Words for My Enjoyment

The Flaw In Underwater Tea Parties

July 5th, 2005

There’s a huge problem infecting this country, and no one is talking about it.

Underwater tea parties (also referred to as ‘globule passing’ and ‘drinking down unda’) have been with us as long as there have been big areas of water for us to swim in. Children jump into pools with wanton abandon, simply yelling “Let’s have an underwater tea party!” and then jumping in. Adults, wanting to relive their childhood, simply say “Let’s revisit that wonderful underwater portion of our youth.”

But once everyone gets down there, in their Indian-style cross-legged goodness — they don’t apply any sort of rules or manners to the whole affair. There are kids wearing bathing suits that are coming off… There are adults who aren’t holding their imaginary tea cups with their pinky outstretched. There are people who don’t even take the time to wait for their friends to burble out some incoherent greeting — they just gurgle over everyone else’s gurgles without really giving anyone much respect.

I think what I’m trying to say here is this: we need some very basic rules, manners and dress codes for the underwater tea party scene if it’s ever going to remain a part of this country’s culture and lexicon. We need someone to step up and make this a reality.

Thank you, don’t mind if I do.

First and foremost, let’s talk about dress code. Before you even think about jumping down into the depths for an underwater tea party, let’s make sure of one very important thing. That your bathing suit is secured tightly. If you’re wearing a bathing suit, gentlemen, make sure that velcro or that tie is secured nice and tight. If you’re a girl wearing a two-piece, let’s make sure the top is good and secure. If you’re wearing a one-piece, ladies, make sure all bubbles are gone from the equation. Because the worst thing that can ruin a well-mannered underwater tea party, is someone flashing someone else. It’s just not welcome.

Secondly, let’s talk about the seating arrangement. We all sit in a circle. That’s it. No questions about it. This means that if you start floating upside down in the middle of the affair, you’re gonna be ousted. If you flip around and are facing the other direction, buh-bye. There’s a very important circle element that must be retained here. We have to all face each other or it’s going to devolve into a Cirque du Soleil underwater tea party. No contortonists, please.

Thirdly, let’s talk about the underwater tea cup. You do not hold it with two hands, like a hot cup of coffee. You do not swing it around upside down and to all sides (duh, the tea would fall out). You hold it gingerly, with your pinky finger extending into the water. You carefully hold your teacup’s base plate with the other hand. When you are not drinking, you hold that underwater tea cup on the underwater tea cup plate. Simple. Easy. Get with the program.

Fourthly, let’s talk about manners for a second. If your fellow underwater tea party guest is talking (i.e., gurling incoherent words to you), you nod and listen. You don’t try to gurgle over their own gurgling. If you see bubbles coming out of their mouth, they’re most likely talking. It doesn’t matter if you can’t hear what they’re saying or if you can’t make out the words. You nod. You smile. You drink your tea and you follow the rules as previously set forth in this document.

Finally — when everyone has had a chance to talk (i.e. gurgle), and they’re done with the tea party (i.e., they can no longer hold their breath), you all must nod to each other before exiting your Indian-style underwater tea party pose… And float to the surface.

These rules are simple to follow, yet hard to execute. But if we can strive to move forward in making these rules and guidelines the norm for underwater tea parties countrywide — I think before long you’ll see that America may still be falling behind China in technology and education… But as for the underwater tea party scene… Well…

We’d be the envy of the World.

Posted under Parties, Underwater. |