Forget about Ian Ziering.
I was walking around in a place that I would never freely admit I was walking around in. (Okay, it was a patio furniture store.) I was perusing a variety of things which I would never freely admit to knowing exactly what they were. (These really cool glider patio chair things with built in cup holders.) And out of the corner of my eye — there she stood. Kristy McNichol.
Best known for her roles in Little Darlings, The Pirate Movie, and the television shows Family and Empty Nest — she was the Britney Spears of the 70’s and 80’s and I’ll never forget that I had the hugest crush on her ever.
But times change, and fortunes wane, and before long you’re not the IT girl from decades prior, but you’re a bitter, wrinkly, limping Los Angeles resident arguing with a patio store manager about the fact that you ordered a black patio side table that was supposed to be here two weeks ago and now, well, still isn’t here.
You can imagine that I tried to diffuse the situation, me being the personable patio store problem solver that I am (i.e., I enjoy talking just to hear myself talk), and so I sidled up to the counter while she was saying something like, “…and you could have called me to tell me this fact before I came down here…” and proudly announced:
“I once ordered a piece of patio furniture that took four weeks to arrive!”
Well, Kristy McNichol, teen star of decades gone by, stared at me like I had just told her that I backed my car up into her Range Rover, and that there was a minor scratch but really nothing that the insurance companies needed to know about.
She just scowled at me with that pretty Little Darlings scowl that she threw Matt Dillon and Tatum O’Neil during the filming of that movie.
The moment ended without any serious conflicts.
Then last night, I realized that my ability to cause celebrities to stalk me was either the cause of a magical wish someone else had made for me, or the fact that they’re Googling themselves, finding WFME, and trying to harrass me so that I’ll stop writing about them.
Last night, I saw Kristy McNichol at the movies.
And I didn’t just see her. She sat behind me (one row behind me) in a screening of War of the Worlds. And she didn’t just sit behind me, but she was talking. And she wasn’t just talking and saying things to disturb me in the movie, but she was periodically kicking my chair.
Normally, I would have said something — but I didn’t want to risk a third meeting.
On my way out, I could sense that Kristy McNichol was behind me… And she was saying things to give me subtle warnings after our run in at the patio furniture store. She was talking to her friend, but saying things like “…those aliens deserved to die…creatures that don’t respect another’s personal space should be punished…” and “…that Tim Robbins character…you just don’t get in someone else’s business unless you really know what you’re talking about…”
It’s no wonder Kristy McNichol was the IT-girl decades prior, with a list of acting accomplishments a mile long. Such experience provided her with the talents to influence, impress-upon, and intimidate (as she did the previous evening while walking out of the theater.)
I hope I never see her again.