Words for My Enjoyment

If I Was On ‘Battlestar Galactica’

August 29th, 2005

You may or may not be watching one of the greatest shows currently on television — Battlestar Galactica.

If you’re unaware of the show or the concept, it takes place in another part of our Universe in a totally different galaxy where a planet of human beings are attacked by robots called Cylons (which they created and which are now trying to eradicate the human race) and must escape to the stars to try and save their race. Each week they struggle to survive attacks, Cylon spies (some look just like humans now) and find the prophesized planet called ‘Earth’ so they may start a new life.

If I was on that show, man — things would be so different.

I wouldn’t be a soldier or a spaceship pilot (I’d get seasick) and I wouldn’t be a politician or even a human running around worrying about the Cylons. In fact, I would be the most groundbreaking character on the show to date — something that the creators of the show have yet to address since the original series and now this far superior one.

The Funny Robotic Cylon.

That’s the one problem with the Cylons, currently. The metallic robotic ones really have no personality or humor whatsoever. They see humans, they fire at humans and they kill humans. They never have any lines or funny physical moments whatsoever and that’s where I’d come in as the funny robotic cylon. Mind you, we’d just go ahead and supplant my personality inside a robot and let him wreak havoc on the entire Battlestar Galactica universe.

Picture this: The humans on Caprica (their home planet which was attacked by the Cylons and is now almost uninhabitable because of the radiation) have found another Cylon base. They sneak through the woods, armed to the hilt, until they finally spot a group of ten Cylons. Nine of them are boring, unfunny, pieces of useless metal driven by a chip inside of them that makes them proficient at firing weapons and killing living things. The tenth (ME) is funny.

So, the humans race to the edge of a hill overlooking the Cylons and they start firing away and we’re all bulletproof pretty much so we’re all still standing around down there as the human’s pitiful and puny bullets ricochet off our superior metallic shells. But that’s right about the time when the rest of the Cylons are ready to flip around and start shooting.

But I lean in and say, “I’ve got such a hilarious idea, guys. Pretend you got shot, collapse to the floor, and leave the rest to me!”

Since the rest of the Cylons aren’t funny like me (it’s not in their wiring) they all drop to the ground and play dead. (I’m playing dead too, with one eye open if you get my gist.) The humans, spotting this, cheer endlessly — they’ve done it! So easy! They race to the base camp where they stand over the humans. And it’s at that moment…right then…that I look up and in my funny Cylon electronic-type voice say:

“Would you like fries with that?”

Then me and all the other Cylons will start laughing and stuff (I’ve taught them how) and the humans get all freaked out and then I think probably the Cylons will just kill all of them. But for that split second, what you get is some priceless humor from the funniest Cylon in the Universe.

I’d probably have a whole list of funny lines to say throughout very tense moments, in an attempt to liven up the whole feel of those violent moments, but I’d also really strive to be like the Buster Keaton of Cylons. You know, I may not SAY that much — but my physical prat-falls and stuff would be priceless. So you know, if I get shot, instead of just letting my head explode off my body, I may trip backwards purposefully, fall over a log, land with my head in a huge puddle of water, blow bubbles loud enough to make everyone laugh, stand back up, slip on a banana peel or wet leaf of some kind, and then finally fall onto a sharp metal rod of some kind which would impale my stomach or something. But right up to that point, total hilarity.

I’d probably also try to work on a whole book of jokes that start with the phrase, “A human lands onto a radioactive planet that was once his own…”. You know, it would always start that way then lead into hilarious jokes that involved rabbits and shots of alcohol and cloning DNA and stuff like that. (This is most obviously in the works and so I don’t yet have the list for you to peruse.)

All in all, being the “funny Cylon” would be quite beneficial to me because I would be the most unique character on that show — combining smarts, intellect, technology, gun-play and humor all into one tight package.

I’m available currently to take on this role, and so I hope the producers are listening.

Posted under Battlestar Galactica, What If. |