I Could Be Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man
September 3rd, 2005
There is a difference between Spiderman and Spider-Man, FYI.
There’s the web crawling superhero who lives in New York City and thwarts evil at every turn and there’s ME — the guy who can advise you in absolutely every spider-infestation situation of the exact, most successful, least scary way of dispatching them without ever, whatsoever, getting your hands dirty.
I’m good like that.
Let’s face it — next to slugs the size of a peanut that have no eyes (I’ve seen ‘em, trust me), spiders have got to be the most-horrible insect on the face of the Earth. Move past the fact that they “are a necessary part of the eco-sphere” and “without them we’d have a horrible infestation of OTHER insects” and concentrate on the issues that make spiders the most feared insect in my house.
Issue #1: They’re there, somewhere on the ceiling one minute… Then you look down to scratch your leg and when you look back up again, they’re gone.
This is what makes spiders horrific. You know that when you’ve got a bug buzzing around your head, common knowledge confirms that it will continue to buzz around your head until you either kill it or leave the room. Even then, they’ll follow you. Same goes for ants — their lines always stay intact. But spiders? Get them when you see them or you will never see them again. Same goes for their webs — you may walk out one morning and find an elaborate, huge web right near your front door — and give them 35 seconds and they will have picked up their entire lives (including any caught insects) and be gone faster than you can say “witness relocation program”.
Issue #2: Water does not drown them.
This is a fitting issue to address mere hours after a previous post regarding adults who cannot swim. You can try to drown a spider but they have this amazing ability to curl up into what appears to be a “death ball” but what, in reality, is simply a defense mechanism that allows them to wait out the storm or the flood or the cup of soda. They will wait and wait, and when everything has dried up they will stretch their legs and return to the business at hand, which most likely includes but is not limited to biting your legs and munching on a variety of insectual delights.
Issue #3: They are inherently evil.
This has been confirmed by many sources, which I unfortunately do not have active links to. The reality, of course, is that spiders are the most evil creatures on the face of the Earth due to one very obvious factor. They have eight legs. Show me a creature that has eight legs that isn’t evil and I’ll be happy to amend this one.
That brings me, of course, to why I am your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.
Like Barry Manilow “writes the songs that make the whole world sing” I am the everyday local neighborhood resident who “knows the way to get rid of your spider infestation”. But when I say infestation, I do not really mean an infestation of 3 or more spiders. If you have 3 or more spiders, I am not the man to call. Because 3 or more spiders, in my mind, is Armageddon. 3 or less, okay — call me.
If you are standing over your bathtub and a spider sits there waiting… If you are lying in your bed and you can see one casually hanging on the ceiling above… If you are watching TV and there is one on the wall or you have walked through a webbed area that has now caused a spider to land on your shoulder — I could be your Spider-Man. I could give you the advice to get you through.
What advice, you must wonder, is that?
This advice, although in the past has cost others to access (I had a very successful Spider-Man pyramid scheme going on for a good six months), is now free to all WFME readers. And I ask you to please not reveal it through your e-mail lists and newsgroup postings (this happened to Mrs. Fields a long time ago with her secret cookie recipe and everything went downhill from there). It is a one word solution that I am happy to share — that will finally once and for all end your woes of spider-dom.
It is called a vacuum.
It is called a Black & Decker Mini-Vac. Something that you can hold up to any spider, in any location, and quickly suck them up without any fear, any touching and any potential web-spread. It will capture them, secure them, and remove them from your living area without consequence.
That’s it! Are you stoked?
The only problem, of course, is removing them someday from the Mini-Vac. That’s not something I’m experienced with, as I currently have 45+ spiders living in my Mini-Vac — it is like a maximum security prison for spiders who have illegally entered my domain. I’m not quite sure how I will someday deal with the issue of Mini-Vac overcrowding — but I suspect that’s when I’ll consult my friendly neighborhood Vacuum De-Spiderer, whom I’m sure will assist me out of the goodness of his or her heart.
Until then — I am your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.
(Remember, 3 or less.)
So you CAN’T catch thieves just like flies? Oh, alright. I suppose this “vaccuum” advice is just as good. Chalk up another post under the “helpful” category, Pauly! And thanks.
Comment by Will — September 3, 2005 @ 12:44 pm
You are welcome. I hope this solves your “recent problems” with the eight-legged freaks.
Comment by Pauly D — September 3, 2005 @ 12:47 pm
Oh, man, you are in for a world of hurt.
I bet those spiders are in your vacuum right now, all 45 of them, STILL ALIVE, plus the new generation of pissed off spiders that they have spawned, all plotting revenge on your ass. Get ready for Archnaphobia.
Godspeed, my friend.
Comment by Eve — September 3, 2005 @ 1:20 pm
OH my word. While at camp, I saw the biggest spider I have ever seen. It was easily the size of a silver dollar and had a huge abdomen with a grey body and black eyes. It was the scariest thing I have ever seen. It had a huge web set up right next to the door and light so it just keeps on growing because all the stupid flies love the light.
I would suggest throwing out the old vacuum in a dumpster at least 10 miles from your house and getting a new vacuum (or possibly house).
Comment by Glen C. — September 3, 2005 @ 1:38 pm
Stop it guys, you’re scaring me.
That mini Black & Decker vacuum is totally, fully secure. And plastic. Hmm. Plastic…
Comment by Pauly D — September 3, 2005 @ 1:41 pm
I love spiders yet I hate them. I think they’re so neat, yet if one touched me I’d scream like a little girl. i think the vacuum idea is a good one, unless they don’t actually die in the process and are creating little spider armies within your vacuum. watch you back!!
Comment by Dawn (webmiztris) — September 3, 2005 @ 2:00 pm
Again, referring to the “spider army” in my mini-vac is NOT going to help me sleep at night, tonight.
Comment by Pauly D — September 3, 2005 @ 2:04 pm
The shed in my backyard is Spider Central. I swear, there are spiders in there the size of a dinner plate. And occasionally they like to make their way into the shower, so that I can almost step on them when I stumble into there, half-asleep, at some insanely early hour (and obviously the accompanying hair-raising scream wakes up everyone else in the house).
BTW: They can escape from the vacuum. I tried that, it totally doesn’t work (or maybe I just need a more secure vacuum). I prefer to blast them with a can of compressed air, which freezes them. Then I scoop them up and flush them down the toilet. Highly effective.
Comment by Sara White — September 3, 2005 @ 2:52 pm
Hey, can you take care of snakes with that MiniVac thing? I’ve got no issues with taking care of spiders myself, but snakes is another story.
Not that I have any that need any taking care of at the moment, I’m just making sure I have all my options covered, y’know.
Comment by Keith — September 3, 2005 @ 3:06 pm
Am I weird because not only can I swim, but I’m also not afraid of spiders? I mean, I would be scared if I had an infestation of more than 3, because, well, ew, but otherwise — fine with spiders. However, I’m with Keith in the snakes department. I’m not so much in the “screaming like a little girl” department, but snakes can push me to that edge.
Anyway, Pauly, if you need me to, I will be your friendly neighborhood vacuum de-spiderer. Just in case.
Comment by Amber — September 3, 2005 @ 4:13 pm
oh my god sara, you clearly need to move to another state. country, even. and amber, yes, i think you are weird.
paul. BURN THE MINI VAC. i’m not toying with you. do it WHILE YOU STILL HAVE ARMS to light a match with.
Comment by kristine — September 3, 2005 @ 4:59 pm
Oh man. Are you telling me you never saw that flimsy little guard on the front of the mini-vac? Run! Get the hairspray and lighter. Fire is your only defense. That or moving.
Seriously.
Comment by C Ro — September 3, 2005 @ 7:01 pm
I guess this means I can stop glutteoning a half a roll of paper towels on each spider. Thanks, Pauly D!
Comment by Helena — September 3, 2005 @ 7:45 pm
“Insectual delights”.
That sounds dirty. Pervy, pervy spiders.
Comment by Tina — September 4, 2005 @ 12:52 am
Ah, we have the same problem. I can empty your mini-vac for you, I don’t mind spiders. Will you take care of the grasshopper (and other assorted insects I’ve caught since) in the big hoover (I’m starting to fear some mutant spawning)?
Comment by Anne — September 4, 2005 @ 2:30 am
It’s plausible that you aren’t suffering from a recurring spider infestation, but you simply have 45 spiders in residence. One escapes the mini-vac, you suck it up. Three escape the mini-vac, you re-suck them. A neverending cycle for sure.
Comment by purpletwinkie — September 4, 2005 @ 8:07 am
Spiders…YECH!
Comment by Amy — September 4, 2005 @ 9:37 am
What really works is the Lysol paralysis followed by Kleenex crunching. Lysol (not some other imitator) sprayed directly on the spider apparently paralyzes them temporarily. If you look down and scratch your leg, they’ll still be there, stuck in the Lysol on the wall, floor, or countertop. Grab a Kleenex, apply pressure, and dispose of in the trash. Spider problem cured.
Comment by Andrea — September 4, 2005 @ 4:05 pm
Right on, Andrea!! Lysol ROCKS!
Spiders, ants, wasps, bees, hornets, FLYING ROACHES!!!…. they have all come up against my can of Lysol to meet their demise while I kill 99.9% of the germs in home in 30 seconds or less.
Comment by lu — September 4, 2005 @ 5:21 pm
“Show me a creature that has eight legs that isn’t evil and I’ll be happy to amend this one.”
Is an octopus considred evil?
Remind me to not borrow your vacuum.
Comment by nancy — September 5, 2005 @ 6:42 am
Did you ever see 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, Nancy?
That was ONE EVIL OCTOPUS.
Comment by Pauly D — September 5, 2005 @ 8:39 am
It was a Squid, wasn’t it? And squid have 10 legs.
Comment by Pierce — September 5, 2005 @ 9:29 am
Semantics, Pierce. Semantics.
Comment by Pauly D — September 5, 2005 @ 9:34 am
By far one of your funniest posts.
Comment by Hope — September 6, 2005 @ 12:29 pm
I recommend storing the vaccum outside at night. You know, just in case.
Spiders are one of the great reasons to be a girl. I can squeal and yell, “Spider! Eww!” and make someone else get it for me and not get totally ripped on in the process. Is the horror of menstrual cramps worth this? You bet your sweet ass it is.
And let’s face it, there is no creepier music inspired than that “spider music” you hear in the movies and nature shows. That kind of music jangles in your brain and makes all the neurons fire incorrectly until it stops or you jump out the window, whichever comes first.
Spiders. Yech.
Comment by introspectre — September 7, 2005 @ 6:52 am
Pauly –
Put some mothballs in your vacuum. That’ll kill ‘em as you suck ‘em up. No more ticking bomb.
Comment by Alejo — September 13, 2005 @ 5:52 pm
I looked up “spider infestation” on yahoo because I am seriously arachnophobic (not helped by my father insisting when I was a college student that watching “Arachnophobia” would help) and have, in the past twenty four hours, been psychically attacked by no fewer than six spiders. One I saw mere nanoseconds before I plunged my face into it’s egg-bearing thorax, dangling from the frame of my bathroom door at five thirty in the morning. (This is an indecent hour to have to deal with spiders… or ANYTHING, for that matter, but that’s not my point). No, I have killed four of the beasties, ALL on my ceiling, today, and am in need of a sedative now, because how often can you really look up without impacting your quality of life??? My husband is currently two hours away, and I have SPIDERS TAKING OVER MY HOUSE!!! I’ve used a plunger, a Tilex sprayer (fine until I got a headache), rubbing alcohol… I even tried to get my dog to eat one that I shot down from the ceiling, but the dumb dog (I really do love her) just ran around trying to find the “food” that I was offering. SOMEBODY HELP ME!
Thanks,
Julie
Comment by Julie — May 10, 2006 @ 6:07 pm
Yesterday, I killed a spider with a shovel as I did not think the vacuum hose was wide enough to inhale it! There are these new vacuums available at Bed, Bath & Beyond. They have an ELECTRIC CURRENT at the end of the vacuum tube to kill the spider once it is sucked up. The only problem is that the hose is so short that you actually have to get up close to the hairy beast. Also, I have thought of buying a BAGLESS CANISTER VAC so that I can see if they have starved to death in my vacuum prision or if they are actually procreating.
Always keep your VACUUM& a SHOVEL handy. The shovel might come in handy incase I run across on of those huge ones again- I might have to be buried.
Comment by Liz — July 20, 2006 @ 10:20 am
Hi, I just came across this website looking for spider info I am freaking out! I have seen like 5 spiders in my house in the past week. Including one tonight that I killed with a shoe that ended up being pregnant and all her babies sprayed out of her! My question is, do you feel that seeing more than 3 spiders is truly an infestation and that I should called a pro? HELP! I’ve had goosebumps for 2 hours now!!
Comment by Gina — August 15, 2006 @ 12:58 am
“There is a difference between Spiderman and Spider-Man, FYI.”
And that difference is: Spiderman is how the ignorant spell Spider-Man.
Oh yes. I am that guy.
(Girl?)
Comment by Heather Meadows — September 4, 2006 @ 1:36 pm
Check out the ‘Hammacher-Schemmler’ website for their great rechargeable ‘Insect Vacuum’. It’s got great extensions tubes, trapping panel and sucks the ‘evil ones’ into a removable ‘capsule’ full of insecticide. Once they’re in there they’re goners and even better, you can’t see them! Drop off the capsule and deposit it in the trash can! Essential piece of furniture for every home! Mike
Comment by mike smythe — September 17, 2006 @ 4:45 pm
1) Suction tools are excellent for removing spiders etc from your home, but nowhere near as much fun as watching the cat claw them around for a bit first (and then chewing them, spitting them out and walking away).
2) I don’t believe Octopuseses (plural please?) have ‘legs’ as such do they .. hmm??
3) I am a good ol fashioned red-blooded male but I feel no shame in calling for my girfriend to come and help me out if I’m trapped in the bathroom. Nope - none at all.
4) Do they sell Lyson in the UK?
Comment by Kobi — October 11, 2006 @ 5:41 am
Well after reading this page i am amused yet petrifed at the thought of these Spiders finding their way out of the Hoover(Vacuum for those whom are American). I have recently moved to a new home with my Best Mate who is just as scared as me of the dirty Beasts. We have been fighting back and hoovering them up for the past FOUR DAYS and there are still more aiting for us.
I feel like this is a battle we can’t win. Can somebody please help us by giving some information on substances/objects/etc we can put on the walls to keep away the filthy Beasts?
I will be waiting impatiently……..
Comment by Rebecca — December 6, 2006 @ 5:42 am
So I just sucked up a giant spider and came on here to figure out if the little dude died or not when i did that. I’m concidering going and sucking up gravel so when he’s swiriling around in the vortex of my hoover fusion I can hear his little head being hit my the rocks. My dogs are guarding incase he tries to escape.
I usually hairspray them to death but I don’t have any… I’ll let you know if this works or if he escapes the doghair dust bucket and seeks revenge…
Comment by Brittany — October 10, 2007 @ 9:51 am