Words for My Enjoyment

Today’s Imaginary Conversation With Kanye West’s Monologue Coach

September 5th, 2005

CNN? P-shaw! MSNBC? Whatever.

WFME gets the exclusives, baby!

Little do people know, but Kanye West’s recent “off the cuff” speech on last Friday’s NBC Fundraiser Event for the New Orleans Disaster Relief was carefully practiced and rehearsed. WFME got a chance to speak with Kanye West’s actual monologue coach, Abraham Foster.

WFME: “So, Friday night.”

AF: “Heh, yeah.”

WFME: “There’s been a lot of press over the last few days not about Kanye’s new album, but how he went off teleprompter on the NBC fundraising special — how he rambled on with his passionate thoughts about what was really going on down in New Orleans…”

AF: “Rambled? There’s no rambling involved. In training Kanye, we address his monologues as seriously as he addresses his music. There’s a rhyme and a reason without a rhyme or a reason. That’s the key — I am well known for training people to give monologues that feel off the cuff.”

WFME: “Unprepared, you mean.”

AF: “Did you feel that Kanye’s monologue came off as unprepared or raw?”

WFME: “Yes.”

AF: “Well, there you go! Another successful monologue.”

WFME: “What exactly did you say to Kanye before he went on that night? Did you speak to him?”

AF: “I was there. And what I said to him is what I say to each of my monologue clients — forget everything you want to say. Think about errands you have to do tomorrow. Get your brain as scattered as you can. You need to sound passionate, confused and emotional all at once. I even suggested him utilizing the Foster Technique.”

WFME: “The Foster Technique?”

AF: “That’s where I stick a small safety pin right into the skin above his abdomen. Boy, does it smart! And you tape it down, leaving it there. The pain, throughout giving his monologue, adds a bit of distraction, compounding the sense of confusion, and if he’s really lucky — gives the audience a sense that he’s just talking randomly about whatever comes into his head. Stuttering and any kind of bad grammar is also the desired result.”

WFME: “Wow.”

AF: “Eh? Huh? See what I mean. Monologuing isn’t easy. It’s an art form. The more unprepared you sound, the more authentic it appears.”

WFME: “So, what’s next for you? More work with Kanye?”

AF: “This afternoon I’ll be back coaching President Bush. He has a few speeches about New Orleans coming up, and the goal is for him to sound emotionally confused. We’re working on that by hitting him in the head with a thirty-pound dumbell right before the speech. After that, I’ve got an appointment with Condoleeza Rice and after that a practice session with Courtney Love. All in all, a very busy Labor Day.”

WFME: “Well, thanks for your time — and good luck Mr. Foster!”

AF: “I ate an apple and love my iron.”

WFME: “Excuse me?”

AF: [laughs] “Just giving you a taste of my expertise. Were you confused? Did I sound like I had no idea where I was, who I was, and what I was talking about?”

WFME: “Yes.”

AF: “Exactly.”

[WFME thanks Abraham Foster for his time today.]

Posted under Celebrities, Imaginary Conversation, Kanye West. |