The Instantaneous Rigatoni Factor: Celebrity Edition

I was sitting in a local Italian restaurant the other day.

Mind you, I wasn’t just sitting. I was eating some garlic bread, pushing my fork around in what used to be a huge plate of lasagna, and eavesdropping.

Yes, I was being bad.

But when you’re sitting just opposite a certain celebrity who you’ve seen on TV many times and who has brought laughter into the world, you expect that they’re going to be funny and happy-go-lucky in the real world too. But not today. Said TV celebrity was having issues.

“I ordered rigatoni,” he said. “This is penne. And I don’t like penne.”

“I’m sorry, sir,” the waitress shot back. “But you said penne. I have it written down right here. Look.”

“All I see is chicken scrabblin’,” he said. “You might as well be a doctor, prescribing medication to me instead of serving me incorrectly scrabbled pasta dishes.”

“Well, you can at least make out the ‘P’,” she said. “And Penne starts with a ‘P’…not an ‘R’.”

“Sure,” he said. “But an ‘R’ is a ‘P’, just without it’s little tripody-leg. You have to believe that, for just a split second, that you could have scribbled an R and forgot to add the little leg, thus rendering it handicapped…and a ‘P’ at the same time. Don’t you think?”

“No, sir. I don’t.” she shot back.

“Well,” he said… “I’ll expect my rigatoni, somewhat instantaneously if that’s OK.”

“Instantaneously?” she responded. “Who uses the word ‘instantaneously’ in the food service world?”

“The guy who can get you fired if he wants to,” he shot back.

The rigatoni arrived about five minutes later.

7 comments on “The Instantaneous Rigatoni Factor: Celebrity Edition

  1. Amy Steier - June 28, 2005 at 8:32 am -

    Almost sounds like Dennis Miller, but not as verbose as him. Could it be Bill Cosby? No, I can’t picture him being rude. Maybe Bill Maher, only less foul-mouthed. Am I close?

  2. Pauly D - June 28, 2005 at 8:45 am -

    Great guesses, Amy.

  3. casey - June 28, 2005 at 9:24 am -

    Pauly, why are you protecting him?!

  4. Danielle - June 28, 2005 at 11:05 am -

    I was going to say Ray Romano, since he’s Eye-talian and all, but then I remembered that you described this celebrity as having “brought laughter into the world.”

  5. groovebunny - June 28, 2005 at 12:59 pm -

    Hmmm…I’m probably wrong but I’m going with Seinfeld.

  6. Pauly D - June 28, 2005 at 4:28 pm -

    If I were to actually tell you who it was, and it ever got back to me, I would lose any possible chance of me EVER getting an opportunity to write for any kind of late night cable or network talk show.

  7. ac - June 29, 2005 at 8:34 pm -

    o pauly, don’t worry. those late night talk show types don’t read blogs. Spill.

    give us a hint like–
    If you reveal his name, will it get you banned from the Playboy Mansion?

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