I Am The King of Crappy Legal Advice
August 30th, 2005
Lawyers are expensive.
It’s true and you know what I’m talking about if you’ve ever had to hire one. Two hundred an hour, three hundred an hour, your first born child and four hundred an hour. And for what? A bunch of talking, a few phone calls, and in the end — some advice that you just could have gotten from me.
No matter that I am the KING of crappy legal advice. It just doesn’t matter.
If you’ve got a problem and you need someone to talk to and you have no experience whatsoever with legal jargon and stuff and whatchamajigger kind of lawyer stuff and hell — I know all that stuff like the back of my calf, so why not consult me in the first place?
You’ll be glad you did.
Did you hit some car with your car, then take off before anyone saw you hit that car, but in the end someone did see you hit that car and took pictures of you fleeing the scene of the crime and then you got arrested and a court date was planned for your hit and run accident? Are you looking for some kind of advice to help you through this matter? Well, look to me. I’ll be happy to give you advice that comes straight from my own life experience and tell you that your best bet is to quickly repair your car, sell it on-line, buy a new one, dye your hair color and DENY EVERYTHING. Hell, you don’t own the car, you don’t have the same hair color, and you also have…wait for it… tourette’s syndrome! They’ll never get past the first court hearing and you’ll be free and clear… I think.
Are you worried because someone at work is threatening to charge you with sexual harrassment for alluding to the fact that your co-worker will never get the good accounts unless he/she sleeps with you at least twice a week, an hour each time, and tells everyone how great it was? Well, look to me. I can tell you this pretty confidently — as long as you take pictures of the events in question and register a domain name with this person’s name in it, and then send a manilla envelope to their house with these COPIES of these pictures (copies, remember that cause it’s important) and then a note made out of cut up letters from a variety of magazines that reads, “BEWARE! From ME!”… you should be good to go… I mean, it seems like that would be the best way to go…
Have you stolen your child from their elementary school one afternoon after your ex-spouse got the courts to ban you from seeing them just because you’re an alcoholic heroin addict who often hocks everything you own for more drug money? Are you, right this minute, holed up in an out-of-the-way Motel 6 trying to figure out what to do? That’s where I come in. This one’s simple, actually. Mexico. Get to Mexico as fast as you can. Not Canada. Mexico. The laws in Mexico are, well, in a different language so it’ll be harder for them to get you, versus in Canada where they speak English. You want to go to a place where the laws are written in non-English. I’m feeling good about this piece of advice. Definitely. Mexico.
For when faced with a legal problem so large it gives you an ulcer… For when you’re faced with troubles and you have no money AND no way out… Why pay four hundred bucks and your liver for legal advice from some snotty nosed Ivy League lawyer who’s probably surfing the web while they talk to you on the phone? Why not, instead, come to me? Isn’t FREE crappy legal advice better than expensive legal jargon that you’ll never understand in the first place?
Isn’t finding out that defamation of character and stalking and gun wielding in a government building and plagarism and vandalism and vehicular man slaughter are all, sort of, not that big of a deal — a good thing? Isn’t it nice to know that petty theft and corporate sabotage and embezzlement and white collar crime can all be dismissed in court if you wear a suit? Aren’t you glad to know that you can get legal advice from me about all those paragraphs and sections in the legal code for FREE?
I am the King.
And I have not left the building.
you have made me a believer!
Comment by ms. sizzle — August 30, 2005 @ 8:27 am
I have a question for you: I been travelling the world for the past fews years as a lady-gigolo swindling unsuspecting men out of thousands of millions of dollars with my long legs and feminine wiles. I make sure to cover my tracks, change my passport and haircolor, but it seems that I’ve been outed…what should I do?
Comment by meme — August 30, 2005 @ 8:28 am
I bet you have the ability to be a crappy therapist, too.
Comment by Amy — August 30, 2005 @ 8:31 am
Meme - I’m glad you asked.
If you’ve been outed, the best thing I can suggest is to pretend you hear voices and that you have multiple personalities, and that currently all 16 of the other personalities are down “in the cave” and you can’t fetch them. In the meantime, the personality that is speaking can be, oh I don’t know, some blogger from NYC.
Comment by Pauly D — August 30, 2005 @ 8:49 am
What happens if you have a bloodlust for killing hobos?
Comment by Keith — August 30, 2005 @ 8:55 am
I’ve been caught plagairizing all my blog posts from some guy in Norway, and now he’s suing me. Can I get out of it by saying “plagairizing” is legal in this country?
Comment by Neil — August 30, 2005 @ 9:19 am
Keith - if you have a bloodlust for killing, just make sure you do it in an out of the way place, and at night, with a mask on.
Neil - As far as I know, plagairizing is totally legal as long as you call it “satire.”
Comment by Pauly D — August 30, 2005 @ 10:01 am
I am a hard core polygamist. I loves me some husbands, and I can’t seem to get married ENOUGH times to suit my needs. But now The Man is telling me that it is wrong. How can love be wrong? Help me.
ps- Are YOU married? Would you like to have coffee sometime?
Comment by Eve — August 30, 2005 @ 10:02 am
Eve - According to my colleagues (who also give crappy legal advice) the word “polygamist” is hard to spell, and thus, is not illegal. Words that you can spell, like “murder” and “theft” are obviously illegal, but if you can’t spell it — then you CAN do it.
Comment by Pauly D — August 30, 2005 @ 10:10 am
So who do we turn to when you end up in jail for giving out legal “advice.” Hmm?
Comment by Hilary — August 30, 2005 @ 10:24 am
hysterical!!!!
“The laws in Mexico are, well, in a different language so it’ll be harder for them to get you, versus in Canada where they speak English. You want to go to a place where the laws are written in non-English. I’m feeling good about this piece of advice. Definitely. Mexico.”
i love this post. thanx for the laugh today pauly.
Comment by jenny — August 30, 2005 @ 12:35 pm
do you make court appearances too? because that would really be the best part. you know, like in a suit that’s *just* too small for you. and being as your head is oversized and everything, i think people would take pity on whomever you’re representing.
“ohhhhh, that poor girl. she just got caught smoking a little crack and now she’s stuck with that big headed guy. she doesn’t deserve this!”
so, yeah. it’s worth your fee of “free” if you come to court. deal?
Comment by kristine — August 30, 2005 @ 12:45 pm
It answered a lot of questions. Am I glad I found you when I did, Paul. (The commenters too are a riot! Just funnyfunny.)
I think I recall something you saying about “the gift that keeps on giving,” well, your posts does that. And how.
Odd.
Comment by greenhemic — August 30, 2005 @ 12:49 pm
And here I always thought that fugitives flee to Mexico for the quesadillas and the big hats. Thanks for the info, Pauly.
Comment by Will — August 30, 2005 @ 1:43 pm
I am wondering if they still do the initial consultations free? When I need a lawyer I thought I’d break my case into fourteen sections and then hit the phonebooks…
Comment by The Moviequill — August 30, 2005 @ 2:12 pm
EVERYTHING IS FREE, Moviequill.
That means the initial consultation (which, by the way is held at Starbucks in Santa Monica), any and all mediations (held in the backseat of my mini-van) and any court appearances (no Kristine my suit is not short, I wear parachute pants and an old Iron Maiden t-shirt instead) are all FREE.
Rejoice!
Comment by Pauly D — August 30, 2005 @ 3:42 pm
sweet mother of god, i SHALL rejoice!
Comment by kristine — August 30, 2005 @ 7:18 pm
Pauly, do you also offer free advice on where to hide the bodies that I — I mean, someone — might be storing in my someone’s car? Thanks, babe.
Comment by annabel lee — August 30, 2005 @ 9:48 pm
Annabel — Ooh, tough one. Umm, my advice on hiding bodies would be to use what us lawyers like to call the “Weekend at Bernies Coefficient.” That’s where you take the bodies out of your trunk, dress them up in sunny outfits, and take them with you everywhere you go. You know, to parties and social engagements.
No one will ever know.
Comment by Pauly D — August 30, 2005 @ 9:50 pm
I hope there is some kind of disclaimer on the website that states that your posts do not reflect your true personality and that you cannot be held responsible for the insanity displayed in your articles just in case “they” are still watching you.
“They” know where you live, too.
Comment by Idil — September 1, 2005 @ 2:07 am