Words for My Enjoyment

Today’s Prognosis on ‘Proved in University Testing’ Graphics

August 14th, 2005

You’ve seen the commercials.

Whether it’s the Ab Lounger or the Cranial Ab Cruncher or the Stomach Somnabulistizer or the Electrode Fat Burner or any other insane stupid piece of equipment that will further make you feel like it’s OK to still not go to the gym — they all make sure you’re aware of one very important piece of technical information.

This product’s ability to work has been proven in University testing.

And when the announcer utters those famous words, the screen always switches to a shot of someone, in a lab coat, sitting in front of a computer, where they gaze at a computer screen usually filled with some kind of graph or sound-wave from an MP3 software program or a pie chart or a bio-rhythmesque kind of graphic. Some kind of silly looking, quick cut glimpse at a not-so-professional statistical image that should, if they are lucky, make you say to yourself:

Wow. It must really work.
They’ve really done their research!
Hey, did you see that bell curve?
Finally, a stomach-weight electrode thing that is endorsed by smart folks!

I think that it’s time to get rid of the cheesy quick-cut graphical imagery and supplant such images with much more useful and progressive options. I think it’s time for such commercials, if they are really intent on convincing the public that such technology will really work should instead incorporate a more successful game plan.

Perhaps if the public is still buying such products after being convinced by silly “University testing” graphs and bell curves, that they would be even more convinced with other things?

Perhaps an animated cartoon character can pop on screen in a kind of Who Framed Roger Rabbit way and say, “As a cartoon character, my abs often go weeks without stimulation. But as you can see from looking at my colorful torso, this product REALLY DOES WORK!”

Perhaps a commercial can be released in which the screen stays PITCH BLACK throughout the entire’s announcer’s commentary who is saying, “You don’t see the Muscle Metabolizer, and that means it really really works!”

Perhaps the Bicep BAM-a-lizer can simply illustrate how well it works by showing one guy punching the hell out of another guy? I mean, isn’t some guy kicking another guy’s ass a little more convincing that the product works than showing me a stupid University computer graph?

I think so.

As a result, on this Sunday, in the month of August, on the day they call the fourteenth — yours truly would like to officially announce that the Prognosis on “Proved in University Testing” Graphics ain’t just “not good” — it’s hilariously depressingly really damn bad.

And just so you know, such a prognosis has indeed been endorsed by University testing.

Really, I swear.

Posted under Commercials, Prognosis. |