Don’t even say it — I am well aware that this whole celebrity/animal thing is infesting Los Angeles.
But how could I keep myself from describing the situation that I witnessed yesterday afternoon at the Valley’s new chain-restaurant hot spot, Le Pain Quotidien? (French!? We must go there because they say it is French food!)
There I was, sitting in a restaurant on the boulevard and trying to eat a wonderful brunch meal when I noticed that sitting at the tables right outside the window was our good Dawson’s Creek friend, James Van Der Beek with his “I don’t like to wear make-up on the weekends and look like a crack whore” wife, Heather McComb.
James has fallen down the ladder of conservativeness since he stopped acting (he stopped acting, hasn’t he?) which was witnessed by his dirty old beard (which is wonderful at catching errant food particles falling from his mouth). But even more disturbing or fascinating than seeing James, seeing James’ beard, or seeing James and his wife eating food (yes, celebrities eat food just like you and me!) was the fact that James Van Der Beek lets his little Yorkshire Terrier tongue kiss him in public.
I am categorically opposed to this.
We have seen jokes about this in the past and in movies and on TV — people so obsessed with loving their dogs that they allow them to you know what (I can’t even bring myself to describe how it looks) without any concern for sanitary issues whatsoever. They’ll eat some food, let their little dog jump up onto their lap, and proceed to let the dog forage for crumbs of leftover goodness.
It’s sickening, really.
All I kept thinking about was that someone should get a hold of Katie Holmes and Michelle Williams and a variety of the other actresses that James Van Der Beek has kissed over the years and let them know just what kind of sanitary practices the “Beek” employs with his pets. I think that, just like other diseases, if you are an actor and you also let your dog do that to you, other co-stars you act alongside in movies and TV should be able to request that you wear one of those plastic contraceptive mouth pieces during love scenes. Because no matter how much you brush your teeth — there’s no way to fully escape the germs you now have in your mouth.
I mean, dogs eat anything. Absolutely everything. They will eat bugs and trash and dead animals and a variety of other things that you, as a human, would never want to eat yet here sits James Van Der Beek doing just that, with his dog on his lap, in public, at a restaurant, while other people are trying to eat.
I say to James, if you’re listening — keep it at home, buddy. Please.
In the same window of time that James and Heather made their sanitary dog kissing issues apparent to a room of about 100 people, another star entered the facility by the name of Kyra Sedgwick.
No worries there, people. The ‘ol no-degree from Kevin Bacon actress, seemed pleasant, sweet, and an all-around non-dog kissing in public kinda star. (Yes, some stars, don’t kiss their dogs in public like you and me!)
The kind we like here at WFME.
In other news, I would like to expres my disdain for a recent trend in which people have started to give themselves nicknames inspired by body parts in an attempt to sound “street.”
I have met or heard of people who have employed the following nicknames for their “images” and they include (but are not limited to): the finger, the spleen, the liver, the aorta, the nose, the ass, the elbow, and the epiglottis.
I say no. No no no no no. No.