The Darker Side of Toothpicks
August 16th, 2005
The story is always the same.
After a meal of some kind, usually involving chicken or pulled pork or stringy vegetables — whether in your home or out at a restaurant, you feel the need to pick up a toothpick and begin your work. Flicking and picking and pulling and bending and jamming and grabbing and scratching and scraping.
The sucking sounds and the visuals are bad enough — but not not worse than the thought that enters my head… That you are picking food that you ate over the last hour, out of your teeth, then consuming the tiny pieces you find (like a treasure hunter) in a dance that some have called (yes, I know this is so insane of them to say) “unsanitary.”
From the sanitary standpoint, toothpicks have got to be the worst idea on the face of the Earth. While it may be a shade better than jamming your fingers in your mouth and trying to suck pieces of corn out of your teeth — the fact that you’re using a tool to dislodge food particles which you will most often swallow after finding them, has got to be the most disgusting activity on the face of the Earth.
But even more disgusting than the fact that people participate in an activity such as this millions of times over the course of a day in the World, is the fact that a company called Swiss Army has seen fit to create a plastic toothpick accessory in their Swiss Army knives. An accessory that encourages the user to pick wet chewed food out of their teeth, suck the remaining crumbs off the tip, then place the plastic pick back into a metallic womb so the remaining food particles can fester and grow in preparation for its next use!
Really, it’s quite exciting.
But even worse than the toothpick food picking non-sanitary dance of your gums, is the fact that there are people who do not use toothpicks for food hunting, but instead have decided that walking around with a toothpick hanging from their mouth provides them with some image that they want to present to the world.
Hi. My name is Ed. And I like toothpicks.
When you see someone with a toothpick hanging from their mouth and they’re not using it for picking food out but simply allowing it to hang from their lips — what do you think about this person? Do you immediately wonder if they know how to drive a tractor? Do you suddenly think that they must have spent some time learning how to be a taxadermist? Do you suppose that they know how to ride a horse? Is it possible that they are re-building the engine of a 1959 Mustang in their garage? Or maybe they’re just big fans of 1950’s movies where people surfed and stayed out past their curfew?
With the two image options available to the toothpick user (unsanitary foodpicker or wannabe rebel/car restorer/horserider) — I can confidently say that there is a darker side to toothpicks, and it’s not one that I choose to be a part of.
Toothpicks? P-shaw!
I say nay.
yes, i’m with you paul…they even have mint flavored toothpicks. maybe it’s a larger part of the tobacco conspiracy that has yet to be discovered.
before we know it, people will be flossing at the dinner table.
Comment by kristine — August 16, 2005 @ 8:25 am
When I see someone with a toothpick hanging out of their mouth I know for a fact that person says “warsh” instead of “wash” and it makes me shudder.
Comment by Andie — August 16, 2005 @ 8:29 am
They do say “warsh” don’t they?
Comment by Pauly D — August 16, 2005 @ 8:30 am
Here’s an interesting tidbit of info for you. The toothpick is the object most choked on by people. Yuck!
Comment by Amy Steier — August 16, 2005 @ 8:47 am
Picking your teeth in public is as disgusting as blowing your nose. Why do people think this is okay? They can sit there and actually continue their conversation as if it didn’t happen while you are trying desperately to control the gag reflex in your throat. Oh God, I just made myself sick. Excuse me …
Comment by nic — August 16, 2005 @ 9:04 am
I usually assume that if someone walks around with a toothpick hanging out of their mouth, their reaction to situations they don’t understand (and there are many) is to say “Sheeeeeeeeeeet.”
Comment by Amber — August 16, 2005 @ 9:36 am
I’m on board with the idea that watching someone use a toothpick is disgusting. I am also following the argument that people who purposely walk around with a toothpick in their mouths with no discernable purpose are a little left of desirable.
This is my question though. If people aren’t using toothpicks after a meal, do you think it’s better that they walk around with nasty food particles in their teeth? I’m thinking that if I’m on a date, we go out for dinner, then maybe a movie, then drinks, and 4 hours after we’ve eaten, he walks me to my door and leans in for a kiss with a huge piece of pulled pork stuck right there in his tooth. I’m wishing for a toothpick right there. I’d much rather have him scraping that crap out of his mouth then the alternative. Just a thought.
Comment by Natalie — August 16, 2005 @ 9:38 am
Well, Natalie — if you can be happy on a date with a guy picking food out of his teeth with a toothpick, then more power to ya!
I guess the real question is — which is worse on a date? A guy using a toothpick or a guy sucking food out or a guy who brings his toothbrush to dinner?
Comment by Pauly D — August 16, 2005 @ 9:40 am
this is why i’m anorexic.
Comment by kristine — August 16, 2005 @ 9:50 am
Bring the brush.
Comment by nic — August 16, 2005 @ 9:54 am
A smart dater, of either gender, chooses his/her meal wisely.
That is to say, one must steer clear of the cracked peppercorns and poppy seeds and any other possible in-between teeth sticker uppers.
This I learned from a cousin who tried to pick up a waitress with black beans stuck in his teeth.
Comment by C Ro — August 16, 2005 @ 10:08 am
Your entry reminded me immediately of the bowling alley lothario “Pal” in Uncle Buck.
Comment by Meg — August 16, 2005 @ 10:14 am
I once knew a man who was a sound engineer. He would go to shows and record the performances for the bands. He didn’t use a toothpick to clean his teeth, but he did sit out in the middle of the crowd and floss his teeth for all to see. He got so excited, he would offer the people standing next to him some of his floss.
“Would you like some floss?” he would ask grinning heartily.
“Uh, no,” we would say eyeing the used floss draped around his fingers covered in little bits of plaque and food.
“You’re missing out!” He would grin and go back to work.
So I feel your pain on this one, Paul. It’s disgusting.
Comment by Daniel — August 16, 2005 @ 10:45 am
I married my high school sweetheart, so I never really dated. However, if I was to go back into that world, I think I’d carry floss with me on a date. That way I could run to the bathroom, get the food out of my teeth, and not totally embarrass myself. And I wouldn’t mind if a guy brushed his teeth on the date, although I’d rather he didn’t tell me about it.
Comment by Laura — August 16, 2005 @ 10:57 am
Leave the toothpicks to professional wrestlers. They look better with them.
Comment by Amy Steier — August 16, 2005 @ 11:04 am
Amen Pauly, amen. I think the public use of toothpicks is just gross *gag*
Comment by amandarin — August 16, 2005 @ 12:01 pm
Laugh at toothpicks all you want, but a toothpick once saved my life. Once, after enjoying a good meal at the Olive Garden, I went to the parking lot with a toothpick in my mouth. Suddenly I was surrounded by five masked hoodlums, all with machetes. They hated my blog and wanted revenge. Luckily, I whipped the toothpick out and stabbed one in the arm, flung it into the eye of another, it bounced back and I stood with the toothpick out, the streetlight beaming down on it. “Do you want any more of this?!” I asked the hoodlums. They dropped their machetes and ran like hell onto Pacific Coast Highway.
The toothpick — my hero.
Comment by Neil — August 16, 2005 @ 12:21 pm
You are SO lying, Neil. I heard it wasn’t a toothpick at all, but a rocket launcher.
Comment by Pauly D — August 16, 2005 @ 12:46 pm
i would agree about the toothpick usage though i think it is a far cry better to have a person remove unsightly bits of pesto or broccoli (i have a thing against green foods in people’s teeth) with a toothpick or what-have-you than to sit there in front of you clueless while you try not to laugh or cry at their misfortune. but me, i am one of those people who detest gum chewing, so maybe i am not one to chime in. i think people look like idiots when they chew gum.
Comment by ms. sizzle — August 16, 2005 @ 12:50 pm
Once again, a post has made me want to make out with you/marry you/sell you to my best friend.
Before I even got that far, the Swiss Army Pick came into my head. Ugh. Worse than an open bowl of diner mints.
Comment by kris — August 16, 2005 @ 1:20 pm
I’ve always thought of chewing toothpicks as a healthy alternative to smoking cigarettes, but I see now that there is nothing healthy about toothpicks.
Thank you for opening my eyes yet again, Paul.
Comment by Will — August 16, 2005 @ 1:29 pm
My ex actually went so far as to order some special toothpicks online. I think they were made of bamboo or something, and they smelled like Listerine. He would pull them out at the oddest times too, like when he was sitting in front of the TV with no food in sight. I don’t know where he found out about them, or why he felt it necessary to spend money on things you can get for free in every restaurant in America, but that’s when I knew he wasn’t the future father of my children.
Comment by Hope — August 16, 2005 @ 1:36 pm
There is only one possible saving grace for the toothpick — and I have already patented the idea so I can share it with you here today.
Edible toothpicks
Made from the best dried-foods, it is formed in the shape of a toothpick so when you bite down into that italian sandwich, instead of piercing your gums with a sharp wooden stick, you can take a bite out of the salami toothpick, or the olive toothpick, et al.
It’s a great idea. Way ahead of its time. And a bastard to troubleshoot. Oh well.
Comment by Pauly D — August 16, 2005 @ 2:02 pm
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew.
You have effectively caused me three of the symptoms I need Pepto Bismol for.
That sucking sound is the worst. And why do people think that covering their mouth while they do this makes it any less disgusting and rude?
Comment by Helena — August 16, 2005 @ 3:57 pm
Hi everyone, i think it’s kind of funny:)
Comment by Eath — August 16, 2005 @ 5:05 pm
hey, up yours dude! i LOVE toothpicks. so if you’re just gonna get on the internet and hate on toothpicks, then you’re a big jerk. they happen to be extremely valuable hygenic tools, thank you very much - especially the cinammon-flavored ones! i can’t believe you would denigrate such helpful, innocent little sticks of wood.
you’re a real jerk, buddy.
Comment by Alex Blagg — August 16, 2005 @ 5:09 pm
diddy, you are entirely responsible for all of these food aversions i have aquired of late. i especially blame you for the problem i have with food wrapped in food. dangit, now you’re harping on oothpicks.
i might have to stop reading your blog before i become totally OCD and destroy my beautiful teeth because the fact that there is gross food particles stuck in my gums is FAR outweighed by the horror of using a toothpick to dig said gross particles of food out.
Comment by heather — August 16, 2005 @ 5:29 pm
While Alex was wrong to call our host a jerk, you have to admire the bravery to come into a vehemently anti-toothpick area as an out-and-proud toothpick user.
That said, the whole toothpick idea creeps me out so desperately that I could barely read the post.
You have to admire MY bravery for coming back to comment!
Comment by Tina — August 16, 2005 @ 5:48 pm
What I find amazing is that Pauly can take us anywhere. Right now … we are in between teeth.
Whoooooosh … it’s like 323 B.C. all over again!
Comment by nic — August 16, 2005 @ 6:54 pm
I would like to address this comment to the toothpick lover up a few comments named Alex Blagg.
It is obvious to me that he loves toothpicks so much that he would probably kill his firstborn for a box of them. These toothpick lovers must be eradicated! If I saw a toothpick lover on the street, I would totally kick them in the shin. Seriously.
You should do the same.
Eat that, Blagg!
Comment by Pauly D — August 16, 2005 @ 7:23 pm
After every meal, my sister sucks on a toothpick like a truck drivin’ long-haul lesbian. So glad we live in different states.
Comment by purpletwinkie — August 16, 2005 @ 7:32 pm
My friend gave me the “advice” that if I don’t have a toothpick, I should take out my earring out and use the post to get stuff out of my teeth… Eeew, I will never be borrowing jewelry from this friend, ever!
Comment by danielle — August 16, 2005 @ 8:00 pm
toothpicks.
lol!
i think congress enjoyed reading that one!
Comment by Erin — August 16, 2005 @ 8:25 pm
for fucks sake, alex blagg, everyone is entitled to their opinion. i really don’t get the whole toothpick thing, i’d rather use floss…but to each his own! and pauly, i agree why put it in your mouth if you are just gonna chew on it all day? gum or mints are a much better option than chewing the toothpick so much that you have shards of wood stabbing your gums and a mouth full of splinters.
Comment by jenny — August 16, 2005 @ 11:59 pm
lol, comon now. I mean sure, doing it in public is pretty gross, but I see nothing wrong with eating the bits of food that get stuck in your teeth. It’s not as if you’re diving through the garbage can eating other people’s leftovers.
It’s just food that you had already stuck in your mouth and attempted to eat.
Or is eating gross too?
Comment by Viper007Bond — August 17, 2005 @ 12:17 am
Um, this post actually made me sick to my stomach. But it could also be the undercooked quiche I just ate…
Comment by Lauren — August 17, 2005 @ 7:15 am
I like breaking the toothpick in half, kind of peeling it apart to create a new thin-sharp sliver that slides easily between the teeth. Kind of a pick-floss hybrid.
The problem is when that piece breaks off between your teeth and now the food in there has some wood to keep it company- I hate that.
Comment by Mark K — August 17, 2005 @ 7:33 am
I have these Toothpicks at home…but they are only for parties.
Comment by meme — August 17, 2005 @ 8:06 am
Just keeping telling yourself that, meme.
Just keep telling yourself that.
Comment by Pauly D — August 17, 2005 @ 8:09 am
Toothpicks are gross and I, too, have seen a great many people just grab one and chew on it as they walk out of the restaurant. Why didn’t they order dessert? Why don’t they have floss dispensers in bathrooms to save the forests? And what’s up with individually wrapped toothpicks? Lovely writing, btw!
Comment by Darrel — August 17, 2005 @ 8:09 am
I always tell my girlfriend that the key to happiness is keeping a stash of toothpicks in the car. Sure beats trying to slip that Taco Bell receipt between your teeth while you’re driving.
I’ve explained this to several girlfriends over the years, it seems. They never believe it.
Comment by Mark K — August 17, 2005 @ 1:47 pm
Hi toothpick people. I am a student studying advertising…my brief is to sell toothpicks to people with no teeth…any ideas? help!
Comment by kyle — October 31, 2005 @ 6:35 am
I can understand the dislike for the Swiss Army “toothpick”, But i do not understand the outlash again your everyday wooden toothpick.
Your picking food out of your mouth that you where just eating, there is nothing wronge with that. I can understand how the sucking and what not could be gross, personally I don’t do that.
Toothpicks are made in sterile invironments (assuming you use an actual toothpick, not a sliver of wood) And packaged individually, so I have a hard time understanding the idea of them being “discusting”
Also, the thoughts that a toothpick user is somehow less of a person, or more white trash, thats just rediculous. That’s like saying a black person is going to steal your wallet or a mexican is lazy. Grow the fuck up.
Also, there was no such thing as a Mustang in 1959. Try not to look like a bigger idiot when you are spouting off against a tool that keeps the hot guy you want to make out with from having a piece of pork tickeling your tongue while your tongues make love.
It is fairly obvious you honostly have no idea what you are talking about when it comes to toothpicks, or “country life” that you seem to enjoy making fun of so much.
Comment by Pooge P — June 7, 2006 @ 7:56 am
I had seen a special on 20/20, dateline or some other type show that claims each toothpick has a certain amount of urine it. from people coming out of the rest room and handling the toothpicks.
Also there is no such thing as a 59 Mustang. They were not made until 65.
Comment by Bill — July 1, 2006 @ 6:26 pm
You have all overlooked the fact that toothpicks can be useful for people trying to quit smoking, specifically flavored toothpicks. When I quit smoking I used cinnamon-flavored toothpicks as a replacement for a cigarettes, in conjunction with the nicotine patch. I used them for about 2 weeks and kept my use of them at home only. I found it to be effective and it was certainly much less disgusting than a cigarette.
As a side note, much of these posted comments condemning toothpicks seems to be from the typical urban or suburban snobbery bent. You know, it’s all relative. For example, I find obnoxious public cell phone usage or anyone with one of those wireless devices attached to their ear to be very disgusting and much more reflective of bad manners and obnoxious behavior than a toothpick hanging out of one’s mouth.
Comment by Mark — July 5, 2006 @ 5:45 am
I think people are way too uptight. It’s a goddamn toothpick and it serves its purpose. It’s unsanitary? Well then I suppose leaving food lodged in between your teeth to sit and allow bacteria to build is cleanly. Of course you can try sucking it out but the simple truth is this- most of the time that’s not enough- so i say get the hell over it. IT’s kinda gross- yeah but it’s not that serious and most people don’t get all uppity about it. I think i’d be more put off after a date if someone didn’t use one rather than if they had.
Also, flavored toothpicks taste good and if you have an oral fixation they’re pefect for keeping your mouth in check I.E keeping one from nailbiting. I don’t make any assumptions of anyone with a toothpick hanging out of their mouth- its like making an assumption fo seeing someone eat sunflower seeds. Come on people, grow the hell up.
Comment by Rhonda — November 1, 2006 @ 10:20 am
I totally agree. Toothpicks have their purpose… But just use it and it’s done. I hate the toothpick-dangling thing. What the hell is the purpose ? To look good ? To feel confident ? What the hell could a person possibly be getting out of that. Now as for nailbiting, i’d say dunk your fingers in some cayenne-pepper drenched water every morning. Or get the hell over your other stupid-ass habit in the first place. Why not bite your nails, gnaw on a toothpick, smack/slurp on some gum, pick your nose and sniffle, ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
It’s all annoying. Grownups don’t pick their noses (at least in public) and yet toothpick abuse and gum-slopping is perfectly normal. So, Rhonda… Grow The Hell Up.
Comment by Jake McNerd — January 7, 2007 @ 12:40 pm
I agree with Rhoda… seriously guys, grow up. It is more sanitary to remove the food than leaving it in your teeth. I prefer if people take the minute or two to get the stuff out, rather than having to stare at it while they talk…
also, some people hang toothpicks in their mouth as a quitting-smoking aid. much better a toothpick than a cigarette dangling from my lips…
finally, jesus!! if you guys are so frigid about toothpicks, how do you ever manage to have sex? or give head? you guys must be like dead fish in the bedroom… relax a little… smoke a little weed, if you must… drink a bottle of tequilla… just chill… it is JUST a toothpick… if you chill out, LIFE IS A LOT MORE FUN… !!
Comment by Qwerty25 — January 10, 2007 @ 7:14 am
You fucking people need to get a life and quit worrying about damn people and toothpicks.
Eat whatever the hell you want. If you get something in your teeth and it bothers you go get it in the restroom.
Comment by Steve — May 19, 2008 @ 9:35 am
Steve - You bring up a very important point. People often spend too much time shoving life to the side while worrying about the little things (i.e. toothpicks).
Isn’t it time we all just live? Even if we’ve got parsley stuck in our teeth?
I say yes.
Comment by Pauly D — May 19, 2008 @ 9:42 am
what a bunch of crybabies. Some people have oral fixations and habits that they are trying to cut and toothpicks can help them and are not a bad alternative to smoking or chewing gum, at least it doesn’t ruin your teeth. If it makes you sick to see it, you are free to turn away or leave the room. Personally, hearing people complain about public use of toothpicks just tells me that you do not have enough real problems in your life. I bet you’re the same people who walk around with cans of Lysol to disinfect toilet seats before use, man-up and get over it.
Comment by sam — June 25, 2008 @ 9:35 am