Words For Your Enjoyment: Fanaticals
August 19th, 2005
A rock in the hand is worth two in the bush, which as long as it isn’t rolling down a hill and into a glass house, probably means that today brings us yet another edition of your favorite-ist, guilty-ist pleasure-ist kind-ist of post-ist… “Words For Your Enjoyment”.
Today, WFME reader Meg asks, “Would you rather have the respect of the writing community (both online and in your professional life) or a monstrous reader base that borders on fanatical? You must show your mental work in reaching your answer.”
Oh, Meg. Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg. (God, I sort of wish I could do a whole post on how the more I say Meg’s name, the more it sounds like an iron rod that construction workers use in putting together buldings or a glue-compound used in carpet installation. But instead, I will do what I’m here to do.)
Respect of the writing community or a monstrous fanatical reader base? Um, Meg? Dur.
There are distinct things that a writer gets via the respect of the writing community. There’s the inner-circle membership that is great in theory, of course. There’s the sudden “legitimacy” one gets via other related industries — i.e., the magazine and newspaper worlds are more apt to treat you with respect if you’ve already received it from the writing community at large. But most of all, let’s be really honest here, Meg… Respect from the writing community doesn’t mean squat.
Does respect from the writing community get me a half-drugged out of her mind groupie with my name painted on her torso, hiding in the closet of my master bedroom? Does respect from the writing community get me stalkers who smell like gouda? Does respect from the writing community garner me hugs from people wearing beer-hats at baseball games?
I don’t think so.
If you held out in front of me a beautifully framed document with the word RESPECT on it (which was, of course, made by my fellow writers in the writing community) or a huge mashed-potato sculpture of me (as made by a fervent fan) — which do you think I would take?
If you told me that I was being invited to a dinner, as planned by the “writing community” to honor me for excellence in writing and exposition or a hot-wing, liver wrapped in bacon, night of karaoke with a group of my closest strangers — what do you think I’d do?
If you offered me a year’s free membership to the “Official Writer’s Community Whatzitcalled” or a free membership to my own club, as run by a guy in Wisconsin — do you really even need to ask me which way I’d go?
Sure, the respect of a writing community is great and all — but writers in general are always way too competitive with other writers. There’s the “what kind of advance did you get” stuff and the “when’s your book coming out” thing and the “what kind of publicity push is the publisher giving you” rigamarole and the politics and in-fighting and subtle friendly back-stabbing practices… Who needs something like that when you can have 100 of your closest friends (whom you’ve never met or talked to on the phone) show up at your door with beer, cheetos and halvah?
I think you hear me and I think you agree.
There’s respect and there’s backyard, late-night streakers. There’s honor and there’s friendly attacks on my OCD’s. There’s kudos and there’s homemade brownies (mailed in a brown package with no return address) that must not be eaten, you know, cause you wouldn’t want to ruin the presentation. Seriously. I wouldn’t want to ruin the presentation. Maybe I’ll just stick that package in the “to save forever without EVER eating” pile? Either way…at every turn, the decision is obvious.
Respect of the writing community is SO not the way to go.
Disclaimer: If you are part of the writing community or a governing agent of the writing community, please be aware that the above post is “satire.” This means that it is a joke. Totally not serious. Come on, now. No one takes me seriously, so neither should you, Mr. Writing Community Person. Okay? Are we OK? Ok. Good. No, seriously? Ok, good.
MMMMmmmmm… Beer, cheetos, and halvah!
Hope to share AT LEAST one of those items with ya this Sunday, dude!
Comment by Fun Joel — August 19, 2005 @ 8:27 am
i pictured vince vaughn’s voice as i read this. is that weird? because i think it’s a sign from GOD that i should get a tattoo of his face, morphed with yours, on my chest.
Comment by kristine — August 19, 2005 @ 8:53 am
I will so desperately do anything in order for this tattoo to become a reality, Kristine. Just let me know.
Comment by Pauly D — August 19, 2005 @ 8:54 am
So Pauly, exactly how many potential stalkers/crazy obsessive fans do you already have?
And Joel, do people really eat Halvah? Gross.
Comment by Hilary — August 19, 2005 @ 8:59 am
Hilary - I so have to take you to task for what you just said — Halvah is the greatest Middle Eastern candy on the face of the Earth!
Comment by Pauly D — August 19, 2005 @ 9:02 am
Oh very very tricky — the DOUBLE satire. Oh sure — most writers can pull off the single satire, but you PaulyD impress me; your satirical begging for the post to be taken as satire is a work of art. The implications (does the second satire null the first’s satirical claim?) are mind blowing. I’d really stop to unravel it, but I’m afraid that maybe just maybe the entire universe would come apart.
Of course, none of that is as humorous as it being filed under “Smurfs.”
Comment by Stephen Speicher — August 19, 2005 @ 9:29 am
Pauly, maybe if you think SAWDUST tastes good.
Comment by Hilary — August 19, 2005 @ 10:09 am
My eyes are closed as I’m trying to imagine Vince Vaughn (in his thin, no bags under the eyes years) reading this to me while we vacation in Aruba.
It would be ok for you to read it to us too, Paul.
Comment by kris — August 19, 2005 @ 10:13 am
Hey Pauly, sorry for that whole “half-drugged out of her mind groupie with my name painted on her torso, hiding in the closet of my master bedroom” thing. My bad, I was in a weird place that night (and by weird I mean half-drugged and dressed as a woman, and by place I mean your closet).
Comment by Dave — August 19, 2005 @ 10:32 am
Hilary — when did you last try Halvah?
Comment by Fun Joel — August 19, 2005 @ 10:35 am
How did you know I am working on a huge mashed potato sculpture of you? It was supposed to be a surprise. :{
Comment by danielle — August 19, 2005 @ 11:23 am
well i have zero respect for you paul, but don’t get all big-headed about it.
Comment by jmorrison — August 19, 2005 @ 12:02 pm
i prefer to just cut out pictures of you and tape them to the face of my ken doll, then i put him in my bed and tuck him in, tightly. then when i go to work i put him on the sofa and give him the remote control.
Comment by meme — August 19, 2005 @ 12:04 pm
Hey, who doesn’t want backyard, late-night streakers? I mean, really?
Comment by Christa — August 19, 2005 @ 12:12 pm
Who wants repect from a bunch of self-hyped jerks? Oh, hey Paul, didn’t notice you there.
Comment by Glen C. — August 19, 2005 @ 12:21 pm
I finished the exhaustive work on my ‘bust of Pauly’ made in recognition of his fine work and devotion to the masses. I had planned to present it, but unfortunately the medium is cream cheese, not mashed-potatoes, and the bust melted in my car. It now looks like a big, white suppository.
Anyone have any crackers?
Comment by purpletwinkie — August 19, 2005 @ 12:40 pm
I’m just pleased that people can now Google “big white suppository” and “cream cheese” and find my site.
Comment by Pauly D — August 19, 2005 @ 12:42 pm
Stealth SEO if I ever saw it.
Comment by Glen C. — August 19, 2005 @ 12:54 pm
Speaking of rocks and bushes, could you maybe do something about the amount of rocks in the bushes outside your house? I mean, how am I supposed to sleep comfortably out there with all those rocks under me? I do have my pillow with your face silkscreened on it (you are SO CUTE!!) and the shirt that I took from your hamper that day when I was doing my usual perimeter check (because you never know what sort of crazed fans might be lurking around) and found that your bathroom window had been left open.
Once we get married, we’re going to get a security system.
Comment by Amber — August 19, 2005 @ 1:02 pm
You are very clever, Pauly.
Comment by Amy Steier — August 19, 2005 @ 1:39 pm
My web viewers show their obedience by ritualistic sacrifices — well, that’s how I interpret angry mobs chasing me with knives.
Comment by Mark Treitel — August 19, 2005 @ 2:42 pm
Huh, I was wondering what they were building downtown. Now the mystery of Club P.D. is explained!
Comment by Daniel — August 19, 2005 @ 3:06 pm
LMAO @ big white suppository!!! And since someone already beat me at the huge mashed potato bust, I guess it’s time to call all the neighborhood kids over for a mashed potato bust eating party. It’s really too bad. The sight of it would have brought tears to your eyes Pauly. Tears I tell ya!
Comment by groovebunny — August 20, 2005 @ 10:55 am