Today’s Page Six Article About Katie Holmes (From The Future)

Los Angeles — Warner Bros. executives were stunned today when Katie Holmes, co-star of the hugely successful “Batman Begins” informed them that she would not be honoring her contractual agreements to co-star in the anticipated sequel. Holmes’ lawyers, who declined to comment specifically, submitted legal documents today which ended up on The Smoking Gun‘s website and which laid out the reasons why Holmes has decided to put her career in jeopardy by going against her contract.

The legal document states that Holmes is uncomfortable portraying a character who falls in love with a man in a costume — more specifically “fallilng in love with a human being who is not comfortable with his outer appearance and thus ‘not clear'”. Holmes’ lawyers suggest that if the sequel includes a sequence where Bruce Wayne visits a religious organization where he realizes that he no longer needs be afraid of who he is and tithes ten-percent of his current yearly salary to said Gotham organization, that Holmes would possibly reconsider her decision to ankle the movie franchise. Other smaller demands from the Holmes camp include wanting to remove any and all drug references (including Diet Coke or Sprite) from the film’s narrative world, allow Holmes to wear more conservative clothing that is “frilly” and rename the title character “Man Who Once Was Sad, But Now Is Clear.”

Warner Bros. executives have yet to respond to these specific requests but have issued a press release stating that Holmes “signed a contract and should be held to said executed document.”

In other news, Holmes has recently announced that she “loves Tommy”, “is happier than she has ever been in this life or the ones prior where she wasn’t so happy because she wasn’t clear”, and “hopes that she gets that role in the remake of Mary Poppins because Mary ‘is the kind of woman I aspire to be’.”

Tom Cruise declined to comment, except for saying, “Anyone who doesn’t support Kate in her decision to abandon a project obviously hellbent on corrupting the world’s children should burn in Hell, or at least the Hell that L. Ron Hubbard wrote about, which includes some really cool spaceships and laser-gun battles.”

4 comments on “Today’s Page Six Article About Katie Holmes (From The Future)

  1. suze - June 4, 2005 at 2:11 pm -

    oh my god, that was hilarious. but you forgot the part where the drug references are replaced with vitamins 😉

  2. C(h)ristine - June 4, 2005 at 5:01 pm -

    You rock, Pauly!

    I keep thinking now, about Nicole Kidman’s film choices while married to Tom Cruise…aside from the fact that she made VERY few movies, i wonder if they had any drug references…? She did play a murderess in “To Die For,” Tom Cruise must have gotten more extreme in recent days.

  3. groovebunny - June 4, 2005 at 8:32 pm -

    The fact that she calls him “Tommy” makes me want to barf.

  4. Jack - June 21, 2005 at 3:19 pm -

    Give it a break. What kind of loonies are you for heavens sake. Nichole Kidman…….so, she made very few films (But she is damn good). So she called Tom Tommy. So…big f….. deal. They WERE married, they WERE in love and I presume they are still friends. You yanks need to get a life and stop seeing stars in these people. Tom, Kate,Nichole and the likes of them are humans just like us. Come down to reality and stop picking on Toms past history or should I say Nichole’s past history when married to Tom………your site sucks.your pathetic phone call sucks and you need to grow up and get a life. As us Australians say…BUILD A go dwell on that a bit.

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