Words for My Enjoyment

Words For Your Enjoyment: Adult Tattle Tales

August 26th, 2005

[Insert your own exciting and verbose Friday greeting here. One that both welcomes readers, draws in new ones, uses flowery language and elaborate metaphors and leads in to the next section of the post, which addresses today's subject matter. Then add a joke at the end here to make people laugh.]

Today’s “Words For Your Enjoyment” comes from WFME partner-in-crime, Dylan, who says: “I was wondering if you could tell me if there is any merit to a grown adult being a tattle-tale.”

Oh, Dylan. Dylan, Dylan, Dylan.

Being an adult tattle-tale is probably the single greatest achievement in the entire world. Just being called an adult tattle-tale means that you are extremely petty, often have your ears open for sensitive information you can use to your advantage, are always in the wrong place at the right time, wear sneakers to work (personal memory here, sorry), have no concern whatsoever if you have any social network at all, and you can use such talents to propel yourself quickly to the middle of any organization.

Honestly, if we’re being serious — adult tattle-tales, although hated and talked about constantly, are probably the most savvy people in any of our lives whether that be at the office, in a classroom, at a weekend retreat, in Church, at the paint-ball weekend shoot-a-thon or at your children’s show-and-tell pre-school parent-teacher’s evening. They would be well-suited for a job in Intelligence simply based on their ability to keep their eyes and ears open for something…anything worth keeping track of.

Have you stolen a ream of 3-holed paper from your office supply closet and taken it home? They’ve seen you. Have you ordered a second stapler for your home office from the catalog at work? They know about it. Have you used a paper towel to open the bathroom door from the inside, then left it on the floor without throwing it away? They’re in the know. Have you talked behind your bosses back, taken extra change out of the tip jar, eaten frozen yogurt toppings that were stored in the huge back room freezer while your co-workers help customers up front? Have you made long distance calls with someone else’s code number or used company stationary to get better hotel deals? Have you parked in a reserved spot that is not your own or logged miles on your car that have nothing to do with your work in general?

The adult tattle-tale knows. The adult tattle-tale sees. The adult tattle-tale uses every piece of information to make you subconsciously treat them a little bit better, with a little more respect, and possibly (if they’re lucky) — you might even try to be their friend.

As far as anyone should be concerned — being an adult tattle-tale indeed has its merits.

Sure, people who get told on consider the tattle-taler to be immature. Sure, those who get nailed by the adult tattle-taler get frustrated and angry. Anyone affected by the adult tattle-taler’s stories want to do bodily harm.

But you know what? It’s YOUR FAULT.

You didn’t have to copy your ass on the copy machine last night. You didn’t have to tilt the vending machine to get another free Snickers bar. No one forced you to take that five bucks out of the petty cash box without anyone knowing. Eating those unclaimed pizzas was definitely not a suggestion by the boss and using the office’s FedEx number to send your own eBay crap to someone in Rhode Island was all you, baby.

And if someone, like perhaps maybe the adult tattle-taler, happens to see you doing these things, they’re just doing their part in setting things straight. In getting you to be honest. In ruining your life.

But whose fault is that really, huh?

Not mine. I mean, theirs. You know what I mean. I wasn’t saying that I was a tattle-tale or anything. No, they are. Whoever they are, I mean. You know.

Adult tattle-talers don’t often think before they speak.

Posted under Manners, WFYE. |