. However this accent is on the decline
Tally ho!
Comment by ol' chap — April 21, 2007 @ 2:33 pm
I just moved over to London with my flat, Canadian accent and I feel like a complete tool. Everyone sounds so smart. Well, okay, not those from the East End, but everybody else sounds really smart.
And unfortunately, I have not found that a Canadian accent works in London like an English accent would work in Toronto with the women. Despite my best pick up line - “hey, you look good, eh? What do you say we go back to my hOWse and talk abOWt stuff?” - I am sadly going to bed alone at night.
Comment by Greg — June 26, 2008 @ 1:27 am
I’m English living in the US and the accent definitely provides a way to get a conversation started. When I tell you I’m from Birmingham I think the Brits will giggle, as we’re not know for having the most attractive accent.
But I have to say a gorgeous soft southern US accent (my girlfriend is from Tennessee), really works for me.
Interestingly both accents have certain stereotypes associated with them, which become irrelevant if you’re raised in a different culture.
Comment by iain — July 2, 2008 @ 11:18 am
Im English, and went to New York a couple of years ago on holiday with my brother and parents, and the Americans couldnt do enough for us ! We got lots of things for half price or completley free if we went into shops, was allowed to skip a very long line to go up the Empire State building and whenever i went for a little walk on my own in our 5 star hotel, everyone who worked there knew my name and always started a conversation with me ! It got to the point that our mum and dad told us not to speak if we went out for a stoll becuase we kept getting stopped every 2 minutes because of our accent….
so yeah, Americans do love the English accent lol
Comment by B. Jackson — July 24, 2008 @ 4:34 am