I Am Afraid of Hide n’ Go Seek

Most people like to be the ones who hide.

In fact, people desperately do all they can to be that person. Usually before you can even decide who’s gonna seek and who’s gonna hide, some idiot yells, I’ll hide!! and runs off before you can even say anything. From the distance you can usually hear “Start counting!!! I’m hiding!!! like they’ve planned for this moment from the day they were born.

Personally, hiding scares the crap out of me.

Think about it: with a clock ticking down (some guy shouting numbers from somewhere else in the location you’re playing) you’ve got to quickly find the best hiding spot ever which usually ends up being a dark closet, a dusty spot under a bed, in a small toy chest, behind an old creaky door, in a dark dank basement, in a small garage freezer that is used in the off-season to store fish, and/or bathroom showers/tubs with cheery but opaque curtains to hide behind.

I would rather eat styrofoam and have to get my stomach pumped than hide in one of those creepy places…only to wait for the “ticking clock” to reach zero and then expect that sometime soon, without warning, some person is going to freak the crap outta me when they suddenly creep quietly to my hiding place and yell something like Gotcha! at ear-shattering high decibels.

Hell, when you think about it — seeking is pretty freaky too.

For as the seeker, you’re playing the part of a camera in a horror film — walking through an abandoned house in an attempt to find a hidden “thing” or person. Opening doors, pulling back curtains, never knowing for sure if someone’s back there. God, thinking about it just gives me stomach cramps.

Really, the title of this post should be “I Am Afraid of Hide n’ Go Seek…Period.

They might as well take this children’s game to the next level and add a few extra little features if what they’re really going for is to (subconsciously) scare me to death. Here’s what should be added:

1. The “hider” is equipped with a large American Gladiators cattle-prod/lifesize Q-tip head-smasher device. When you, the “seeker” finds them, they will hit you in the face.

2. The seeker is equipped with a small speaker around their neck, that continues to play the theme music from Jaws through it while playing the game in an attempt to really intimidate the “hider.”

3. The “hider” is equipped with a small electrical device that matches the experience of getting shot with a tazer gun. When the “seeker” finds the “hider” — such a device sends a small electrical current into the body of the “hider” to, you know, incapacitate them momentarily.

4. For every 30 seconds over a specified time limit in which the “seeker” has not found the “hider”, neutral players from outside the playing field will shoot small (but painful) darts into their neck from afar. This will, of course, motivate the seeker to find the hider.

5. Prior to the game starting, the hider and seeker both place a wheel of year old rotten muenster cheese in a hiding place. If either hider or seeker ends up coming across their opponents rotten wheel of cheese before they “hide” or “seek”, they must eat said wheel of cheese or face immediate disqualification.

Now, that’s scary.

5 comments on “I Am Afraid of Hide n’ Go Seek

  1. casey - June 7, 2005 at 9:22 am -

    6. All participants are equipped with those cameras that strap onto the head (a la MTV’s Fear) for the new reality show: Hide n’ Go Fug Yourself

  2. monkeyinabox - June 7, 2005 at 9:41 am -

    It’s more fun to do this with someone you don’t want to be around and tell them to go hide. Meanwhile, you kick back with a tasty drink and never seek. Suckas!

  3. Kathleen - June 7, 2005 at 11:55 am -

    This is the scariest idea I had for hide n seek, but we didn’t do it for obvious reasons…
    We wanted to play in a old church with all the lights off, and the seeker had to wear the “Scream” outfit.
    I don’t think God would have been pleased…

  4. groovebunny - June 7, 2005 at 12:50 pm -

    Pauly, I think you have the makings of a new reality tv show on your hands!

    When we were kids, us cousins used to play hide n’ seek in our grandma’s garage. The way we played the game though was all the girls would hide, in places you pretty much described, the boys would seek. All the lights would be turned off. When the girls were found there was lots of screaming, since the guys would make monster noises and grab at us. And then us girls would defend ourselves by scratching our way out of their grasps until we were all a bunch of kids running around in the dark, blind as bats (no echo-location abilities), and bouncing off each other. lol Fun times!

  5. Fully - June 7, 2005 at 3:46 pm -

    I always have to pee when I’m hiding.

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