ATM Pressure (Or, I’m Not A Bomb Diffuser)
July 27th, 2005
Sometimes, when I’m getting money from the ATM I feel like Detective Riggs (Mel Gibson) from Lethal Weapon 2.
Because that’s the film that started out with Riggs and his about-to-retire partner (Danny Glover) in a parking structure, next to a car with a bomb in it. Time was ticking, they had to cut the wire, and they weren’t sure which one to cut. There was pressure, some sweat was beading down their forehead, and everyone was all eyes — watching and waiting. Watching and waiting.
It’s how I feel when I’m trying to get money out of the ATM.
Listen, I have enough trouble trying to get my damn code in successfully each time I swing by the ‘ol Wells Fargo Wagon — these buttons over time have lost all their sensitivity so I’ve got to press them harder than any finger has ever had to press anything in the history of the world and often press a button twice because they’re just shoddily made, but even worse is the fact that none of these real world buttons actually line up with the on-screen menu prompts which consistently result in pressing the wrong everything.
And all the while, there you stand…waiting and tapping and waiting.
There have been times where I’ve wanted to take out $60, but I’ve pressed $600. There are times when I’ve wanted my account balance and gotten stamps. There are times when I’ve wanted to deposit and I end up withdrawing from a Savings account I’ve only got $.05 cents in. It’s because of you, with your already sealed deposit envelope, your out-of-your-wallet ATM card in your hands, and your constant SIGH-ing each time I decide that I want to do another action while logged into my account.
It’s convinced me that I’d never make a good bomb diffuser.
Because if the quiet, invisible (yet tangible) pressure you throw my way while I’m trying to take out money from the ATM causes me to make mistakes by the dozens — the last thing I would be able to handle would be figuring out which wire to cut, which battery to disconnect and which wireless transmitter goes to which packet of C4.
Because if everytime you shuffle your feet I end up putting the wrong empty envelope into the jaws of deposit-dom…then I’ll probably end up cutting the red wire instead of the black wire… Because if every time you clear your throat, I end up typing my code incorrectly for the third time (which means the ATM will swallow my card until my guardians can vouch for my correct identity)…then I’ll probably end up hitting the button that mixes the green liquid with the black liquid thus setting bomb activity in motion. Because if everytime you ask me to hurry up I feel a nauseous feeling and I get all woozy — that bomb in that car in that parking structure in that business park…
…is gonna go kabloowie!
You standing behind me where I can’t see you is worse than you standing too close to me in the aisle at the drug store. You starting to fill out that deposit envelope at the mini-table beside me is worse than you standing next to me at the men’s urinal. You jingling your keys is worse than the sound of my house settling at 3AM in the morning and then trying to convince myself that the house is settling for real when in reality houses never settle it’s just an old wives tale to lure you into a false sense of security while hoodlums get ready to take you for all your worth.
I wish ATMs were like bathroom stalls — four walls, a lock and those protective seat coverings. Maybe then I’d feel calm, collected and cool while depositing, withdrawing and confirming.
But until then, there’s gonna be no bomb diffusing for this guy. Pressure to get that report in on time. Pressure to commit to a relationship. Pressure to stand up to those endangering your life. They all pale in comparison to the pressure I feel at the damn ATM.
And it’s all your fault.
can my son take you to ’show and tell’?
Comment by meme — July 27, 2005 @ 8:40 am
people have actually asked you to hurry up?! that totally breaks the code of passive-agressive silent urging.
Comment by kristine — July 27, 2005 @ 8:47 am
I am available for show and tells on the 2nd and 4th Wednesdays of each month. I require certain things in my rider (i.e. contract) which includes having Peanut M&M’s (with the yellow ones picked out) and a back rub, foot massage and one of those cool Kangol hats.
As for the passive-agressive silent urging, K — well, people out here in Los Angeles have no respect for private ATM business.
Comment by Pauly D — July 27, 2005 @ 8:50 am
ATM’s should be like phone booths, but then the impatient people would just pound on the door in that impatient way of theirs.
Comment by kingbenny — July 27, 2005 @ 8:53 am
If you think the people waiting behind you are impatient, just imagine how the muggers feel.
Comment by Daniel — July 27, 2005 @ 9:28 am
Paul -
Live on the edge. Hit the Chinese-language option. Now *that’s* pressure.
-A
Comment by Andrew — July 27, 2005 @ 10:48 am
“I wish ATMs were like bathroom stalls — four walls, a lock and those protective seat coverings. Maybe then I’d feel calm, collected and cool while depositing, withdrawing and confirming.”
I’m all about the protective seat cover! As for depositing, withdrawing and confirming, I’m gonna so use that should I ever have to potty train someone again.
My work just installed a new ATM in our lobby. The buttons on this thing are huge and don’t line up with the selections they’re supposed to. Far too often I’ve done my transactions in Spanish just because I can never figure out which is the English button. doh!
Comment by groovebunny — July 27, 2005 @ 11:47 am
I know how you feel. If someone is waiting in line behind you, you feel like you’re a disappointment for not being able to get money efficiently.
I must be a nervous type. That’s why I mostly use a checkcard.
Comment by Momentary Academic — July 27, 2005 @ 12:11 pm
I send my husband to the ATM. I don’t know the feeling.
Comment by Amy Steier — July 27, 2005 @ 12:36 pm
can i have your atm card?
the bank machines are better in canada.
Comment by hkd — July 27, 2005 @ 3:34 pm
Do you remember the scene in the bathroom? Toilet cover or not, at least you didn’t blow your ass off!
Comment by nic — July 27, 2005 @ 5:14 pm
You want real pressure? Take a seven year old with you who recites every key as you press it except your PIN. That gets announced in a loud voice: “Daddy, why did it show **** when you typed 4719″.
As you walk away from the machine you realise that you left your card behind and everyone else in the queue knows your pin now…
Comment by Ozguru — July 27, 2005 @ 5:30 pm
Great stuff! I’m glad you mentioned how the text never lines up with the buttons. That drives me crazy.
Enjoying your blog!
Comment by Mark — July 27, 2005 @ 6:50 pm
I usually only go to the ATM in my car, so people can’t stand behind me and sigh. If they honk, I make sure I take extra time. Why do we feel we have to feel guilty for depositing checks or anything else? We are all very impatient. Now if only I could get my popcorn to pop faster….
Comment by kangamini — July 27, 2005 @ 11:21 pm
I don’t know if having the ATM like a bathroom stall is a good idea. I don’t know about you, but when I am in a bathroom stall I have to wait until everybody is out of the room before I make a deposit (pun intended). Either that or I have to wait for someone to flush to drwon out the noise. I don’t like people hearing me do my business.
Comment by Dave — July 29, 2005 @ 7:39 am
At least if ATM’s were set up as bathroom stalls, you wouldn’t have to wash your hands when you were done — although how much you wanna bet people would start making you wash your hands?
“Don’t you know where that money has been!? How many people have touched it! It’s so unsanitary!”
Which has just brought me to this thought: Shouldn’t we wash our hands after HANDLING MONEY more than we should wash our hands after going to the bathroom? Hmm?
Discuss.
Comment by Pauly D — July 29, 2005 @ 7:44 am
Dirty money? My pleasure and better than none.
Comment by nic — July 29, 2005 @ 9:35 am
money is actually much dirtier than public restrooms. it’s completely true.
Comment by kristine — July 29, 2005 @ 9:42 am
Of course you are right, kristine, and restrooms can be cleaned and money laundered. Dirty or not, we all need access to both.
Comment by nic — July 29, 2005 @ 9:49 am
well, yeah. obviously. i’m just saying it’s really dirty, not that we should get rid of it.
nature of the BEAST!
Comment by kristine — July 29, 2005 @ 9:53 am
you want pressure?
try boarding an airplane. all of a sudden, perfectly normal people become frenzied and maniacal, husbands verbally abusing their wives into moving faster lest they hold up the impatient herd for a few moments too long, in which case hidden machine guns would surely blow them to smithereens.
always amuses me.
Comment by Alex Blagg — July 29, 2005 @ 2:26 pm
Thank you, Alex, for putting things back into perspective.
Comment by nic — July 29, 2005 @ 3:42 pm