Words For My Enjoyment

Elmo Wants His BMW

July 19th, 2005

The story can now be told.

Thanks to a conversation I had yesterday with the increasingly-random and funny Neil about children’s TV characters and how they have been the bane of our existence — it got me to thinking about the time I used to work for The Jim Henson Company.

This was years ago, mind you, so what you’re about to read… This amazing revelation… Well, it may no longer be true or no longer be the case. But knowing a-holes the way I do, they usually don’t change much unless they’re trapped in a sinking upside down boat (think The Poseidon Adventure) which I don’t think has happened to this guy.

This guy in question is none other than the beloved, red furry high-pitched squealing children’s TV character of Elmo.

When I worked for The Jim Henson Company I was responsible for helping coordinate the talent for the feature films. That meant getting these muppeteers from point A (their home) to point B (the set) to point C (publicity appearances) to point D (their hotel) to point E (the Jamba Juice on little Santa Monica) to point F and so on. I’d deal with them personally, making sure whatever they needed was available to them within reason.

Kermit was awesome. Miss Piggy was appreciative. Pepe the Prawn was a kick-back dude. Same went for Statler & Waldorf, Fozzie the Bear (who is the same as Miss PIggy) and Beeker and Animal and Rowlf and Gonzo and even Sam the Eagle. But Elmo?

Elmo was a dick.

Voiced by a guy named Kevin Clash, who is a deep-voiced African American guy (which is weird in itself), Elmo had this thing about always getting to stay in a really nice four star hotel and have his BMW rental car waiting for him at the hotel when he got there. If there was even an opportunity to yell at you over the phone about anything materialistic, he would always be sure to do so.

Me: “So, we’ve got you all set up at the Mondrian Hotel and-”

Elmo: “What about the rental car? Is it a BMW? It needs to be a BMW.”

Me: “Yes, we got you the BMW and-”

Elmo: “Is it black? With leather? Seven series?”

Me: “Actually, all they had available was a five series, but-”

Elmo: “WHAT!? Did I just hear you say that it’s a five series?!”

Me: “Yes, but-”

Elmo: “I ask very little of you guys and you can’t even do this one thing right!”

Me: “Right, but-”

Elmo: “I waaaaaant a seveeeeen serrrieeeees!”

Then here’s the point where you should just imagine the voice of Elmo gettin’ all annoyed and not-happy like he normally is, going on and on and on about wanting things to be a certain way when he gets to town and if the company can’t do that for him he’s going to have to have a conversation with someone about putting these things in his contract.

Yes, Elmo’s contract.

I can only imagine what his contract actually had in it. From luxury automobiles, four star hotels, expensive lint rollers and probably the green M&M’s taken out of big bowls of the candy before he was ever to dip his hand inside. Elmo had an attitude, and he didn’t care if anyone knew about it. Cause Elmo vibrated kids to a happier plane of existence and he deserved everything in the world for it according to that little red bastard.

Don’t get me wrong when I tell you that Elmo was a dickhead — the rest of those muppeteers were a pleasure to work with… Real down to earth guys except for the fact that they made their living by sticking their hands up the backsides of felt puppets… They’re a talented, funny, creative bunch of people who have been bringing joy to children and adults alike for as long as any of us can remember.

As for Elmo — well, I’d just like to wring his neck.

Posted under Assholes, Celebrities. |

You know I always thought Grover was the man, and now that the Elmo truth is out I stand even more firmly behind my convictions.

Comment by meme — July 19, 2005 @ 8:05 am

No more. I can’t take it. You’re ruining my childhood memories Pauly.

Comment by Hilary — July 19, 2005 @ 8:23 am

This reminds me of the story an actress I work with in FLA told…
She was working on the Sesame St set and a reporter came to interview Elmo for a newspiece.
The actress said that after a short time, everyone becomes very comfortable talking directly and relate to the puppets as individuals. Falling in line with the rest of the people on the set, the reporter woman started to explain the workings of the TV interview to Elmo as if he was a small child. Elmo then told the reporter off… with profanity and all.

Comment by anonymous city girl — July 19, 2005 @ 8:29 am

Elmo was just misunderstood, Pauly.

Comment by Amy Steier — July 19, 2005 @ 10:44 am

“Elmo was a dick” that’s fantastic. It is amazing how some people expect things just because they are famous. What is even more amazing is that this guy isn’t really the one who is famous.

Comment by Dave — July 19, 2005 @ 10:54 am

Dontcha mean wring his wrist?

Comment by amadnarin — July 19, 2005 @ 12:10 pm

I’d love to meet Oscar the Grouch one of these days. I think it would be so cool to watch that guy get drunk.

Comment by Leese — July 19, 2005 @ 12:26 pm

ohmygod.. that’s funny. elmo is a prima donna.. what a bitch!

somehow.. i just knew that kermit had to be cool. i love that frog! he hasn’t been the same since jim died though.

the muppet show was my favorite for the longest time.

Comment by sarah — July 19, 2005 @ 2:19 pm

What about hookers? Was he one of those kind of muppets? Cuz’ I’ve heard some stories about Bert that will have you thinking twice before implying that he was Ernie’s “bottom.”

Comment by T. Malone — July 19, 2005 @ 8:45 pm

It sounds to me, from anonymous city girl’s friend’s cousin’s sixteenth cousin twice removed that Elmo was not only a dick around me but around the media as well.

As for Elmo and hookers, your guess is as good as mine, T.

Comment by Pauly D — July 19, 2005 @ 9:44 pm

Speaking of children’s characters. Who knew that Paul Davidson doubled as Greg from The Wiggles

Comment by stay at home dad — July 20, 2005 @ 8:21 am

i feel a little bad now that i saw “the adventures of elmo in grouchland” on opening night.

did i mention that i don’t have any kids?

Comment by xta — July 20, 2005 @ 9:04 am

I was shocked when I saw The Muppets Christmas Carol that came out a few years ago… there was a whole cross species foot fetish thing with Pepe and Joan Cusack. And the club scene with Scooter dancing in a go-go cage in a tank, leather hot pants, and glow jewlery!!!! Not to mention the pasifier!!! Man, he was rolling!!!

I think its all the sign of the apocalypse!

Comment by anonymous city girl — July 20, 2005 @ 11:43 am