Words For Your Enjoyment: No-Manner Car Snakes
August 5th, 2005
If only the days of the week meant what they sounded like they were supposed to mean.
You know, Sunday would always have the greatest sunny weather. Saturday would be all about how you sat on your ass and watched TV. And Friday — well, someone should be cookin’ up some good eats if you know what I mean.
But alas, here at WFME — we ARE cookin’ up some good eats for the mind (god, the connective tissue of this post so far has even impressed me!), serving up yet another edition of our famous (and often ordered) “Words For Your Enjoyment.”
This week, WFME pal Nate wrote, “When you are driving, and you politely let someone in front of you that is looking to merge, you’ve done a service to them, you are a humantarian, a decent human being, a saint if you will. And what do they do? Nothing. No wave, no mouthing of a “thank you,” nothing. That makes me want to get back in front of them, cut them off, not let them exit, move forward…anything, all the while flicking them off. Maybe it’s road rage or maybe it’s deserve for acknowledgment. Fuck.”
Now, now Nate. Let’s not get all caught up in a twist here.
The fact of the matter is this: we all believe that we are GOD on the roads. In fact, 99% of drivers these days assume that if we let someone pull out from a driveway and into the road in front of us, or we wave someone through a stop sign or we allow someone to merge into our lane from an on ramp instead of crashing into the divider as an alternative — that we should be hailed as the god of the road. Just like Nate, I too have felt this need for acknowledgement after giving someone a free pass into my lane, or making them aware of their ever-blinking signal, or even after waving to tell them that YES they can turn into oncoming traffic and cross into the other lane because there is no traffic coming (they can’t see because of the truck blocking their eye line).
Fifty percent of the time, you get a wave. A silent, incoherent, mouthed “thank you.” A nod. But the other fifty percent of the time, just like Nate suggests, drivers assume that other drivers SHOULD let them in. That they SHOULD wave them through. That it’s just a part of road etiquette. It’s enough to drive you crazy. You didn’t have to let them in. You could have let them fend for themselves…
Here’s a perfect metaphor: If I was lost in the Old West and you were lost in the Old West — and the two of us were on our horses and we were both traveling towards each other… And you weren’t looking behind you and I saw a bunch of Indians slowly creeping up behind you about to scalp you and I gave you this huge big wave and mouthed, “Watch out, those Indians are about to scalp you!” and you quickly turned around and escaped your death — I would expect a thank you. You would expect to give a thank you. In fact, in some cultures you would have to be my servant for the rest of your life.
What’s so different about me letting you merge onto the freeway? If I don’t let you in– you’ll most likely crash into the divider or another car, causing an accident and possible injury.
See?
There’s honestly no way to reason with drivers — they’re all GOD in their own vehicles and they don’t bow to anyone. That’s why, in my world, I don’t let anyone in. I call them no-manner car snakes — those people who snake their way into a line of cars that have been waiting for miles to get off an exit. I refuse to let them in. I will even speed up, look forward (you can’t have any eye contact) and turn up my music. The same goes for parking spots in parking lots.
Hum, hum, hum, I don’t seeeeeeeeee you. Doop dee doop, I am blindly driving into this spot you parking lot snake!
Now that I’m really thinking about it — I don’t really let anyone get a leg up over me when I’m driving around town. Because it’s not about DEFENSIVE driving…it’s about OFFENSIVE driving. It’s about being right, being first, and being faster. And my lead foot will beat yours any day of the week.
Want to merge in front of me? Suck it! You should have planned this ahead of time. What do you think merging means? It means you speed up so you can meet the flow of traffic!? That means, I shouldn’t have to slow down just to let you in. You figure it out. And if you hit me from behind, you’d better have insurance because we all know that when you hit someone from behind, it’s always your fault.
Want me to wave you through the four way stop sign just because we all stopped there at the same time? Stop this! There’s a thing in this world called perception — and if you had any you’d be able to figure out who came to a full stop first. Which was me. And that means I go first. And after I’ve stopped first, don’t try to sneak a FREE WAVE by waving me through when I already should be going first anyway. That’s like knowing you’re going to lose the big game, and pretending that you let the other team win just to make yourself feel better. I say, step off loser.
Want me to let you move from that lane going straight so you can snake in front of me into my turning lane? Apologetic that you forgot you had to turn left. That’s called a lack of forethought. That’s called, get a GPS system to help walk you through your daily driving process if you can’t figure out when to turn on your own. You think I’m gonna let you in just because you feign stupidity? Sure, shrug your shoulders and pretend there’s that “waaah waaaah wah” sound in the background. It won’t affect me.
Grrrr, I don’t have to be nice to any drivers on the road. Because on MY road, I AM GOD.
—
Yeah, so remember when I told Nate to not get all in a twist over this?
Yeah, strike that.
You just wait till you run into me and my Hummer…survival of the fittest, baby.
(I don’t actually own the Hummer yet, but this has inspired me.)
Comment by meme — August 5, 2005 @ 8:29 am
Lousy drivers. In my book, 99% of the drivers in this world are idiots. I can’t stand it when people drive to the front of a line of car and then expect to be let in. I have a better way a dealing with them. Instead of ignoring them and acting like you don’t see them, smile at them and wave while block there attempt to merge. If they honk or give you the finger, smile wider and just stare at them. It will drive them nuts. Maybe even give them the slight hope that you will be letting them get over, and then speed up and block them at the last second.
Comment by Dave — August 5, 2005 @ 8:36 am
Hi Paul, thanks for stoppign by - you think you love him to death, just wait until he starts smiling; it’ll kill *you*.
Try driving in Paris, their rule is only care about the car infront, it’s the scariest experience ever the cars just nip around everywhere!!
Comment by Sarah — August 5, 2005 @ 8:44 am
You know, the only reason I knew it was Friday today is because it’s WFYE. WFME: Keeping stupid people on schedule since August ‘03!
Yes, some people do read the “about” page.
Comment by Glen C. — August 5, 2005 @ 10:41 am
I prefer driving in LA(besides the freeways) to driving in the NYC area. In LA, when the light turns yellow, there is an understanding that two people turn left. I tell that to people on the East Coast, and they say you’ll get smashed or ticketed. I don’t get it. That system makes a lot of sense to me.
Comment by danielle — August 5, 2005 @ 10:51 am
I don’t know, Danielle… I think that whole “ok it’s yellow now quickly get as many cars through the intersection as quickly as possible” thing is frustrating. They might as well create a fourth color light — BLUE — and after Green, and after Yellow, it goes to BLUE which means, “ok, snakes — make your turn now.”
Then, my sitting there frustrated that I’m still waiting to go even after the light is green, would be gone cause I’m now sitting at a BLUE LIGHT which means, “Hold your horses, people are turning.”
Comment by Pauly D — August 5, 2005 @ 10:56 am
I wish there were a way idiot drivers could get automatic tickets for driving like dipsh*ts.
Comment by Amy Steier — August 5, 2005 @ 1:04 pm
I like to tailgate people on highways. Some people call it reckless. I like to call it shrewd. If I tailgate a car going the same speed I want to go, there’s no chance a slower car will get in front of me and slow my ass down!
Comment by Hope — August 5, 2005 @ 1:48 pm
Thank you sir, that was a terrific and fulfilling read.
Comment by Nathan Best — August 5, 2005 @ 1:49 pm
I’m such a sucker. I let everyone in. I need to take an assertive driving course at the learning annex.
Comment by Neil — August 5, 2005 @ 1:50 pm
Hope - great work on that tailgating. Really. What freeways do you NOT drive on? And what make and model is your car? And your license plate? And do you have insurance?
Nathan - I do what I can. Thanks for the idea.
And as for you Neil - I think that’s a kick-ass idea. If there’s not a class like that I think YOU should teach it. For free. In your car. On the 405. At night. With bulletproof glass.
Comment by Pauly D — August 5, 2005 @ 1:54 pm
That was great. I always give the wave if someone lets me in, but what pisses me off to no end is when someone will intentionally speed up when they see me coming up to merge. Yes, I’m an offensive driver, a speeder, so I know to keep up. My other favorite is when I’m barreling down a road at 35 mph and someone just decides to pull out of a driveway and cut me off, forcing me to slam on my brakes because they refused to increase their speed to 35 mph — and added to it, no one was even behind me so all they had to do was wait another five seconds. Okay…I’m done;)
Comment by Becky — August 5, 2005 @ 2:21 pm
LA Drivers scare the bejeesus out of me.
Comment by Annabeth Goldstein — August 5, 2005 @ 2:45 pm
what I can’t stand are the drivers who can see that the road ahead is turning into one lane and drive up as FAR AS THEY CAN in the lane that is going to close and then expect me to let them in - when I was prepared and was already in the correct lane all awhile. Screw them, I say!
I don’t know if that is going to make sense to anyone else, but it makes complete sense in my head.
ya know what I’m sayin’, G?
Comment by Dawn (webmiztris) — August 5, 2005 @ 6:52 pm
Only if all the drivers in the world read this?
Comment by shirazi — August 5, 2005 @ 9:31 pm
If you have road rage, you’re welcome in my country. See in Turkey, road rage is a prerequirement to be able to drive. If you don’t intend on running over humans, cats and dogs - you shouldn’t be out driving a car! This is probably one of the reasons I’ve never gotten around to getting a drivers license.
Comment by Idil — August 6, 2005 @ 12:43 am
These are all the reaons I ride a bike. You HAVE to stop for me … unless you want to pay the settlement that Lord knows I could use. Go ahead, hit me!
Comment by nic — August 6, 2005 @ 7:56 am
hey, thanks for stopping by my blog. Yours is pretty nice yourself! Hope you are enjoying your weekend!
Comment by steph — August 6, 2005 @ 12:18 pm
I never thought of the days of the week like that. Pretty cool. Now I always will!
Comment by Leesa — August 7, 2005 @ 2:41 pm
And Leesa - don’t forget Twos-Day. Where you, um, do things in twos.
Comment by Pauly D — August 7, 2005 @ 9:57 pm