If Kenny Rogers Wasn’t My Uncle

I once wanted Kenny Rogers to be my uncle.

That was before I sat down and really thought about all the things that might happen because of it. In fact, after mapping each of the moments out on a piece of old D&D graph paper, I came to the conclusion that having Kenny Rogers as my uncle would not only be a bad idea…it just might turn out to be fatal.

So, for argument sake purposes, let’s just assume for one minute that Kenny Rogers IS my Uncle.

The 2nd Book, Revealed!

What would Jesus blog?

What would Confucius blog? How about Nostradamus? Jim Morrison, Richard Nixon, Captain Kangaroo and Julius Caesar? What would DaVinci have to say? What would 200 of History’s most famous, most well-known historical figures blog about if the technology had been available to them back in the day?

Well, the questions will finally be answered in The Lost Blogs.

Coming May 2006 from Warner Books is the book that is “the historically inaccurate and totally fictitious cyber diaries of everyone worth knowing” — covering figures from the dawn of time all the way up until just a few years ago. If they’re dead and famous, you can probably expect to read what they have to say.

I Am The King of Crappy Legal Advice

Lawyers are expensive.

It’s true and you know what I’m talking about if you’ve ever had to hire one. Two hundred an hour, three hundred an hour, your first born child and four hundred an hour. And for what? A bunch of talking, a few phone calls, and in the end — some advice that you just could have gotten from me.

No matter that I am the KING of crappy legal advice. It just doesn’t matter.

If you’ve got a problem and you need someone to talk to and you have no experience whatsoever with legal jargon and stuff and whatchamajigger kind of lawyer stuff and hell — I know all that stuff like the back of my calf, so why not consult me in the first place?

If I Was On ‘Battlestar Galactica’

You may or may not be watching one of the greatest shows currently on television — Battlestar Galactica.

If you’re unaware of the show or the concept, it takes place in another part of our Universe in a totally different galaxy where a planet of human beings are attacked by robots called Cylons (which they created and which are now trying to eradicate the human race) and must escape to the stars to try and save their race. Each week they struggle to survive attacks, Cylon spies (some look just like humans now) and find the prophesized planet called ‘Earth’ so they may start a new life.

If I was on that show, man — things would be so different.

The Cult of Wipe

It is a cult that crosses boundaries. It is a cult that is hardly ever spoken of. It is a cult that exists in all countries, in all times and in all languages.

And it is a cult that every human being belongs to.

It is the Cult of Wipe and it concerns the way in which each human being approaches the final few minutes of every bathroom moment, yet it is something that few discuss, that many pretend never exists and that most prefer to just leave alone.

Yet it fascinates WFME to no end.