Words For Your Enjoyment: Deep Throat
June 3rd, 2005
Okay, hotshot — here’s how it all breaks down.
Every Friday is “Words For Your Enjoyment” — a day where YOU (the reader) supply ME (the writer) with an idea for a post. If I use it, you get a link to your blog or your Yahoo! shopping site where you sell wheelbarrows or your e-mail, and all the world reviles in your famousness.
Like Dylan. Who suggested for today’s topic that I write “something about Deep Throat finally being revealed.”
Way to go, Dylan-ator.
The fact of the matter is this — Deep Throat has finally been revealed. Woodward and Bernstein had been keeping these facts, of course, close to the vest until they got scooped themselves this week by Esquire magazine that yes, you guessed it, Deep Throat was none other than #2 FBI guy, Mark Felt.
The real reason for the “final reveal” of Deep Throat’s identity of course, was motivated by his family. But not for the reasons they’re telling you on the news. In reality, his family has not stepped forward to help him reveal himself because he’s “a hero” or because it was finally time for him to get “noticed as a true historical do-gooder.” The reality behind why he has finally been revealed is because things were getting annoying around the house.
Here’s why:
Situation #1: Mark Felt’s daughter, sitting alone in the kitchen.
Mark Felt: (yelling, from another room) Deep Throat needs some toilet paper!!!
His Daughter: Okay! One second!
Mark Felt: Seriously! Deep Throat needs some two ply goodness, NOW!
Situation #2: At the dinner table.
Mark Felt: Deep Throat wants the drumsticks.
Grandson: Can’t I have the drumstick? You always get the drumstick?
Mark Felt: Deep. Throat. Gets. The. Drumstick!!!
Situation #3: In the den.
Daughter: Can you turn on the TV?
Mark Felt: Deep Throat likes quiet.
Daughter: But it’s the only TV in the house.
Mark Felt: What did Deep Throat tell you, woman?
Daughter: Why does Deep Throat always get to decide?
Mark Felt: Because Deep Throat says so.
As you can imagine, it started to get old. And when you’ve got an old senile man who requires a walker, referring to himself as Deep Throat day in and day out, and has this unrealistic sense of importance, it’s time to reveal him for who he is. An old man named Mark Felt.
And don’t even get me started on the un-impressive nature of his real name. “Mark Felt he was a historical hero.” “Mark Felt sad after the press died down.” “Mark Felt a little sad but very excited all at the same time.” Really, who cares what Mark Felt.
Man, I wish Deep Throat would come back.
It was such a cooler name.
—
In other news, I will be visiting the glorious city of Boston, MA for the first time this month. If anyone knows of great places to visit — please, drop me a line. I’m looking, most importantly, for a great cereal bar, a great historical site and a great bar that serves taquitos.
ummm…i think they got scooped by vanity fair.
but funny none-the-less
Comment by suze — June 3, 2005 @ 10:47 am
Vanity Fair…Esquire.
Really? What’s the difference, except for the letter V, F, A, N, T, and Y?
Comment by Pauly D — June 3, 2005 @ 10:52 am
Deep Throat called me and said he approved of this post, Pauly.
Mark Felt, however, could not be reached for comment.
Comment by Dylan — June 3, 2005 @ 11:25 am
well, when you put it that way…
Comment by suze — June 3, 2005 @ 11:53 am
Mark Felt like Tiffany’s at Copley Place was an excellent portion of historical Boston. Katherine, however, felt that catching a Sox game was a better use of time in Boston.
Comment by Katherine — June 3, 2005 @ 1:31 pm
don’t know much about boston except for the fact the Sox suck. But if you visit NYC soon, I know a guy that would like to buy you a beer.
Comment by fat dude — June 3, 2005 @ 2:54 pm
I’ll be in Boston the week of the 13th. Wouldn’t it be great fun if we were at the same restaurant and didn’t know it and then I saw you and accused you of stalking me?
Comment by Lori — June 3, 2005 @ 3:56 pm
I aspire to be your stalker, Lori.
Comment by Pauly D — June 3, 2005 @ 5:17 pm
Wait, are you visiting Boston for the first time in the month of June 2005? Or, are you in this month visiting Boston for the first time in your life?
Because if it’s the former, then that’s not so big a deal considering we’re only like three or four days into this month. And if it’s the latter, how do you know it’s so glorious?
Funny post, by the way.
Comment by Will — June 3, 2005 @ 9:07 pm
“Really, who cares what Mark Felt.”-made me spit out my steaming cup of joe this morning. In a good way of course.
Damn you!
Comment by casey — June 4, 2005 @ 7:59 am
All I kept thinking when I heard the news on Felt was that Mark Felt wasn’t getting enough deep throat action these days so it was time to spill the beans. Too bad Woodward and Bernstein made that won’t reveal their source until after said source dies oath.
Boston, wonderful city! For historical, I went to Fenway. But the last time I was there good Mexican food was non-existent. Good luck in finding the elusive taquitos and have a great time in Boston!
Comment by groovebunny — June 4, 2005 @ 8:42 pm
Dude, I live in boston. I’ve never heard of taquitos, and I will have to agree that the mexican food in boston sucks. However, I do know of a good Afghani restaurant and an even better Ethiopian one.
Also, you should definitely for sure visit the Sam Adams brewery while you are here. That’s about as historical (and awesome) as you can get in Boston. Never you mind that revolutionary war crap, and forget about the Freedom Trail. Although if you’re in the mood, you might want to try a Duck Tour. Sometimes they let you drive the duck!
Comment by Jessica — June 7, 2005 @ 1:28 pm