Nobody Likes Your Name
July 18th, 2005
They’ll call it “unique.”
“Man, you’ve got a really unique first name,” they’ll tell you. “Wow, I’ve never heard of that first name ever being spelled that way before,” they’ll admit. “Were your parents hippies or something?” they’ll wonder…
While all the while, inside their head, they’ll think to themselves that you have the stupidest, strangest, weirdest, most-annoying to pronounce, hippie-like, ego-motivated, way too long, way too foreign, way too unique first name in the entire history of first names — and they wish you’d just change it to something simple like John or Jennifer.
But you will never know that nobody likes your name.
You with your silent letters that no one is supposed to pronounce or your adding of letters where they shouldn’t go, it’s driving people mad and behind your back they’ve replaced conversation about terrorists and Paris Hilton with hour long debates about where your name came from, who in their right mind decided to spell it that way, and if you have any idea that people are laughing about it behind your back?
Yet there you sit, happily going along, scribbling your name on checks and bills and business cards and inside greeting cards and on buck slips and on voter registration forms while all the while your name exists in a strange-name vacuum…unaware that outside of your biosphere of first name goodness there exists a group of freedom fighters just hoping to free you from the nightmare and opression that IS your name.
But still, in the dark of night, while you lay there asleep you often can be heard saying to yourself, “yeah, I really like my name” as if it’s something you are subconsiously trying to convince yourself of… As if, deep down, you’re sort of aware that out in the world there are people constantly talking about the strangeness that is your name.
“How are you supposed to spell it?”
“Where do you put the ‘xi”?
“Is there supposed to be punctuation over that letter?”
“Who ends their name in an “I”?”
“They totally spelled their name that way to get attention.”
“I don’t like names that rhyme with the word ‘bile’.”
It’s just time that you face the music. Isn’t it enough that you had a good fifteen-years of usage out of it? Don’t you think changing your name back to something that people don’t hate would be the smart move?
I think so. I really do.
I am totally blessed that my name is Amy. And I am really, really glad my Mom talked my Dad out of naming me Passion. Really.
Comment by Amy Steier — July 18, 2005 @ 10:20 am
My parents both decided on my first name, then my mother told my father that she didn’t want to to have a middle name because she thought they were stupid. So my Dad went to fill out the paperwork when I was born, and just for kicks he wrote down her first name as my middle name. She was furious until he told her that he was simply “overcome with emotion and pride” at her feat of popping one out. She still believes him, but we all know he did it to spite her, and because he has a really dorky name too.
So my family is not so good at names
Comment by Kai — July 18, 2005 @ 10:46 am
I hope Shia LaBeouf (star of Disney Channel’s “Even Stevens” and the motion picture “Holes”) is reading this.
Comment by Will — July 18, 2005 @ 10:47 am
What kind of sick parents would do something like that to their own child?
Didn’t they go through life in school as the kid with the stupid name? They know, yet they still name their kid stupidly.
Shame. Eternal Damnation. No Televsion for a week. ISP server crashes. All the sort of things that will befall parents who do this to their own children.
Comment by Daniel Nicolas — July 18, 2005 @ 10:56 am
Thanks for the laugh, Will. Shia LaBeouf has got to be one of the worst names in the world and you KNOW he is pissed that it’s his name.
“Shy La Boof? Is there a Chia Lab Oof here? Anyone? Chenille Beowulf? Shiney Labeoux?”
Horrible.
Comment by Pauly D — July 18, 2005 @ 10:57 am
ha. i’m not familiar with Even Stevens, so i thought the Shia character was a woman. yikes. and i KNOW there’s someone out there watching Celebrity Fit Club and is thinking of that Jani (pronounced Janey) dude from Warrant. or is it Warren?
and, though i don’t feel that i fit into this club of misfit names, i do have to clarify that my name is spelled with a K. it’s kind of annoying and if i’m in a bad mood, i am prone to yell at the misspeller because he or she should just know better.
Comment by kristine — July 18, 2005 @ 11:12 am
Hey!
Couldn’t help mentioning that this reminds me of one of my favorite laugh-out-loud sites:
http://www.notwithoutmyhandbag.com/babynames/
Basically people write in asking what the site owner thinks of a name they want to name their kid and she makes fun of them. It’s very funny. At least to me. But then again…
Oh and Imogen Heap’s new CD comes out today!
Comment by Amy — July 18, 2005 @ 12:48 pm
with a name like heather, i always felt superior to jennifer’s and sarah’s, until i lived in halifax, nova scotia, where every 2nd girl was named heather. it ruined me. i still cry every night.
Comment by hkd — July 18, 2005 @ 3:21 pm
I have, too, always felt that the name Heather was far superior to the names Sarah, but never to Jennifer. I think Heather is also better than Marnie, Susie, Gina and Reese, but not better than Alexis and Barbie.
Comment by Pauly D — July 18, 2005 @ 3:30 pm
I knew a girl named Garden. ???
Comment by StationeryQueen — July 18, 2005 @ 3:42 pm
You’re just jealous…
Comment by Dyehaixhhn — July 18, 2005 @ 4:27 pm
I once went to school with a girl whose complete first name was “Maiden Love,” and my bestfriend’s husband’s name is “Junefour.” On our emails we refer to him as 6/4. Not sure where it came from, must’ve been the date of conception or something.
Comment by Leese — July 18, 2005 @ 4:39 pm
Isn’t Kobe Bryant named Kobe because his mother liked the name of Kobe beef?
Comment by Neil — July 18, 2005 @ 5:03 pm
People always spell my name Christa. No H. My name does not begin with Christ. Thanks.
Comment by Crista — July 18, 2005 @ 6:25 pm
could be worse.. you could share a name with literally MILLIONS of people.
Sarah is been on the top 5 most popular names list for the last fucking century. amen to being unique. keep it, fuck everyone else, that’s what i say.
Comment by Sarah — July 18, 2005 @ 6:39 pm
*has
ugh.. i hate when i make typos like that.
Comment by Sarah — July 18, 2005 @ 6:41 pm
I get problems with my every single “name” in my whole name. People screw up my first name all the time, my middle name has some odd capitalization, and my last name is 11 letters and really hard to spell. The telemarketer calls I get are priceless, though.
Comment by Glen C. — July 18, 2005 @ 7:10 pm
This is a post directed a me, isn’t it?
Comment by cybele — July 18, 2005 @ 7:45 pm
At least your name isn’t compared to the strategy of marketing Häagen-Dazs.
Comment by Meg — July 18, 2005 @ 8:09 pm
Sure, but to be named “Chunky Monkey” or “Phish Food” probably would be worse, Meaghan.
Comment by Pauly D — July 18, 2005 @ 8:13 pm
Chunky Monkey is a term of endearment.
Phish Food is just plain mean.
Comment by anonymous city girl — July 18, 2005 @ 8:47 pm
I’m happy with my name, I was named after two aunts so I’ve always felt special.
I feel bad for some kids though, with weird names. Like Apple?! What were they thinking? LOL
Comment by Karen — July 19, 2005 @ 5:42 am
I was born a Matthew, which I decided that I hated by the time was five. I informed everyone that I would be called Adam from then on, and subsequently refused to answer to Matthew, Matt, Matty, or anything that was not Adam.
After three years, my mother decided I was really serious and filed the papers to legally change it. To this day I firmly believe that everyone, upon reaching the age of majority (or earlier, like five, if they’re really determined), should be allowed to choose between keeping their given name and changing it to something that suits them.
I wonder — would that make the bad name problem better, or worse?
Worst name I’ve ever heard: Andy Gorelick. Easier to pronounce than Shia LaBeouf, but miles more embarrassing IMO.
Comment by Adam Messinger — July 19, 2005 @ 1:30 pm
whenever I start to get pissed at someone who misspells or mispronounces my name … I remind myself how close I came to being named “Ralph”.
(thank you, God)
Comment by nicholina rae — July 30, 2005 @ 8:44 am
I was supposed to be ‘Ashley Sunshine Smith’
Just look at the initials, dear people. Enough said.
Comment by java — December 4, 2006 @ 5:34 pm
So…
shia labeouf’s name…
really isn’t that hard.
[shy-yah la-buff]
…it’s a matter of looking at the name and sounding it out.
and out of curiousity…
wtf is wrong with you people that you don’t have anything better to do then pick on someone because of how their PARENTS named them?
Comment by justine — April 29, 2007 @ 7:52 am