Movie Reviewer Construction Kit: War of the Worlds Edition

Previously, I created what the world now knows as The Movie Reviewer Construction Kit — where you could create your own single-line movie reviews by just picking and choosing from columns.

Because, secretly — that’s what all the big time reviewers do anyway.

But in honor of the release of today’s Spielberg extravaganza The War of the Worlds, I would like to present a special edition of the M.R. Construction Kit.

Just pick one line each from columns A, B and C (and tweak the tense or grammar if you must) and voila! Instant War of the Worlds movie quote.

Column A
Well…
So, yeah…
The best…
Aliens abound…
The most amazing…
The most disturbing…
I was hungry…
More fun than…
Watch out, grumpy!
Oh my god!
Yeeeeaaaaah!
Four stars!
Weighing my options…
L. Ron Hubbard…
Like Cruise says…
Out of this world!
Eh, I don’t know…
Tom Cruise is…
Visually stunning!
The best movie of the summer…
Sometimes you gotta take chances…
People…
Chaos…
Fun…
Bang!
Your mind will twist…
Put on Cruise control, because…
Love is in the air…
War of the Worlds is…

Column B
…Cruise really is, still annoying…
…at the sheer impressiveness of this film, and…
…and thankfully not with Katie Holmes…
…no talk of Scientology…
…I’m not really sure what to say…
…it was OK…
…is now the best movie of the year…
…I still can’t shake the crazy Tom Cruise image…
…but it still don’t erase the horrible image of…
…was the last thing I imagined happening…
…you’re going on the ride of your life…
…it really wasn’t that impressive…
…Cruise can’t control shit this time around…
…images of all involve Cruise not talking…
…you’re not going to believe what you’ll see…
…a tour de force of…
…this thing is actually good…
…can kiss my ass…
…cheese…
…action…
…at the cameo of Katie Holmes as an alien…
…movie of the summer…
…stupid…
…insane…
…unable to shake his stupid-head image…
…a Cruise-filled romp…
…five close-ups…
…out-patient surgery…
…a barrel full of Katies…
…a sex change…
…so buy a ticket…
…”I don’t care what other people think”…
…subconsciously annoying…
…I looked at the pros and cons…
…movie about heroes based on sci-fi religions since…
…starring an actor NOT on prescription drugs…
…Sis Boom Bah!
…it’s like being shot in the head…
…”I know more about Ritalin than you…”
…which Spielberg did…
…”Yeaaaaaahhhhh”
…Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah’s couch…

Column C
…which isn’t saying much!
…stupidity!
…egotistical blah blahs!
…and then cause you to never watch the news again!
…Cruise-tastic!
…but let’s be honest, Cruise is still freaky.
…Cough.
…which makes me extremely depressed.
…Battlefield Earth!
…which is quite refreshing!
…and decided anything was better than allergy shots!
…since A Clockwork Orange!
…by a Publicist shootin’ off bullets of lies!
…which is the most intelligent thing he’s ever said!
…mediocrity!
…chaos!
…by letting Cruise do his own press!
…and there really aren’t any Pros.
…it really was damn good, even with Cruise’s smug face!
…it changed my life!
…and more fun than getting chin implants!
…nothing!
…except, “Blech!”
…you’re gonna wanna be Tom Cruise’s new bitch!

8 comments on “Movie Reviewer Construction Kit: War of the Worlds Edition

  1. Pauly D - June 29, 2005 at 8:33 am -

    Mine:

    “Well, it was okay. But let’s be honest, Cruise is still freaky!”

  2. kartooner - June 29, 2005 at 8:37 am -

    Weighing my options at the cameo of Katie Holmes as an alien …you’re gonna wanna be Tom Cruise’s new bitch! – Erik Siegel

  3. srah - June 29, 2005 at 8:52 am -

    Your mind will twist a barrel full of Katies and then cause you to never watch the news again!

  4. Amy Steier - June 29, 2005 at 10:25 am -

    I’m proud of myself. Bill Maher was an awesome guess on the Rigatoni Factor!

  5. Will - June 29, 2005 at 9:25 pm -

    Rumors say that Tom Cruise has abandoned the new Farenheit 451 film because director Mel Gibson made a joke about Scientology. I didn’t make the rumor; I’m just passing it on. Don’t shoot the messenger.

    Anyway, you’ve done the world another great service, Paul. Nice work.

  6. Capital Region People - June 30, 2005 at 8:15 pm -

    Tom Cruise: War of the Worlds

    I’m not really a Tom Cruise fan, but I’ve seen several of his movies and I must say, in “The War of The Worlds” Tom delivers a stunning performance! I was pleased to see this motion picture! (Almost passed up the invite!) Yes, I’d recommend YOU check…

  7. Sophia - July 4, 2005 at 12:05 am -

    Boring, corny, annoying, funny when it means to be scary, storyless mush.

    Oh, and those twisting reconnaissance creatures reminded me of a Discovery Channel’s show about colonoscopy.

  8. Sophia - July 4, 2005 at 12:13 am -

    Sorry, didn’t see your entire post, so let’s try again, following your directive:

    So, yeah…

    …”Yeaaaaaahhhhh”

    …which isn’t saying much!

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