Jon Cryer Doesn’t Have An iPod

I swung by the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf for a Saturday afternoon non-coffee ice-cream feeling drink yesterday when I found myself more interested in the man sitting in the high-back, soft-corner chair of the establishment. He was sucking down one of those vanilla-blended drinks and he was listening to an iPod.

The man was none other than Jon Cryer, these days known for the awfully generic “funny kid and two mis-matched male father figure” show Two and a Half Men (which ironically we saw when it was called My Two Dads and Airwolf). And while most people know him for his role as Ducky in John Hughes’ Some Kind of Wonderful Pretty In Pink, it didn’t really matter much because at that particular moment in time I had dubbed him “celebrity in the corner with the iPod.”

Well, he had the white earphones.

When I sat down at the table next to Mr. Cryer, I caught a glimpse of him tweaking his iPod only to notice that he (YES) had the iPod earphones but that they were connected to a lesser product in his pocket. He was quick to pull it out, flip to the next song and put it right back in his pocket. The guy even looked around the room while he did it, I suspect, to make sure no one saw the wool he was trying to pull over the coffee shop’s eyes.

Well, I wasn’t gonna let it rest. This is, of course, due to the fact that I’m somewhat insane about these things — but if you’re going to use iPod earphones I think you should actually be using an iPod. It’s like those people with those car kits — they can’t afford a Lamborghini, so they buy the outer shell of a Lamborghini and put it around the engine of a VW bug. It’s not the same thing and I don’t think you should benefit from people thinking it’s the same thing.

So I got my best passive-agressive mentality going and turned to Mr. Cryer.

Me: “Hey, you got an iPod, huh?”

Jon Cryer: “Yup.”

Literally, he didn’t even look at me. Just sorta got right back into his book without even giving me the time of day. He obviously didn’t want to talk about it.

Me: “Which one do you have?”

He looked at me like I was asking him the most personal question in the world. He put his hand over his pocket where the “iPod” was stored.

Jon Cryer: “You know,” he stumbled, “it holds like a hundred thousand songs or something a little less than that.”

Uh huh.

Me: “The 48 gigabyte one?”

Jon Cryer: “Yeah. The 48 gigabyte one.”

He turned back to his book and I already knew I had caught him in a lie because if you know anything about iPods you know they come in even number capacities. 15, 20, 30, 40, 60, etcetera. But 48? The guy was selling lies and I wasn’t buying. I jumped on his mistake:

Me: “There’s no such thing as an iPod with a 48 gigabyte drive.”

Jon Cryer: “Oh, well whatever. It’s something like that.”

Something like that. SOMETHING LIKE THAT. The words rang through my head like, well, something ringing really loudly in my head. If you have an iPod you know very well that it’s your baby and you know everything about your baby. If you had a real living breathing kid and someone asked you how old they were or what words they’re currently saying or where they go to school — you know all the answers. If you have an iPod and someone asks you anything about it, from the color to the capacity to the battery life to what playlists are in there — you know the answers.

Jon Cryer didn’t.

Me: “You don’t really have an iPod, do you? Why don’t you just admit it?”

Jon Cryer: “Excuse me?”

Me: “You’re listening to some other crappy MP3 player with iPod ear phones so people will think you have an iPod.”

Jon Cryer: “Uh, no. I have an iPod.”

Me: “Can I see it?”

Jon Cryer: “No.”

Me: “C’mon. Just show it to me.”

Jon Cryer: “I don’t have to show you my iPod.”

Me: “So, you don’t have an iPod then?”

Jon Cryer looked at me, closed his book, picked up his coffee and swung himself up from the small table and stood over me in what, I assume, was supposed to be some kind of intimidating movement.

Me: “I’ll take that as a no, then?”

And he gave me this look like I had just asked him the most personal, most rude question in his entire life as he reached for the door and left. With his iPod earphones and his “other portable MP3 audio player” hidden in his pocket so the rest of society wouldn’t know the truth.

Really, it’s no big deal if you have one or don’t have one, but at least have the courage to not have to lie to people about what kind of audio player you have in your pocket.

Seriously, yo?

(Update 12/17/05 — the “real” Jon Cryer e-mailed/left a comment on this post for us today. After some back and forth correspondence it was determined that this individual I had interacted with in the post above was NOT Jon Cryer. But the real Jon Cryer did confirm a few very telling details. (See his comment below.)

He does NOT have an iPOD. Yes, we will still mourn Jon Cryer’s lack of digital material goods, but we will not think of him as the tool I talked to who looked like him. Jon Cryer happens to be a genuine, cool, stand up guy. Thanks, Jon!)

40 comments on “Jon Cryer Doesn’t Have An iPod

  1. Ron - July 17, 2005 at 8:49 am -

    Jon Cryers finest moment as far as I’m concerned was his stirring performance as Jim ‘Wash Out’ Pfaffenbach in Hot Shots! ……

  2. hkd - July 17, 2005 at 9:08 am -

    in response to your comment on my drivel, no, the e-mail isn’t for you.

    just to a friend who has “left a lot out” over the past few months.

    girls are evil.

    i know. i am one.

    oh, and i will be back.

    toodles
    heather d.

  3. Hilary - July 17, 2005 at 9:32 am -

    Maybe you just really startled him and he didn’t get a chance to tell you that his iPOD is being repaired. Thus, explaining why he is using another brand mp3 player with his iPOD headphones. Hmmm?

    p.s. Gravatars aren’t showing.

  4. Pauly D - July 17, 2005 at 9:36 am -

    Would you believe that Gravatar let their domain name lapse or something ridiculous like that? So all over the web, the 1 million plus gravatars are replaced by question marks until those guys can get the domain stuff figured out.

    Crazy!

  5. Bilal - July 17, 2005 at 10:34 am -

    Sweet blog. 🙂

  6. Hilary - July 17, 2005 at 11:27 am -

    Pauly, seriously?

  7. Pauly D - July 17, 2005 at 11:38 am -

    Serious.

  8. Daniel Nicolas - July 17, 2005 at 11:45 am -

    Amazing. I think he had alot of courage to actually wear the white headphones without the iPod.

    If he was mugged for his iPod, and then the mugger discovered it was just a Rio, what would happen next? He could have lost his life.

  9. Pauly D - July 17, 2005 at 11:47 am -

    See, that’s what I’m saying.

    You’re not only trying to give the public some kind of “image” of you and your rich lifestyle and your friggin iPod, but you’re also putting yourself at risk in case someone tries to mug you for the damn thing.

    I know that if I went around mugging people for their iPods and I found out you had a Rio MP3 player after I knocked you down, I would probably kick you a few times in your ribs too, for making me waste all that time dealing with you for no reason.

    You know…if I mugged people for a living.

  10. groovebunny - July 17, 2005 at 12:22 pm -

    I wonder if white iPod earphones go out of style after labor day like white shoes? lol

  11. Elyse - July 17, 2005 at 12:57 pm -

    Nicely done, Pauly. Celebrity run-ins. I’ve had two, and unfortunately, they’ve nto been nearly as entertaining as that. Which two, you ask? Francis from Malcom in the Middle in a McDonalds somewhere in California (with his “dawgs” I might add..ahaha) and Chris Kattan in a hooded sweatshirt trying to be discreet in the Sea-Tac airport…but he didn’t have me fooled! And if I had any sort of courage I would have told him so.

  12. Crista - July 17, 2005 at 1:57 pm -

    Nice looking site. Look forward to reading more of you 🙂
    Jon Cryer. I have only met a few celebrities – living in Canada you sort of meet who accidentally makes it up here and can’t find a way to leave…I met the late John Candy once. Finally got the nerve to ask for an autograph and then ended up telling him that he had freckles to which he responded that so did I. I am a freaking genius, I know. *blush* Your conversation was at least informative and entertaining instead of simply humiliating…well, for you not Jon Cryer. For him it should have been embarassing. Fake iPod. For shame.

  13. Nathan Smith - July 17, 2005 at 2:59 pm -

    That’s a hillarious story. Keep holding our pseudo-celebrities to a higher standard. We ain’t gonna accept anything but the highest standard of behavior from our TV and Movie stars! Or, at the very least we can make them be honest about their mp3 players. You should send the story to the Enquirer and see if they print it. I mean, they’ll print just about anything.

  14. Will - July 17, 2005 at 3:10 pm -

    If I were in your situation, I, too, would have confronted Jon Cryer, but with one minor addition—in that moment when I looked all hurt and shocked, I would have said, “What’s the matter? You gonna CRY?” But then I would have realized how totally predictable that was, so I’d probably regret it.

    He should still be ashamed.

  15. Krista - July 17, 2005 at 4:49 pm -

    That’s awesome, I don’t ever see any celebs, except for Dan Akryod like once.

    Thanks for the birthday wish on my blog, your blog is neat.

  16. anonymous city girl - July 17, 2005 at 5:03 pm -

    Ducky was Pretty In Pink.

  17. Fun Joel - July 17, 2005 at 5:18 pm -

    I saw Topher Grace the other night. Bleached blonde hair and all. But we were out at a bar and the dude wasn’t drinking. And I’m sitting there thinking to myself, at least go over and throw some cash into the bartender’s tip jar, yo. I mean, comne on, you make mad cash. I don’t think you should avoid drinking just because you’re a cheapskate, you know? Unless, of course, he’s in recovery. Then I get it. I’m not saying he is. But, you know, I’d understand his actions then. Sort of.

  18. Bilal - July 17, 2005 at 5:48 pm -

    Thanks man. 🙂

  19. anonymous city girl - July 17, 2005 at 5:54 pm -

    At least it may be that Topher has a concept of money… unlike the two putzes (or is it putzi) The Princes and Paris Hilton.
    I want to see anyone of them try liking in my sudio apartment, pay bills, live without cable TV, work a 9-to-5 job to pay the bills while working in theatre at nights and weekends, and worry about health insurance.
    I don’t begrudge anyone having money… hell if I had it, I would drop mad cash on shit all the time (shoes and weekly massages come to mind), but show a hint of appriciation… especially when it’s thanks to the hard work their relatives (or steps) invested years before they were around.

  20. Luke Dench - July 18, 2005 at 5:49 am -

    I really enjoyed reading your story, quite hilarious I must say. It comes to show that not everything you expect from a celebrity is as it seems.

    I’ve been checking out your blog and you’ve got some very interesting writing going on, keep it up, it’s great!

    Best Regards,

    Luke Dench
    Innovation ( http://darkblaze.mpcdownloads.com/blog/ )

  21. Bartzville - July 18, 2005 at 6:28 am -

    That was by far the best story I heard in an awful long time. I actually “laughed out loud”. Hilarious.

    I’m glad you commented on my blog with your site or else I never would have found your page.

    How did you find my page?

  22. Dave - July 19, 2005 at 11:00 am -

    Did you ever stop to think that maybe his Walleye vision was acting up when he bought it and is too embarrased to admit it? All you did was make matters worse for someone who is suffering from a horrible disease. Shame on you.

  23. Dave - July 19, 2005 at 11:52 am -

    Sorry for the extra post but I just noticed something. John Cryer was Ducky in Pretty in Pink not in Some Kind of Wonderful.

  24. Merujo - July 19, 2005 at 4:11 pm -

    I have a Creative MuVo thingy (I got for free – I had credit with a computer company that didn’t have a wide variety of options.) But, it came with little white earphones. Everyone assumes I have an iPod when they see the white wires coming from my head.

    I’m looking for a new pair of earphones in a different color so people will stop asking if they can see my iPod. They get very disappointed when they see my free piece of crap (which actually works really well.)

  25. yorick - July 27, 2005 at 11:46 am -

    well,
    i liked the story much! Well cast, well improvised and well writtien!
    Though i assume it migh have been a simple communication block-misuse! He must be used to people asking questions and i can imagine him not bein interested in ipod-discussions(especially if you are not interested in these gadgeds as long as “it” works). So “yep” would be a simple and obvious bounce-back…

    Secondly i’ve got iAudio5 for instance which comes with white earphones that may seem similar to ipod’s at first glance http://www.cresyn.com/en/goods/sounder_part_1_599.htm

    And good advice: before you go to grab an ipod at Apple, check out this one http://reviews.cnet.com/4520-3000_7-6245404.html

  26. JI - August 5, 2005 at 9:26 am -

    Seriously, why do you bother with this?

    The guy just went through a messy divorce.

    Quit breaking his balls!

  27. Charlie - August 22, 2005 at 9:41 am -

    Jon Cryer was sitting at the table next to me at Hugo’s in Studio City on Sunday morning. He didn’t have an ipod, but he did have a hot blonde with him.

  28. […] Mind you, it has nothing to do with my recent run-ins with Jon Cryer nor does it have anything to do with the fact that when I was a child my grandfather once told me that “people with three letters for a first name, where the first and last letters are consonants and the middle letter is the vowel “o” and the first consonant has the same sound as the letters “ch” or “sh” — they’re criminals or malcontents.” […]

  29. the name game » things i learn at the gym - September 8, 2005 at 11:36 am -

    […] my gym, like many, has a gajillion TVs set up throughout the place. in each conglomeration of sets, at least one airs the Gym Broadcasting station or whatever. it’s basically just music videos and advertisements for the new juice bar or cardio class. yesterday, i was on the everloving eliptical machine. i was listening to my MP3 player (which was not an iPod, but also not a wanna-be iPod) and viewing some of the especially tacky videos that were on rotation on TV #3. there were the B-52’s, En Vogue, the Backstreet Boys (is it weird that i’m JUST seeing their “Everybody” video now and realizing how completely GAY those boys must be?), and other pop hits from the 90s. […]

  30. Lynn - October 5, 2005 at 10:38 pm -

    I read the story because I really enjoy Jon Cryer… wanted to see what you had to say… but then I regret having even bothered… ugh… Why make something out of nothing? Are you in 6th grade? … get a life… YOU are an idiot, and I find you as annoying as I’m sure Jon did that day as well…

  31. Annie - November 28, 2005 at 6:34 pm -

    Ick! Stumbled across this by (horrible) accident! LA really is full of creeps, and you and you seem to exemplify them!

  32. […] You’d think that if celebrities didn’t have a problem being seen at Starbucks and The Coffee Bean and Ralph’s Supermarket and Hugo’s restaurant and the Arclight Cinemas and The Soup Plantation and my favorite French restaurant and the dog park and the patio furniture store and 24 Hour Fitness, that being seen at my favorite local drug store wouldn’t be a problem either. […]

  33. jon - December 17, 2005 at 12:53 pm -

    Hello paul,
    Sorry to say but whoever you had this run-in with was not jon cryer. I know this because I am jon cryer. I don’t own a pair of white headphones, I have blue sony over-the-ear headphones that I use for running. You’re right though, i don’t have an iPod. Mostly because i subscribe to the napster pay service and my songs won’t play on one. This guy does sound like an asshole though. Sorry if he was rude to you. I somehow feel responsible even though I’m not him. That WAS me in Hugo’s though. All my best, -Jon

  34. […] It’s fairly often that I get e-mails from people asking questions like, “Hey Pauly D — Do you ever worry that a celebrity you write about will track you down and accost you for writing about them?” Usually, the answer is NO — and even after this weekend’s experience with Jon Cryer of CBS’s hit show Two and a Half Men — the answer is still the same after Mr. Cryer left the following comment on the previously aforementioned post: “Hello Paul. Sorry to say but whoever you had this run-in with was not Jon Cryer. I know this because I am Jon Cryer. I don’t own a pair of white headphones, I have blue sony over-the-ear headphones that I use for running. You’re right though, i don’t have an iPod. Mostly because i subscribe to the napster pay service and my songs won’t play on one. This guy does sound like an asshole though. Sorry if he was rude to you. I somehow feel responsible even though I’m not him. That WAS me in Hugo’s though. All my best, -Jon” […]

  35. natalie - May 1, 2006 at 4:50 pm -

    i think Jon Cryer is absolutely awesome, so if i seen someone i thought was him in a coffe shop i wouldnt have cared what mp3 player or ipod he had, i would hardly beable to speak, i’d probably just leave my number on the table by him hehe he’s quite good looking aswell 😀

  36. […] And while the tense slippery Blackberry situation had been resolved, I couldn’t help but wonder why someone would leave an empty Blackberry clip affixed to their belt loop. All that’s going to do is alert the rest of the Blackberriers in a one mile radius. I mean, do you go walking around with an empty bottle of water once it’s finished? Do you go walking around with an empty fanny pack around your waist? Do you go dancing around wearing iPod earphones without any iPod actually attached? […]

  37. […] In other news, as if the real Jon Cryer commenting on this blog wasn’t enough… Last night, 80’s teen star Corey Haim commented as well on the time I saw him eating heavy carbs at the Soup Plantation. […]

  38. Julia Farley - August 29, 2006 at 11:52 am -

    Paula and her assistant were probably running late because they were doing watermelon bady shots and line of coke off the back seat of the limo. See, all that nose candy makes it hard to know when you reek.

    I woulda paid nice greenbacks to see Jon Voigt running about in a senile fit of murmer and spastic scarf waving.

    Pauly, (that’s 2) you are just so gosh darned lucky to be going to posh events to hang out with the wiffy, the insane and the overpaid.

    As for Jon, well, he rocks my world. I would give him my iPod if he wanted it. Wrapped in my panties, of course.

    Heh.

  39. […] read it once. It made unrealistic claims about my iPod. I haven’t been back since.” -Jon […]

  40. Eric M Bouchard - November 10, 2007 at 3:57 am -

    The thing that I want to know is how you work out to keep looking younger than 40 without the pounch. Like most of us do. I am one year older and I need to find a decent routine to get off the extra pounds……..My wife thinks you look pretty good to say the least……

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