Nice Guy to Bastard in 180 Degrees
August 4th, 2005
It’s amazing how a little adjustment in your accessories can change who people perceive you to be.
That’s why, for a guy like me who likes to wear hats (not all the time but for the gym and on Sundays when I don’t feel like you know what) the realization that the rotation of how my hat is positioned on my head affects how people treat me and how I, personally, interact with others was a stunning, dramatic realization.
See, when my hat is facing forward (with the bill keeping the sun out of my eyes) things seem pretty normal for me. I’m a little bit sporty, I can run pretty fast if I need to, and I appear as if I’m a pretty laid back kind of guy. It’s all good. You know? Things that happen around me really don’t affect me too much, because I’m the guy who wears his hat forward just like 75% of the rest of baseball hat wearers around the country. (And no, I don’t wear those hats with the huge storage space under the hood — you know the kind that I mean.)
But strangely, with a simple 180 degree rotation of the hat, flipping the bill to the back and sliding the back of the hat to the front of the skull — everything changes.
It seems that people who wear backwards hats are to be feared. They are rebellious and somewhat mysterious. They are to be dealt with very carefully because you never can tell what’s under the hood of a backwards-hat wearing soul. They do things differently, they do things that are possibly harmful to their bodies, and they definitely, totally — are kick ass mofos.
But such widespread declarations are nothing without experimentation. That’s why over the last week I experimented by putting myself in the same situation but wearing the hat both ways. The transcripts below are the fruits of my labor.
(Scenario #1: Hat forwards, buying a toilet brush — at the drug store cashier counter.)
Me: Hi there.
Cashier: Hi. Is this it? Just the toilet brush?
Me: Yeah. Just the toilet brush.
Cashier: Hahaha. That’s so funny.
Me: What’s so funny?
Cashier: Oh, I don’t know. Just, you know, coming in here to buy a toilet brush? Either you’ve got some big toilet issue or, well, you know, you like toilet brushes. Which is sort of strange. Four-twenty, please.
Me: Here.
No respect. Making fun of my purchase. Overall negative experience.
(Scenario #2: Hat backwards, buying a toilet brush — at the drug store cashier counter.)
Me: Hi there.
Cashier: Hi. (Quickly ringing up the brush, but due to trying to ring it up so quickly, the machine is giving her trouble.)
Me: Is there a problem?
Cashier: No. No, no problem. Go ahead, just take it.
Me: Excuse me?
Cashier: Just take it. I won’t tell anyone. Go.
Me: Okay.
Respect…breeds fear. Fear…breeds respect. Respect…means free stuff.
The frontwards/backwards hat coefficent is not simply limited to buying toilet brushes in drug stores (if you must know) — it stretches across the fabric of society, affecting dating, legal negotiations, slip and slide competitions, parties, weddings, bar mitzvahs, wakes, school plays, trips to the Bible belt and much much more. At every turn, the person wearing the backwards hat succeeds in life at a far higher percentage than the knob who wears it forward.
This also goes for people who wear goatees, which is another story altogether.
Nonetheless, I have decided that if I had to choose between nice guy and frontwards hat and feared guy with backwards hat — there’s no question about it. I’m goin’ backwards hat all the way.
Because being feared is the only way to go through life.
—
Tomorrow is Friday. Words For Your Enjoyment. Got an idea for a post? Submit it. You’ll probably regret it, but what the H.
Since I am currently wearing my hat backwards I feel that I can point out a mistake in your post without any lip from you (although if you are wearing you hat backwards, we might need to take this outside). You would be rotating the hat 180 degrees if you turned it from from front to back, not 90 degrees.
What happens if you turn your hat somewhere between 25 and 45 degrees, which seems to be the hip way to wear a hat these days?
I, for one, feel the urge to punch these people in the back of the head.
Comment by Dave — August 4, 2005 @ 9:20 am
I never got the fashion statement of wearing the hat at a 45 degree angle. Make a decision, dude. It’s like the guy wants to be a little dangerous and hip-hop, but still get a good table when dining at the Cheesecake Factory with his mother. You can’t have it both ways!
Comment by Neil — August 4, 2005 @ 9:28 am
Didn’t you know, Dave? People who wear their hats backwards never had to study in algebra.
90 becomes 180.
Comment by Pauly D — August 4, 2005 @ 9:42 am
Yep, that 90 degree thing really had me messed up there for a few lines. The 90 degree rotation makes people react in a very different way. I wouldn’t say it would be in a fearful way, but in a “what a dope” sort of way.
P.S. If a Goatee has a mustache, it’s called a Vandyke.
Comment by Ian — August 4, 2005 @ 9:46 am
Personally, I never could date a guy who couldn’t, from time to time, flip the hat to the back. It didn’t have to be every DAY, mind you, but ya know, sometimes. When he was feelin’ a little saucy…a little adventurous, perhaps.
The “only to the front” prudes. Uh unh. Not for me.
But THAT’S a whole ‘nother post…
Comment by Em — August 4, 2005 @ 9:51 am
For those just joining us — this post used to say 90 degrees and now reads 180 degrees.
Move along, nothing more to see here.
Comment by Pauly D — August 4, 2005 @ 9:52 am
If going to mass scares you, just wear one of those little doilies on your head. You can turn it sideways (or several more degrees if you like) but no one will give you any shit for it. You can slip & slide all the way …
I absolutely loved Scenerio Two … “just take it!”
Comment by nic — August 4, 2005 @ 9:52 am
i think that’s why Kris Kross went the direction they did. notice that, as soon as they stopped wearing their clothing backwards, they plummeted off the charts.
but the real humor here, paulY, is that you messed up!
Comment by kristine — August 4, 2005 @ 10:55 am
FYI - The same thing works when you wear your thong underwear backwards. The store clerks want to wisk you out the door, with no hassels.
Comment by monkeyinabox — August 4, 2005 @ 11:28 am
there is something hot about a guy wearing the hat backwards, but it usually involves moving furniture, cleaning or just generally sweating. i’m not super fond of baseball hats in general and most of the time i make fun of people who wear them, especially those who are so fanatical about their teams that they would give blood for good tickets. i say LIVE LARGE and OFF THE BELLCURVE…wear them inside out!
Comment by jenny — August 4, 2005 @ 11:35 am
In Chicago, if you wear your hat to either side in the wrong neighborhood, you’ll get shot.
Comment by Amy Steier — August 4, 2005 @ 11:37 am
I truly fear that you respect me … simply because I have a brand new toilet brush. (and I took no shit to get it)
Comment by nic — August 4, 2005 @ 11:39 am
eww.
Comment by kristine — August 4, 2005 @ 11:45 am
inside out? backwards? can’t you just wear them normally … like … PLAY BALL!
Comment by nic — August 4, 2005 @ 11:46 am
I can definitely relate to what you’re saying here, and that’s not just because we’re both writers. I find that when I wear my hair straight and smooth, I attract a whole different set of guys than when I wear it in Botticelli-esque curls. Either way though, I always get compliments on my fabulous hair.
I’d love it if you could visit my blog. I just started it with my sister as a way to keep in touch with her (she’s in LA - like you - and I’m in NYC.) Let us know what you think.
Comment by Steph Goldstein — August 4, 2005 @ 12:28 pm
Paul, my sister told me I should come say hi…you know, because I’m a writer….you’re a writer…I’m in LA…you’re in LA.
We should totally have drinks.
Comment by Annabeth Goldstein — August 4, 2005 @ 12:58 pm
No wonder I’ve always had a “thing” for men with backwards baseball caps.
Comment by Becky — August 4, 2005 @ 3:27 pm
Pauly I can totally relate to what you’re saying too! I find when I shave my legs and they’re silky smooth I attract a totally different set of guys than when I don’t shave my legs and they’re Chewbacca-esque. It’s really quite amazing! But not really since I do have fabulous legs to begin with.
Oh and let’s have drinks! Cause you know. You get thirsty. And I get thirsty.
Man where is this evilness coming from tonight??? Ooops! Sorry. I just realized I had my hat on backwards!
Comment by groovebunny — August 4, 2005 @ 11:27 pm
groovebunny - what has hat to do with legs;-)
Comment by shirazi — August 5, 2005 @ 5:49 am
I wonder if this would work for us females too. Wearing our hats backwards and getting free stuff from the grocery store because the cashier freaked out when seeing us. Imagine all the things we could get away with.. Thanks for commenting on my blog
Looking forward to reading from you.
Comment by Idil — August 5, 2005 @ 6:23 am
Shirazi (cool nick by the way), I thought through the comments the topic had progressed to hair and I just took it one step further. lol Anyways, my bad attempt at humor since my funny bone was seriously hampered by the fact my hat was backwards.
Comment by groovebunny — August 5, 2005 @ 7:26 am
When you wear your hat backwards and drive do you ever get the urge to peel out of wherever you are leaving? If you have the hat on backwards and peel out you truly turn into a bad MF. And if you have Foghat cranked on your stereo you become the baddest MF known to man. Try it. You might be surprised with the results!
Comment by Mark — August 5, 2005 @ 6:14 pm
Funny post! Thanks for visiting my blog as well.
I’m a former LA Gal so I know how it goes
Comment by LisaB — August 8, 2005 @ 5:26 am
No, Linda. Thank YOU for visiting MY blog.
Comment by Pauly D — August 8, 2005 @ 7:37 am