Today’s Prognosis on James Van Der Beek and Dog Kissing

Don’t even say it — I am well aware that this whole celebrity/animal thing is infesting Los Angeles.

But how could I keep myself from describing the situation that I witnessed yesterday afternoon at the Valley’s new chain-restaurant hot spot, Le Pain Quotidien? (French!? We must go there because they say it is French food!)

There I was, sitting in a restaurant on the boulevard and trying to eat a wonderful brunch meal when I noticed that sitting at the tables right outside the window was our good Dawson’s Creek friend, James Van Der Beek with his “I don’t like to wear make-up on the weekends and look like a crack whore” wife, Heather McComb.

James has fallen down the ladder of conservativeness since he stopped acting (he stopped acting, hasn’t he?) which was witnessed by his dirty old beard (which is wonderful at catching errant food particles falling from his mouth). But even more disturbing or fascinating than seeing James, seeing James’ beard, or seeing James and his wife eating food (yes, celebrities eat food just like you and me!) was the fact that James Van Der Beek lets his little Yorkshire Terrier tongue kiss him in public.

I am categorically opposed to this.

We have seen jokes about this in the past and in movies and on TV — people so obsessed with loving their dogs that they allow them to you know what (I can’t even bring myself to describe how it looks) without any concern for sanitary issues whatsoever. They’ll eat some food, let their little dog jump up onto their lap, and proceed to let the dog forage for crumbs of leftover goodness.

It’s sickening, really.

All I kept thinking about was that someone should get a hold of Katie Holmes and Michelle Williams and a variety of the other actresses that James Van Der Beek has kissed over the years and let them know just what kind of sanitary practices the “Beek” employs with his pets. I think that, just like other diseases, if you are an actor and you also let your dog do that to you, other co-stars you act alongside in movies and TV should be able to request that you wear one of those plastic contraceptive mouth pieces during love scenes. Because no matter how much you brush your teeth — there’s no way to fully escape the germs you now have in your mouth.

I mean, dogs eat anything. Absolutely everything. They will eat bugs and trash and dead animals and a variety of other things that you, as a human, would never want to eat yet here sits James Van Der Beek doing just that, with his dog on his lap, in public, at a restaurant, while other people are trying to eat.

I say to James, if you’re listening — keep it at home, buddy. Please.

In the same window of time that James and Heather made their sanitary dog kissing issues apparent to a room of about 100 people, another star entered the facility by the name of Kyra Sedgwick.

No worries there, people. The ‘ol no-degree from Kevin Bacon actress, seemed pleasant, sweet, and an all-around non-dog kissing in public kinda star. (Yes, some stars, don’t kiss their dogs in public like you and me!)

The kind we like here at WFME.

In other news, I would like to expres my disdain for a recent trend in which people have started to give themselves nicknames inspired by body parts in an attempt to sound “street.”

I have met or heard of people who have employed the following nicknames for their “images” and they include (but are not limited to): the finger, the spleen, the liver, the aorta, the nose, the ass, the elbow, and the epiglottis.

I say no. No no no no no. No.

17 comments on “Today’s Prognosis on James Van Der Beek and Dog Kissing

  1. kristine - August 1, 2005 at 9:29 am -

    yes. gross.

    BUT. as a dog owner, don’t pretend that it hasn’t ACCIDENTALLY happened to you with your little guy. you know, you’re giving him a bone or playing with that squeak toy he loves so much, and when you lean down to pet his face or give him one of those let-me-hug-your-face-because-you’re-so-damn-cute things, he sticks out his tongue…

    and WHAM-O.

    your dog just frenched you.

    **

    and i’m not yet familiar with this body-part street talk. it sounds mafioso to me. love the epiglottis on principle alone.

  2. jenny - August 1, 2005 at 10:57 am -

    Well we don’t know if his dog ate “bugs and trash and dead animals and…” so it’s pointless to freak out about that. However I do think it would be weird to see a MAN do this. And in public? And a B actor? You’d think he could come up with something more interesting to get him attention.

  3. Pauly D - August 1, 2005 at 11:00 am -

    Well, jenny — I think the growing the beard was the first thing he did to get him attention. And when that didn’t work, well…

    You know the rest.

  4. groovebunny - August 1, 2005 at 11:38 am -

    Any animal that uses it’s tongue to keep itself clean has no business slipping humans the doggie tongue. Uccck!

  5. kingbenny - August 1, 2005 at 11:49 am -

    Jimmy “The Beard” Van Der Beek

  6. patrick - August 1, 2005 at 11:50 am -

    Van Der Beek actually lived in the back of my friend’s house for several months. It was kind of weird. Here he is on TV making all this dough, and meanwhile he was renting a loft in the backyard of a small house in Studio City.

    That’s LA for you. Oh and he hated when we called him Dawson.

  7. nic - August 1, 2005 at 11:57 am -

    Who said, “The more I know men, the better I like my dog!”
    I think maybe it was a lady talking about The Tramp. ;P

  8. Citizen of the Month » Kissing - August 1, 2005 at 12:10 pm -

    […] Pauly has another amusing post today — this time about "dog kissing."  And since I always find him inspirational, Pauly got me thinking about the subject of kissing (and not just with dogs).  […]

  9. Daniel - August 1, 2005 at 12:57 pm -

    I don’t have the words for the horrific image this post has planted in my mind.

  10. Jack - August 1, 2005 at 1:02 pm -

    Not like the guy has any ability to act, he has to find some angle to get attention.

  11. Brooke - August 1, 2005 at 4:01 pm -

    James Van Der Beek has a Yorkie? And he’s married? Something doesn’t add up.

  12. kristine - August 1, 2005 at 5:31 pm -

    Brooke, i often ponder the same mathematical mystery that shrouds our dear Paul.

  13. jenny - August 1, 2005 at 11:00 pm -

    oh yes, the beard. i still find it odd that he was 26 playing a 16 year old kid. OMG-i wonder if he had to shave multiple times a day while he was shooting Dawsons Creek so his 5 o’clock shadow wouldn’t show? god, i’m such a bitch.

  14. Laura - August 2, 2005 at 9:54 am -

    A few years ago I would have thought you were freaking out just a bit. Then I found out dogs eat cat poop. That was it for me, dog mouths are the grossest of the gross.

  15. groonk - November 9, 2005 at 12:29 pm -

    You should be more worried about the dog than ole Beek. A dog’s mouth is cleaner than a humans. No Lie. Look it up.

    I could make a joke about The Beek french kissing a dog in a French resturant.

    But I won’t.

  16. Shawna - November 15, 2005 at 5:27 pm -

    I am opposed to pda in general, but I am afraid I would literally throw my shoes at someone tongue kissing their dog in front of me.

  17. Craig - May 15, 2007 at 4:08 pm -

    You Guys have got way to much time on your hands. Beek Is a hall of famer in my books, oh yes, the Dawson lives on, LiVes ON!

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