If I Were In ‘The Cutting Edge’
July 20th, 2005
There’s a lot of things I’d do differently if I was the womanizing, fast-talking, blue-collar, ex-Olympic hockey player Doug Dorsey (D.B. Sweeney) from The Cutting Edge.
If you aren’t familiar with The Cutting Edge, it was a rousing piece of entertainment about an ex-Olympic hockey player who (after an eye injury) finds that he cannot compete anymore. It’s also about a figure skater named Kate Moseley whose bitchy attitude has cost her every partner she’s ever had. When the two come together through some unlikely circumstances, they find that by working together as figure skating partners they can make anything happen. Even, the dangerous move their coach calls The Pamchenko Twist!
So unrealistic.
When I look at Doug Dorsey’s whole demeanor throughout the film, he makes so many mistakes — the lot of them which are punctuated by what I call “The Gita Effect” which appears about five seconds into the film where Doug wakes up in the bed of a foreign Olympic athlete and calls her “Rita”. She’s like, “”Rita?” And Doug’s like “Lita?” and you can already see her fuming cause that’s not her name and finally she throws something at Doug and yells “GITA!”
Yes, The Gita Effect.
In this one moment, Doug Dorsey transforms from a patriotic U.S. Olympian into a guy who can’t remember a G from an L from an R while also communicating to the audience that he also has no ability to use improv to his advantage. Witness the solution, had I been in his place and not remembered her name:
Me: “Ok, gotta go my friend! Really, I had a wonderful time!”
Gita: “Oh, Paul. I have wonderful time with you, yes.”
Me: “Yeah, YOU crazy athlete of some kind! God, my friend, I just wanna eat you up, YOU.”
Done. Out. Off to the hockey game. Through a little thing I call “replacing ones name with the word YOU when you don’t remember their name or replacing YOU with MY FRIEND when you’ve used YOU too many times”, well, we’ve gone from idiot Olympic hockey player to sensitive and thoughtful guy, the morning after. Save her feelings, I say. Make her feel special.
Oh, and also — if I were to replace Doug in the movie, I probably wouldn’t be a hockey player. I’m not a big fan of hockey ever since I got my ass handed to me in a game of broom-ball. So instead, I’d prefer to be the entrepreneur owner of those carnival booths (which are huge across the country and can net you so much cash profit that it’s not even funny).
Taking that into consideration, the Pamchenko Twist would now probably refer to a pretzel or some kind of unique churro snack that I had invented (I’m an inventor, too) and instead of me being the ice skating partner of Kate, I’d probably be a supportive buddy of hers standing on the sidelines selling my Pamchenko Twists.
Don’t get me wrong, there’d still be the love thing developing between me and Kate (she loves pretzels) simply based on the fact that I still wouldn’t take any kind of crap from her nor would I be fatigued (because I wouldn’t be skating with her and having to deal with her stupid ‘toe-pick’ passive agressive ways of training) and so my energy would be up and I’d be able to really give her the bull’s horns if she got out of line.
Come to think of it, if I was actually replacing Doug Dorsey in the film, and I wasn’t a skater but a well-known circus booth entrepreneur, I’d probably suggest that Kate leave that silly figure skating thing behind and join me in starting up a string of circus companies that could travel the country scamming people out of their hard-earned money by luring them to booths with big, colorful, cheap stuffed prizes with the likenesses of characters like Quick Draw McGraw and Tweety Bird. She’d love it, being able to travel across the country and not have to squeeze into those leotards any more, and although her dad would be pissed he’d spent all that money on figure skating over all those years and the fact that he’d originally brought me aboard to help her win a skating title — well, he’d just have to respect what Kate wanted. I can see the whole scene play out in my head:
Kate: “Dad, I’m giving up figure skating.”
Jack Moseley: “What!? You’re giving up skating? After all this? For what!?”
Kate: “Well, Paul has this really great circus booth company and-”
Jack Moseley: “Circus booth company?”
Kate: “Yeah. You know - get a basketball into the hoop three times and you win a prize? Drop a ping pong ball into the top of a glass jar…? Churros!?”
Jack Moseley: “I know what circus booths are, Kate. But figure skating is your life.”
Kate: “Not since I met Paul, Dad. He just makes circus booths sound way more exciting than a Gold Medal in the Olympics.”
Man, you gotta love that girl. And I would. Standing up for what she believes in, even though it was no longer figure skating, which she’d dedicated her entire life to. Just turning away from that sport all so she could build the biggest, most successful circus vending booth company in the continental United States!?
It probably wouldn’t be called The Cutting Edge after that due to the whole change in subject matter, storylines, and that whole Gita coeffecient.
But you know, we’ll leave that issue to the marketing department.
This is hilarious.
I can just imagine them pushing their churro cart in slow motion as the theme song Feels Like Forever plays in the background.
Comment by Leese — July 20, 2005 @ 9:21 am
If I say “good song” what does that make me?
Comment by Pauly D — July 20, 2005 @ 9:30 am
It’s a little known fact that I am the only person ever to successfully land the solo Pomchenko Twist. I would have done it with a partner, but Moira Kelly is really, really annoying.
Comment by Dylan — July 20, 2005 @ 9:37 am
Ok. I just want to spend a day inside your head. Just a day. It would be just like the carnival I bet.
Fun place to visit…
Comment by anonymous city girl — July 20, 2005 @ 9:46 am
This guy, Van Wilder, at http://worldofvan.blogspot.com has decided to make a similar post about Bert from Sesame Street. I think his inspiration to write something similar to your post on Elmo came from you. You should check it out.
Comment by Matball — July 20, 2005 @ 9:59 am
You always seem to have the most interesting posts of all the ones I look at each day. I never know what you’ll write about from day to day. I guess that’s what makes you so damn good.
Comment by Amy Steier — July 20, 2005 @ 10:00 am
Best line in the movie: “Did he say finger painting??”
Seen it once. Still remember that.
Comment by justin — July 20, 2005 @ 10:04 am
Pauly,
I’m so surprised that you’ve played broomball, living in LA and all. I used to play goalie for my women’s dorm team in college, and yeah, I ALSO got my ass handed to me in the form of way too durn many bruises from the ice and bigger girls roughin’ me up and such…
So I’m terribly fine with your minor plot twist… (I’m sure you were worried I wouldn’t be fine with it). Carnival booths? Way less opportunity for bruises, methinks.
That aside, I think the movie could still EASILY be called The Cutting Edge…because it’d be so on the cutting edge of one-of-kind crazy-cool!
(Har, har…)
No? Not so much? hehe
Comment by Em — July 20, 2005 @ 10:07 am
how is it that so many of us have seen this awful film? though, PD, i must say i’m not impressed with your alterations. i’d lean toward rewriting his role as that of a Windex salesman.
Comment by kristine — July 20, 2005 @ 10:13 am
But Windex is so noxious, Kristine.
As for you, Dylan, putting in digital print that you are “the only solo person to land the Pamchenko Twist”, well… I say put your ice skates where your mouth is.. Er… Where your feet are… Hmph.
Well, whatever. You know what I mean.
Comment by Pauly D — July 20, 2005 @ 11:03 am
you’re noxious.
Comment by kristine — July 20, 2005 @ 11:09 am
I have a sinking suspicion that this post is about me…
Comment by meme — July 20, 2005 @ 11:10 am
Here’s your proof, Pauly D. Bwaaa haaa haaa, bwaaa haaaa haaaa, Bwa!
Comment by Dylan — July 20, 2005 @ 1:02 pm
I see your proof, and I raise you the concept of real proof.
I don’t think you have it.
Comment by Pauly D — July 20, 2005 @ 1:06 pm
Interesting.
Comment by Leese — July 20, 2005 @ 1:19 pm
Doug Dorsey is such a great name. Though it might have been better applied to an 80’s high school movie villian played by Mr. Billy Zabka.
Comment by Alex Blagg — July 20, 2005 @ 2:28 pm
DB Sweeny was better in Fire In The Sky.
i thought the kate character was a cunt. but then, she was supposed to be. why the hell do i remember this movie? it wasn’t great or anything.
i hate when that happens.
Comment by sarah — July 20, 2005 @ 2:55 pm
I used to have a huge crush on Moira Kelly, so I actually sat through this awful movie twice. I especially liked the fact that she was from Queens and wore glasses, like myself. But, alas, she’s now married:
http://www.moirakelly.net/pictures/wedding/newspap...
Comment by Neil — July 20, 2005 @ 4:38 pm
I loved that movie when I was a silly 11 year old girl. Now, I prefer your version.
Comment by Kai — July 21, 2005 @ 3:06 am
I was always horrible like this with a few select people. It’s the infamous pronoun game. You use vague, non-name references to the person.
I had a friend who was part of a set of triplets. He was easy to tell for obvious reasons, his sisters on the other hand. I knew them a decade and never knew which was which until I got them talking.
Then there was another friend from high school whose name I never knew. I went all senior year avoiding calling her by her name and then went off to college (phew!). Then, a year later (she was a year behind me), I find out we lived in the same dorm (damn!). I was screwed. But I connived my way into finding out her name.
Comment by Kevin — January 3, 2006 @ 12:11 pm
Pamchenko Twisted, yes you are. I’m so bad with names. I’m in the military, too, so if your name is not on your damn shirt, well, sorry, the likelihood of my remembering it is very low.
I love this movie. Kate’s smart, bitchy, and yet still attractive. Hey, that’s what I aspire too! I was watching Plushenko kick everyone’s ass last night, and of course my friend was saying that they are ALL gay, that the only one who isn’t gay is this guy who used to be a hockey player…I said, “That’s a movie.” He said that there really was a hockey player who kept getting concussions and became a figure skater. He knows everything about every sport, so I started to wonder. Anyone know?
Comment by Ellen Won — February 17, 2006 @ 2:58 am