If I was an Abercrombie & Fitch model, I would pose a lot.
Most often, I’d stop whatever I was doing when people would walk nearby my rock-hard body and I would lean on something. Usually so that I looked like I was reclining in some kind of way, that made me look like I was relaxing in typical A&F fashion.
I would, of course, never say hello to you — I would do my trademark “upwards head nod” which is a simple nod upwards. No up and down motion. No side to side motion. Just from whichever position my head was currently in when we locked eyes, I would do the quick upwards nod. That means, “Hey, whaddup?” in A&F body language.
I’d probably never set foot in a drug store. As an A&F model, I’d just never go places with flourescent lighting. I’d only go places with mood lighting. Because mood lighting is what makes my fitted T-shirts and baggy, ripped jeans look hot. I’d also probably never drive or park in areas that had those ticket kiosk things. A&F models don’t pay for parking. Valet all the way, baby.
But with all the good times and women in baby-T’s and alternative music playing in my head and surfboards and drawstring pants — there would be one thing about being an A&F model that I would categorically, 110% not be happy with…
The phrase, “I’m an Abercrombie model.”
Why? Because more often than not when you say something to someone they have to say “What did you just say?” because most people are not listening. As a result, when I said the above phrase, people would hear things come out of my mouth like:
I’m a crummy model.
I’m aboriginal bee.
I’m a neighbor. Come bemer, yodel!
What else they’d hear, of course, is anyone’s guess.