If I Was A Pirate Psychologist
August 22nd, 2005
Arrggggggghhh!
It’s how I’d always start my session with you as a pirate psychologist.
As a pirate psychologist, I would be used to the initial uncomfortability factor that always seemed to “just be there” in the room when you entered for counseling. There would be the fact that you couldn’t look me right in both eyes (due to my eye patch) and the annoying tapping of my wooden leg on the wooden floor. There would be the glimmer of the gold in my teeth and the annoying parrot on my shoulder.
But let me tell you this — I would be soooooo good.
Over the twelve weeks we’d work together, you’d find that we had developed sort of a verbal short-hand. The kind of communication that only women living together closely in an apartment (who suddenly share the same menstrual cycle) and prisoners of war have. The kind of “finishing-each other’s sentences” that accompanies long walks in the Antarctic to long nights by the beach. Above all, the simple utterances I provided would help push you along the road of self-healing.
You might say, “Doc, I’m feeling a little self-conscious about myself — I don’t know, feeling like I’m just not good enough for anything…”
“Arrrgggggggggh!”
Immediately your expression would change. “You are SO right, Doc. Screw the rest of them, I AM good enough for anything!”
You might say, “Doc, I just don’t feel like she’s attracted to me anymore, and because of it I find that I can’t perform in the you-know-what…”
“Garrr! Shiver meeee timbers!!”
Immediately, it would hit you. “She IS frigid, Doc. No wonder. It’s HER, not ME. Phew.”
There would be times where you might say, “I’m having these horrible nightmares, Doc. I don’t know what they mean but they’re really terryifying me.”
My parrot would chime in, “Reaaally terrifying me, waaaah! Reallly terrying me, waaaah!”
And immediately you would realize, as you laughed along with me and the parrot, that “you know what — the parrot’s right… they’re more funny than scary!”
The intimidation factor would be so far less with me and my practice. This would be primarily due to the fact that I am a pirate psychologist and I would never speak to you in medical or psychological terms.
Ahoy, what you be feelin’ right now is normal. Aye. Arrr, thar is a scientific sayin’ for it, but why worry about that. Ye’ll ne’er get me buried booty! You be a good person, and the problems you be ha’in’ be the problems that e’eryone else is ha’in’. Did I mention that ye’ll ne’er get me buried booty!? Aye, so, do not worry my ol’ scalwag — you be goin’ t’ be mightily fine. Argggh.
If you are sad — you will laugh. If you are depressed, you will see the light. If you are just coming off the worst week of your life, the parrot will change that. Between me, my eye patch, my parrot, my wooden leg, my golden teeth, my treasure and my bottle of ale — you will either fully see that life is absurd and nothing is worth taking this seriously or you will have me brought up on charges of practicing without a fully-executed pirate psychologist’s license.
It’s no matter, matey.
For when the day has ended and I have seen my patients and I have helped at least one of them, that will be enough for me. For when I’m sitting back at home, counting my gold and twisting my moustache (which isn’t an evil moustache by the way) in success — you should remember that it’s not all about me.
It’s all about you.
Because in pirate psychology school, they teach you to be honest, generous and that if someone crosses you that you must push them into shark-infested waters before they can do it again.
Like I said. All about you.
Do you do confidence building activities like making someone walk the plank? Is there ever scurvy involved? Or would that be more if you were a medical pirate doctor? Oh the questions I have, because frankly — I LOVE pirates.
Comment by Amber — August 22, 2005 @ 8:35 am
Walking the plank is for the weekend team building retreat that my psychology firm, Arrr, Arrr and Davidson coordinate.
Go ahead! Sign up now!
Comment by Pauly D — August 22, 2005 @ 8:51 am
Garrr! Shiver meeee timbers!! You be fellin’ better matey with comments again a plenty!!!
Comment by monkeyinabox — August 22, 2005 @ 9:17 am
I have a feeling that you will be doing guest appearances on Oprah in no time at all, and Dr. Phil will find his ship plundered while he is marooned on a lonely desert island.
Comment by Daniel — August 22, 2005 @ 9:26 am
yarr matey! that be a mighty fine post! yo ho ho and all that jazz!
Arr Arr and Davidson HA! i love it!
Comment by cat — August 22, 2005 @ 9:26 am
You being a pirate would be completely badass. Good luck trying to use a computer with a hook, though. I’m sure they must have some accessory that makes life easier for the average pirate psychologist.
Comment by Glen C. — August 22, 2005 @ 10:08 am
can i be your wench secretary? i could do a little swashbuckling in the waiting room and ply your patients with plenty of rum.
Comment by meme — August 22, 2005 @ 10:41 am
Also, will your office be decorated to look like the inside of a pirate ship? And don’t forget to wear a puffy shirt!
Comment by Andie — August 22, 2005 @ 11:29 am
No. Puffy. Shirts.
Comment by Pauly D — August 22, 2005 @ 11:36 am
Keelhauling is my specialty, could I possibly join the firm? Maybe an internship to start?
Comment by Meg — August 22, 2005 @ 12:12 pm
Would you like to borrow my two-headed parrot?
Comment by Amy Steier — August 22, 2005 @ 12:18 pm
Arrr, don’t forget to offer free sessions to celebrate National Talk Like a Pirate Day - come September 19th, me lovely. If not, I’ve got a bucket o’ chum with your name on it.
Comment by Fully — August 22, 2005 @ 2:30 pm
I’ve always maintained that Freud looks sort of like a pirate, so this speculation is spot-on.
Comment by Will — August 22, 2005 @ 3:31 pm
this is just plain bizarre. so bizarre that i have to commend you for being incredibly creative. albeit, strange and bizarre.
Comment by jenny — August 22, 2005 @ 4:12 pm
I was wondering if your office had a “plank.” I guess now I know.
Comment by purpletwinkie — August 22, 2005 @ 4:20 pm
I’m having a hard time not thinking about that chat porn transcript where the guy wants the girl to “arrrr” like a pirate to keep him turned on.
Comment by Becky — August 22, 2005 @ 4:38 pm
Personally, Jenny — I think that psychiatrists who employed this type of lexicon would make over-analyzing ones’ self to be way more entertaining.
As for the plank, PT — it does indeed have one.
Comment by Pauly D — August 22, 2005 @ 5:51 pm
As long as your parrot doesn’t repeat all my insecurities to the rest of your patients, we’re good.
Comment by groovebunny — August 22, 2005 @ 7:39 pm
But would I have to swab the poop deck?
Comment by leesepea — August 22, 2005 @ 9:01 pm
Would you accept payment in the form of an old, fading map with an X marking buried treasure? (Hmm, would it help if I were Keira Knightley?)
Comment by annabel lee — August 22, 2005 @ 9:16 pm
Do you have a stash of Jamaican rum in your pirate office? If so, I will totally be your first patient.
Comment by Sarah — August 22, 2005 @ 9:50 pm
Although I’m not a pirate, my grandfather and great-grandfather were prominent in the pirate community and I take some offense at the continued stereotyping of pirates as saying “aye matey.” While there were some who used this phrase, there were other pirates who spoke with a confident style and proper elocution. If you would take some interest in real pirate history rather than using pirates as fodder for your “humor” piece, you would also learn that 69% of all pirates actually had the use of both eyes and did not require the use of an eyepatch, although many donned one as a “fashion statement.”
Comment by Neil — August 23, 2005 @ 12:16 am
This reminds me of an old Bob Newhart skit from SNL. He guarantees that in one session he can solve your problems by offering effective advice in just two words - “Stop it!”
Comment by Darrel — August 23, 2005 @ 7:02 am
I think the twirlable moustache and gold tooth look could really suit you Pauly. Grrrrrr…
Comment by danielle — August 23, 2005 @ 8:34 am
All this reminds me that I need counselling. Too bad it’s too expensive. I guess blogs are therapy for the poor.
Comment by Idil — August 23, 2005 @ 9:31 am
Arrrgggggggh.
Did that help, Idil?
Comment by Pauly D — August 23, 2005 @ 9:33 am
You have the key to One-Eyed Willie!
Comment by Julie St-Gervais — August 25, 2005 @ 6:37 pm