I’m not a big fan of the name Jon.
Mind you, it has nothing to do with my recent run-ins with Jon Cryer nor does it have anything to do with the fact that when I was a child my grandfather once told me that “people with three letters for a first name, where the first and last letters are consonants and the middle letter is the vowel “o” and the first consonant has the same sound as the letters “ch” or “sh” — they’re criminals or malcontents.”
My grandfather heard voices, too, but who am I to criticize. I mean, the guy was in WW II and spent hours in planes going on missions while shrapnel flew all around him. If he wanted to hate certain three-letter names, that was OK by me.
The name John has got to be the most normal, American, typical name on the face of the Earth but that’s not the reason for my total support of the name and my total disdain for the name Jon. I think when it really comes down to it, I find that the name Jon represents more than just the missing “h” — but represents society’s desire for shortcuts.
Having a kid and want to use the name John but feeling like it’s too typical or takes too long to write? Want to name your kid Jonathan but again, it’s just starting to become a hassle? Well why not go ahead and just drop a letter and make it Jon.
I want to know the mentality behind such a short-cut.
If I was standing in the middle of a desert and I was desperate for water and I was going to die in the very near future and a spirit or God came down from the Heavens and said to me a big ‘ol booming voice, “You must change your name to Jon and then you will be saved!” I would probably first ask what they meant by “saved” — cause if saved means they’re going to magically beam me to my house where my fridge is filled with good deli stuff from Whole Foods, sure. But if saved means they’re just going to send down a few bottles of Fiji water and then I still have to walk all the way home, I have to really think about the decision. But yeah, if the Whole Foods thing was going to happen, I may possibly change my name to Jon. But probably not.
Because, I don’t know — there’s something off with the name.
So, too is the case with the following names, where parents have simply seen fit to remove ONE LETTER in order to truncate a typical name and create something far more frightening: Margret, Pal, Jeny, Frak, Heny, Briget, Lia, Suzi, Hether, Shanon, Fredd, Paty, Rebeca, Genifer, Am…
So in trying to decide between Jon and John — there’s an inherent problem. Do you go for the more obscure, fewer letter name or do you go with the more-mainstream, more traditional spelling of the name? Do you go with pickled eggs or pickles? Do you go with Chinese Chicken Salad or Chinese Food? Do you go with a hand missing a finger or a hand that has all its digits? Do you go with Ghost in the Machine or Ghost?
It’s a tough decision.
It really is.
In other news, tomorrow brings another exciting, ground-breakingly stunning edition of “Words For Your Enjoyment” — where you supply the idea, we steal it, and you gain so much notoriety from the entire process that it makes you a huge big star and you turn into a total a-hole and never talk to any of your friends ever again, and then one day you’re out riding your bicycle on a mountain road and you ride into a tunnel and don’t see a huge truck coming and it hits you and you die and go up to Heaven where you’re given a chance to go back to Earth but only in the body of a rich a-hole-ish billionaire but you figure, hey why not, if Warren Beatty could do it and Chris Rock could do it — then so can I.