I Am Afraid of Sephora
July 24th, 2005
What combines the look of the movies 2001 and THX 1138, the sterility of a hospital E.R., the pure fear element that all small American Heart Association blood vans instill in the public, the sheen that you see on dice included in the game Monopoloy, the overpowering smell of a thousand (opened) fashion magazines, employees dressed like plastic surgeons, with faces that have most likely gone under the knife, with the kind of organization and small typeface fonts included on anally shelved items that make your head spin?
Sephora does.
And it scares the living crap outta me.
Don’t even start going off on the “you’re a guy so if you loved Sephora that would be strange anyway” tirade, because that’s not the deal here. It’s not about the make-up and the fact that it’s basically a high-end video game store for women (video games = makeup). It’s not about the fact that it’s filled with women in lab coats who may, possibly, make me feel like they’re ready to ask me for a urine sample. And it’s not because it’s expensive, over-priced or just plain sterile.
It’s because every time I walk into Sephora, I feel like my body is about to shut down.
The symptoms are numerous and they are not just in my mind. Upon entering any Sephora (and it has happened in NYC, Los Angeles and another locale which I prefer not to mention specifically) I immediately find that I begin to feel dizzy, my head gets cloudy, and congestion sets in. I have trouble focusing and I usually get a shooting pain behind my left eye — which is partly due to the fact that if you ever try to read any tiny black text on a huge white background, such painful head issues are a given. At Sephora, they pack a thousand tiny boxes of product into a 12 inch shelf, challenging you to read text that is one-hundred time smaller than the last line of an eye test you take at the optimologist’s office.
Really, walking into Sephora is like walking into a huge white blog with nothing but small 8 pt. text in a Garamond font. It’s maddening.
But even if I were to “slough off” the whole small font headache thing, I’d still associate the make-up mansion with an immediate uncomfortable unhealthful feeling. I’ve tested it out just for the sake of testing it out and no matter the circumstance, situation or time of day — within five minutes of entering Sephora I feel dizzy, congested, headachey, nervous, shortness of breath, blurred vision, heart palpitations, eye twitching, nasal dripping and an almost terrifying painful swelling in the nether regions.
It has multiplied the kind of disorientation I often feel when going shopping in a mall to the nth degree by successfully finding a way to incorporate all the horrible health issues one could feel from going to a variety of not-so-entertaining consumer-related shops and locales that have nothing to do with batteries, into one compact location.
This is what scares me about Sephora.
I don’t know what kind of mind-controlling, take over the world plan they’ve got going on at the corporate office… I don’t know what kind of “only affects male clientele” misting invisible chemical controlling agents they’ve got floating around in there… I don’t know what they’re ultimate worldwide goal of attribution must be… But thanks to my talents of being able to identify when a chain make-up store is trying to kill me, I will never set foot in their stores ever again.
And if you were smart, you’d do the same.
But it sounds like a good place to meet women. Is there one in the Beverly Center?
Comment by Neil — July 24, 2005 @ 9:02 am
Out of luck there, Neil. But if you can trek down to 3rd Street Promenade in Santa Monica, you’ll be able to get that embolism started ASAP.
Comment by Pauly D — July 24, 2005 @ 9:05 am
Ikea, now Sephora… maybe LA guys are just scared of more stuff than east coast men.. hhmmm.
I personally like the Sephora website… you can still get the free samples without dealing with the salesgirls… I don’t go to the local Sephora store right outside Philly, but will pop by the NYC shop when I am up there. It’s nice to get a mini make-over after a train or bus trip up there. I rarely see [straight] men in there.
Comment by anonymous city girl — July 24, 2005 @ 10:37 am
that picture is quite terrifying, i must say.
Comment by kristine — July 24, 2005 @ 10:37 am
I get the same reaction after about ten minutes. For me, it’s a directed mission. I go in, get what I need (if only they have it, or I HAVE to try it on), and get out. I never had much reason to go because there is a great little beauty shop in Santa Monica, Misty, that offers all kinds of hard-to-find items and is run by a family who are all very friendly and don’t wear lab coats.
Comment by Helena — July 24, 2005 @ 4:37 pm
I’ve never been to a Sephora, and now I doubt I will. The picture alone looks like she is afraid of being probed by aliens.
I’ll stick to my Dollar Store makeup and discount loofas and keep my sanity, thank you!
Comment by ginger — July 24, 2005 @ 6:32 pm
The description of walking into Sephora like a white blog with small writing reminds me of my last blog design. However, you make Sephora sound like a visit to the dentist. I think I’ll keep flossing and self treating my teeth problems.
Comment by lori — July 25, 2005 @ 9:11 am
It’s just waaay too bright in there. And the creepy Poltergeist lady says to go away from the light. Right?
Comment by justin — July 25, 2005 @ 12:23 pm
i’m a girly girl who can only take a tiny spot of sephora at a time. i avoid the salespeople, i zero in on the thing(s) i want, grab them, and leave. oh. well. i mean, i pay for them before i leave. i cannot linger too long, or i will be in agony. but, i can take sephora just a little more than a department store’s cosmetics and fragrance floor. those places bring on a reaction like yours to sephora. instant headache, utter terror. those perfume sprtizing zombies give me heart palpitations.
Comment by sassylittlepunkin — July 25, 2005 @ 6:00 pm
It’s nice to see that most NORMAL women who play around on the Internet don’t like Sephora.
Comment by Pauly D — July 25, 2005 @ 6:44 pm
Is the girl in the pic scrubbing her face with steel wool? Ouch!
Sephora scares me too. It’s intimidating for me. And this is coming from a girl who loves to buy make-up. I’ve made it into a Sephora once and that was to buy my sister a gift certificate. That one visit was enough of the Sephora experiance to last me a lifetime.
Comment by groovebunny — July 25, 2005 @ 11:17 pm
Slough it. Peel it. Rub it. Moisturize it. I am a Sephora Whore…
Comment by Crits — October 7, 2005 @ 6:13 am
you’re a truck load of crap. sephora is an amazing make up store where they sell some of they best looking eye make up colors, lotions, lip shade and brushes you’ll ever see. just because you get nauseous around make up, doesnt mean the whole store does it to you. its all physcological. And the white coats? they look professional and very chic. they dont randomly come up to you and act like robots wanting to put you under the knife. does every person who looks pretty have to have gone under the knife? no. and also, they have a very kind and knowledgable staff that always asks you if you need any help on picking out the perfect make up for you skin. try getting that type of personal care in the Longs Drug Store make up section.
Comment by Marie Carter — September 12, 2006 @ 9:56 pm
Omg i totally agreed with Marie Carter sephora has everythig in the world that a girl would love im just in love with that store.
-luv amy-
Comment by amy — January 5, 2007 @ 11:09 am
Are u folks serious??
Going into a Sephora gives you all these symptoms??-come on-get a grip…and get out more.
Comment by MightyMouse — May 25, 2007 @ 1:35 pm