I Am Afraid of Losing At Thumb Wars
August 18th, 2005
The Ancient Greeks who were fearful of competing in the Coliseum were the very same historical folks who invented Thumb Wars.
A relatively cheap sport to take part in (can you say ‘free’?), thumb wrestling has always been an innocent game for children and wimps who are afraid of man-eating lions, but has (over time) taken on a variety of other meanings. Whether it has become a dating ice-breaker between two people desperate to touch each other or as a way to solve petty arguments in the workplace…thumb wrestling is the end all be all of non-threatening physical force.
And I am deathly afraid of losing at such a game.
Here’s the thing: it’s one thing to lose your arm or leg while battling a hulking beast in a Roman Coliseum. It’s one thing to go down crying as you twist your knee in an intense battle on the basketball court. It’s perfectly normal to scream out in pain as a paint-ball slams into your face and splatters bright yellow all over and up into your nose. Football, rugby, soccer, hockey, even the maddeningly precise game of darts — these are all skill-related, physically or mentally challenging athletic endeavors that require some bit of talent, coordination and speed.
Thumb wars does not.
Grab your opponent’s hand, pulling it close, interlocking your fingers with theirs except for your thumb. Your thumb sits high above the flesh-fingered court, dancing in mid air with your opponents, as you proclaim in sing-songy goodness:
“One two three four, let’s have a thumb war.
Six seven eight nine, first to three — the loser can’t whine.
Ten eleven twelve and more, if you win you’ll settle the score.
Cause thumb war stars this minute right now, if you lose don’t have a cow.
Or something like that.
Then, the two of you battle until one person has pinned the other person’s thumb for at least three seconds, declaring such person as the winner.
I see an inherent problem (for me) in a game that requires no skill whatsoever, and yet continues to be a game that I cannot win. Whether it’s you with your Over the Top, Sylvester Stallone-esque thumb-reaching high above my thumb move or your “my thumb is dead, oh no look it’s actually alive and now it’s got you pinned” tricky-ass maneuver or the classic “let me rub my thumb against the base of your thumb to give you the willies and either cause you to quit altogether or lose based on the thumbs’ sexual tension” — you’ve got me at every turn.
Whether you stand up from your chair, moving around like you’re suddenly dacing at LA’s classic Roxbury club or if you start slinging put-downs and insults in an attempt to disrupt my concentration. It will work. It will totally work. I will totally lose.
And worse than your idiotic schemes that help you win game after game after game, is the fact that I have (once again) lost at Thumb Wars.
What am I, totally uncoordinated?
I am happy to tell my family that I lost my fencing match or that I came close to beating my opponent in a game of chess. I am overjoyed to regurge the play-by-play of that amazing one-on-one b-ball game I played over the weekend. I am happy to admit my defeat in a particularly winding game of raquetball. But thumb wrestling?
It’s just too damn depressing. It’s like having to tell someone you lost at that classic game where you make a football out of paper then hold up your hands like the field goal and see if you can rack up some points — which you can’t. It’s like having a bubble blowing competition and not being able to blow a bubble. It’s like rock, paper, scissors and a full-blown karaoke competition in the privacy of your own home. Hell, it’s like shuffleboard. Yes, I don’t mind saying it. Shuffleboard is gay, too.
But mostly because I can’t win at any of these damn games.
So take your well-manicured nails and your stretchy-thumb wrestling gloves… Take your holier than thou, “my thumb is the L.A. county champion” proclimations… Remove that, home-made “Thumb…Yum!” t-shirt that’s supposed to make me fearful that “your thumb will eat my thumb for dinner in the upcoming match”… And leave me alone.
For me, and my thumb — we ain’t playin’ today.
—
In other news, tomorrow brings us yet another edition of “Words For Your Enjoyment” — where you submit the idea, and we steal it. Yeah, I’m spent. I really can’t come up with any cool metaphors for it today. So sue me!
excellent date ice-breaker! but i also despise that game because i cannot win, and typically my thumb is a bit roughed up in the end. but i’m a girl and i can whine about it.
you just seem gay. i feel for you, darling.
Comment by kristine — August 18, 2005 @ 8:01 am
I’ll have you know I’m extremely proficient at Connect Four.
Comment by Pauly D — August 18, 2005 @ 8:08 am
Very funny! You discuss the most odd things that suddenly seem quite interesting! I can’t win at thumb wars either. But I think I could kick ass in Connect Four! Hope your birthday was fun, did you do something exceptionally exciting?
P.S. You can continue on my safety issues I discussed in my post today if you want subject material for tomorrow. I bet you could come up with some funny stuff.
Comment by Christa — August 18, 2005 @ 8:16 am
ohhh- connect four was my favorite! well, that and hungry hippo.
Comment by ms. sizzle — August 18, 2005 @ 8:30 am
Yes, but can your thumb bitch-slap the opposing digit? I. think. not.
Comment by purpletwinkie — August 18, 2005 @ 8:35 am
Thumb wars: the one sport my wife can always kick my butt at. ARGH!!!!
Comment by monkeyinabox — August 18, 2005 @ 8:47 am
You know much of phalangeal feud. The thumb war chant beyond four? Damn! Don’t knock yourself dude, you’re hardcore!
But can you double-dutch?
Comment by Darrel — August 18, 2005 @ 9:11 am
What happened to five in the song?
Comment by Keith — August 18, 2005 @ 9:12 am
Don’t worry about losing at Thumb Wars. Take pleasure in knowing that you rock at Connect Four…and I would probably guess that you rock at Boggle, too. Maybe even Yahtzee.
Comment by Amy Steier — August 18, 2005 @ 9:16 am
I think you just need proper training. You need to find your Mr. Mr. Miyagi, maybe practice some thumb sweeps while waxing his mustache. After embracing your cultural differences, there will be a short montage of you training and sweating in tights to a great ’80s soundtrack and then you’ll be ready to take on the big thumbs. You can do it, champ!
Comment by Charlie — August 18, 2005 @ 9:18 am
I never won either, and back in middle school when everyone was playing thumb wars with everyone else, this was cause for extreme embarrassment. It’s probably because I have a double-jointed thumb.
Comment by Sara White — August 18, 2005 @ 9:50 am
I don’t like thumb wars either. Because I have small hands and unless I’m warring against a six-year-old (who would probably still beat me), my opponent’s hands will be bigger and I will lose. And I hate to lose. It’s another one of my endearing quirks.
Comment by Amber — August 18, 2005 @ 9:58 am
I think it’s, traditionally, a girl’s game.
Which makes me feel even more depressed now that I really sit and think about it.
Comment by Pauly D — August 18, 2005 @ 10:09 am
no way dude. a kids game, maybe, but definitely not girls’. we invent much cooler things like, um…mud wrestling? wait, scratch that. twister? eh, prolly not that either. lemme get back to you on this one.
Comment by kristine — August 18, 2005 @ 10:14 am
Dude, maybe if you did some strength-training on the Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots you could get back in the game? Because we hate it when you take your marbles and go home.
Comment by Meg — August 18, 2005 @ 10:35 am
what scares me are these new pumped-up playstation thumbs these kids have now…they’re like the Shaqs of thumb-wrestling.
Comment by meme — August 18, 2005 @ 10:46 am
I, too, have a pretty solid losing streak in regards to thumb wars, and I have hardly any excuse, because you would think that a (approximately quarter-)lifetime of video games would build my thumbs’ strength and agility considerably.
I did win a “Fastest Typist” competition once though, so my thumbs must be pretty good at slamming down that space bar.
Comment by Will — August 18, 2005 @ 11:17 am
i would be more afraid of the x-box live thumbs over the playstation thumbs any day.
Comment by danielle — August 18, 2005 @ 11:37 am
Thumb wrestling is the most unfair of sports. Whoever has the bigger thumb always wins. It should be made illegal.
Comment by Neil — August 18, 2005 @ 11:41 am
Um–one, two, three, four. Then six, seven, eight, nine? Is five no longer a number?
Comment by Hilary — August 18, 2005 @ 1:28 pm
i masturbate frequently. and i always win.
Comment by Alex Blagg — August 18, 2005 @ 2:09 pm
I cracked up from just the headline of this one. FWIW, to highlight a regional difference, in the backwoods of suburban New Jersey, we called it “Thumb Wrestling.” So imagine decorating your thumb with rubber bands and calling it “Cap’n Lou.” Not that we did that. But that’s the image I’m getting now.
Comment by Esther — August 18, 2005 @ 2:37 pm
My favorite strategy was a quick, right-out-of-the-gates maneuver:
“1, 2, 3, 4, I declare a thumb war”
“5, 6, 7, 8, I use this hand to masturbate!”
As your opponent recoils in utter horror, you proceed to pin their helpless thumb. Oh, and +1 for the sexual tension strategy.
Comment by Glen C. — August 18, 2005 @ 2:44 pm
Personally, I wouldn’t want my guy injuring his thumb in a bloody war — there are much better uses for it.
Comment by Becky — August 18, 2005 @ 2:54 pm
I never win either, but thats because my hands are the size of a five year olds. But then I get to cheat by using my other fingers because I’m cute and a woman.
Comment by Lauren — August 18, 2005 @ 5:17 pm
I like to think of your thumb as this very cultured aesthete, who has his own interests, which aren’t wrestling. I like to think that your thumb likes to go see plays and concerts. I like the idea of your thumb, say, taking a watercolor class, or a class in Baroque Art History. Maybe your thumb is working on a novel.
Those other thumbs will be serving your thumb FRIES some day.
Comment by Tina — August 18, 2005 @ 6:21 pm
i’m at a loss for words.
Comment by jenny — August 18, 2005 @ 7:12 pm
Jenny? At a loss for words?
This is something that makes me question the Universe, Life and Absolutely Everything.
Comment by Pauly D — August 18, 2005 @ 7:15 pm
OK OK… well i have words now…
i bet you have better talents than thumb wrestling
Comment by jenny — August 18, 2005 @ 8:46 pm
There’s only one way to win at thumb wrestling and that’s to cheat. Well at least it is for me since I have small hands. What always works is digging your finger nails into your opponents hands right off the bat. Makes them forget that they even have a thumb as they’re screaming in horror. lol Also, kicking them in the shin at the start of the match is also very effective if you don’t have nails long enough to inflict pain.
Comment by groovebunny — August 18, 2005 @ 9:46 pm
i won a boyfriend once by winning at thumb wars.
those were the days . . .
Comment by kris — August 19, 2005 @ 4:36 am
the perfect game for high testosterone men who are tired of all the other phallic games
Comment by The Moviequill — August 19, 2005 @ 6:04 am