The Cult of Wipe
August 28th, 2005
It is a cult that crosses boundaries. It is a cult that is hardly ever spoken of. It is a cult that exists in all countries, in all times and in all languages.
And it is a cult that every human being belongs to.
It is the Cult of Wipe and it concerns the way in which each human being approaches the final few minutes of every bathroom moment, yet it is something that few discuss, that many pretend never exists and that most prefer to just leave alone.
Yet it fascinates WFME to no end.
As a disclaimer, this is not going to be the kind of PG-13 entry that you’d expect to be labeled PG-13 and stacked with comedians who enjoy talking about the toilet. No, the goal instead is to seriously and intelligently debate this Cult of Wipe from a mathematical and theological standpoint. Why do humans do things the way they do and why do we shy away from discussing our daily techniques when it is something we have more in common with every human being than anything else in our lives?
What is your sub-group in the Cult of Wipe? Are you a Gluttenor or a Conservor?
Gluttenors cause toilet paper rolls to spin faster than the rotation of the earth, dragging enough Snuggle-soft goodness into the palm of their hand to literally create a glove around their digits. These are the same people who use an entire roll of paper towels to kill a tiny little spider. They do not want to touch that spider or feel that spider or even get a glimpse of that spider. They will reach out, grab it as fast as they can and dispose of the wad before their eyes can see a thing. The Cult of Wipe’s gluttenors are often well-aware of the techniques required for plungers as well — because they are constantly causing toilets to overflow due to their ability to use more paper than the ceramic Gods can handle. Because gluttenors also are big proponents of two-four ply goodness, their ability to use huge quantities is exponentially damaging.
Conservors, on the other hand, are the kinds of people who get a meal at a restaurant and share it with another. They are the kind of people who buy a pint of ice cream and don’t finish it, saving it for another day. They spend thriftily on buying the accessory bathroom products, going to single-ply, bigger rolls — and then are extremely careful about how much they use while involved in the process. Are they better because of it? Well, they think they are.
But more than your sub-group in the Cult of Wipe is, instead, your finishing technique. Finishing techniques cover the gambit, and few ever speak about their stuck-in-a-rut ways due to the fact that they find it to be either extremely private & personal, or they just don’t feel the need to have the conversation. Either way, the Cult of Wipe’s finishing techniques have never been discussed in print, until here at WFME…today.
While most individuals wait for a clean wipe to alert them to the conclusion of the event in question, there are those in the Cult of Wipe who we like to call, the disbelievers. These individuals are harder to come by, but no matter how clean that clean wipe is, the disbelievers do not believe they are fully done. They must follow up the clean wipe with another and another. What they are looking for has to be fully discovered — but the disbelievers can go on for three, four or five more wipes — looking out for something or anything to alert them to the fact that they were extremely smart to keep on going.
There are others, the anticipators, who are often in a rush and disregard the almost-clean wipes for clean wipes. These individuals often leave their cermaic churches early, missing the end of the sermon and well, finding their souls feeling uncomfortable throughout the day. They never learn, of course, and the burden will follow them throughout their lives.
But nothing compares, of course, to the one sub-group within the Cult of Wipe called the daredevils.
The daredevils often go into their ceramic churches knowing that they are without their tools and there is no paper available. They often sit down to discover such facts and do not get up and abandon their moment. They fly by the seat of their pants (no pun intended) and will, just like ancient peoples who often had to think quick out in the forest, find something just as good as two-ply goodness to help them in their endeavors.
Usually, it’s a magazine subscription card. Or a tissue. Or a napkin. Or when things get extremely dicey, a sock or a buff puff or a cardboard tube. There’s no fear with the daredevils, and they are ironically the only members of the Cult of Wipe who speak about their travails and adventures behind closed doors. Some embrace them and others ignore them — they are the beloved and the beleaguered all at once, but they just don’t care.
Yes, there is more. There is way more.
There are others out there. Members of the Cult of Wipe who have splintered off the original founding group and created even more obscure traditions and habits. They are in your towns and in your offices and they sit next to you on the subway and drive beside you on the freeway. They may worship a different God and they may hate your ethnicity or your family. But deep down, they share one very important thing with everyone else. They are a member of the Cult of Wipe. You are a member of the Cult of Wipe. You may try to deny it — but the truth is that you will never escape it.
And that, my friends, will never change.
Ever.
There is another separator to the Cult of Wipe — Toilet Paper: Over or Under?
Comment by Keith — August 28, 2005 @ 11:10 am
Here in Mexico, people don’t flush toilet paper. There are little wastebaskets next to each toilet for soiled tissue. Naturally, as an outsider, I felt the need to closely examine this (don’t ask) because I was amazed that bathrooms don’t smell bad in spite of this practice. It seems they use a large amount of toilet paper for each wipe, layered in a long rectangle, wipe, then fold it over, fecally sealing the contents within.
Comment by Darrel — August 28, 2005 @ 1:59 pm
In many regions throughout Malaysia there is no Cult of Wipe. Instead they go for a water-delivered-by-hose system that takes a fair amount of getting used to.
The Cult, it must be said, is starting to make its converts, in particular in the bigger cities. There is, as you so rightly say, no escaping it.
Comment by Cas — August 28, 2005 @ 2:15 pm
” They are the kind of people who buy a pint of ice cream and don’t finish it, saving it for another day.”
Saving ice cream for another day is blasphemy.
Comment by Daniel Nicolas — August 28, 2005 @ 3:03 pm
I could never go to the bathroom in Mexico.
Comment by Pauly D — August 28, 2005 @ 3:34 pm
in japan, alot of the toilets are ceramic holes in the gorund. you have to squate over the hole, while you’re doing your business. the funny thing is, though, that the stalls are usually really, really wide…and you have to somehow make it out of the awkward position you are in to the wall, where the TP roll is located half way up the wall.
i don’t really know where i’m going with this, so i’ll stop.
Comment by heather — August 28, 2005 @ 4:39 pm
I am with Keith- over or under? I will go so far as to change the direction of other people’s toilet paper rolls. I prefer over to under.
Buff Puff to wipe with? Ouch!
Comment by ms. sizzle — August 28, 2005 @ 4:42 pm
another sub category could be Read Or Just Sit debate
Comment by The Moviequill — August 28, 2005 @ 4:47 pm
I am one of your rare “disbelievers”. How could anyone not be?
Comment by nilblogette — August 28, 2005 @ 5:16 pm
According to the media, we Americans have been saved (Halleluiah!) from mediocre effectiveness of harsh, dry toilet paper alone.
Cottonelle Fresh Folded Moist Wipes have changed the universe as we know it and should be added to the Cult of Wipe by-laws.
Proven words of wisdom from the makers (Kleenex):
-Each wipe measures 7.25 x 5.5 inches
-Feel cleaner and fresher than dry toilet paper alone: package contains 42 wipes
-Flushable–sewer and septic safe
-For best results, flush only one or two wipes at a time
In addition, we all know the benefits of Aloe and Vitamin E, well now your butt is saved (literally) for the new and improved…
Cottonelle Flushable Folded Wipes with Aloe & E will repair and replenish any wipe damage done during the deed.
Comment by purpletwinkie — August 28, 2005 @ 5:26 pm
And now back to our reguarly scheduled program.
Comment by Pauly D — August 28, 2005 @ 5:33 pm
I am a gluttenor and a disbeliever. Charming, huh?
Comment by Amy — August 28, 2005 @ 6:32 pm
This needed to be talked about. Before, I felt so alone.
Comment by Tina — August 28, 2005 @ 6:38 pm
ohmyG*d! i love this!
i will say…that i would prefer my friends (and chefs) to be gluttenors…just more sanitary that way, i think.
Comment by C(h)ristine — August 28, 2005 @ 6:50 pm
EWWWWWWWWW…I plead the fifth.
Comment by Kris — August 28, 2005 @ 7:54 pm
Hmm…
Interesting theories going on here… I’m with Keith though… there’s a HUGE disagreement amongst the Snidget family on over or under… and which approach offers the cleanest wipe.
I’ve been one of those people that leave the church early… it’s a HORRIBLE feeling.
Comment by Snidget — August 28, 2005 @ 8:04 pm
Personally, I’d like to know why advertisers insist on calling it ‘toilet tissue’ instead of toilet paper (or my own favorite, music roll).
No matter HOW nice and sanitized they try to make it sound we ALL know where it ends up (as it were). And I’ve yet to encounter one person who says ‘Oi!! We’re out of toilet tissue’
Comment by Ruggybabs — August 29, 2005 @ 1:42 am
Other interesting sub-groups include the ‘grunters’ and ’silent bobs’, or the ‘grunting silent bobs’.
Comment by kingbenny — August 29, 2005 @ 7:47 am
There’s just so much fodder here for conversation, but my burning question has to be, if no one talks about this stuff, how do you know so much about everyone else’s habits? How does one research such subject matter?
Comment by Alejo — August 29, 2005 @ 8:03 am
Alejo - the reason I happen to know this limited information about this Cult of Wipe is no thanks to an underground report that was released in July ‘05 called, Your Butt And You.
Seriously.
Comment by Pauly D — August 29, 2005 @ 8:15 am
Those japanese toilets do sound weird. About the mexico ones, yeah…some do have a waste basket a side, but still I flush it, it’s just common sense not to throw in like the full roll and then flush.
common sense except to my sister, who tried to flush an empty toothpaste bootle.It was a sad sad story and nasty plumbing work involving me and my dad.
and…she was 21 at the time. That’s when I knew why some put a trash can a side of the toilet.
Comment by Ivan — August 29, 2005 @ 8:15 am
When we were in Juarez this summer, we didn’t flush the toilet paper — and I wasn’t about to, because I was NOT going to be the one to break the fragile plumbing system.
On another note, my brother once got in big trouble at school for flushing this little girl’s fancy hair bow down the toilet. I’m not sure what the Cult of Wipe term for that would be, but I think it’s pretty funny.
Comment by Amber — August 29, 2005 @ 9:06 am
Over the Top is the only way to go. I even have a friend who used a computer and printer to replace the instructions inside the toilet paper dispensers in our company bathrooms to instruct the janitor how to install the roll over the top. It only took a few weeks and our domination was complete.
Comment by Ian — August 29, 2005 @ 12:11 pm
Here’s the real question: is there a group that *doesn’t* look? Is there an “Assumers” (yes, pun intended) group?
Are there those who dare to use the force? “That *felt* like I pretty clean cut to me,” They say “one swipe should do it.” Then, without a hint of examination, they stand and leave the church without knowledge… without proof? I want to meet the people who have such supreme faith in the guillotine-like precision of their anus that they do this.
Comment by Steve — August 29, 2005 @ 12:48 pm
Your description of the Daredevil made my ass clench up.
Comment by Helena — August 29, 2005 @ 1:28 pm
I’ve wiped with a cardboard tube before. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Comment by Dawn (webmiztris) — August 29, 2005 @ 1:30 pm
I’ve learned so much about my bathroom habits today. I just finished looking at this.
Comment by ginger — August 29, 2005 @ 5:09 pm
I was a gluttenor, but I got smart and found those flushable wipes that speed up the process. And yes, my plunger is right next to my toilet…just in case.
Comment by Becky — August 29, 2005 @ 7:20 pm
…this is better than the poopie list.
Comment by C(h)ristine — August 29, 2005 @ 10:01 pm
To the gentleman who was ecstatic about the Cottonelle Fresh Folded Moist Wipes - baby wipes work just as well and have been just kick-ass at scrubbing my bottom - cheaper too!
Comment by mckenna — August 30, 2005 @ 9:00 am
I would say tha I am a gluttenor and a disbeliever. But I think there are a couple more sub-groups: the scrubbers and the quickies.
The Scrubbers are just what it sounds like. They somehow manage to use the delicate tissue as a scrub brush and go to town. I can’t imagine that it is a comfortable feeling but I guess they are used to it.
The Quickies are the ones who enter the stall, take care of business, wipe and flush in an amount of time that just doesn’t seem possible. I think they actually skip steps but can’t really figure out, and don’t want to figure out, which ones.
Comment by Dave — August 30, 2005 @ 9:29 am
*rolling on the floor laughing so hard that I am now crying*
Ow. My sides hurt.
Ready for the TMI? I am a “paper over-disbelieving-silent bob-magazine reading-poop analyzing-conservor”. I actually have to take inventory of which meal has just been eliminated; was it last night’s dinner or yesterday’s lunch. You know, just to be sure things are on schedule.
Comment by Ms.Q — August 30, 2005 @ 2:07 pm