I Am Afraid of IKEA

furniture \Fur”ni*ture\ 1: that with which anything is furnished or supplied. 2: articles used for convenience in a house or apartment.

I have tried to beat FLARKE to a pulp. I have attempted to master all that is ENETRI. I have collapsed while reading the instructions for JARNA and have (I think) caused a blood clot on the left side of my brain while trying to screw together FAGERUM. In every single instance and experience with the foreign-furniture-food serving-amusement park they call IKEA, I have ultimately ended up in the corner, shaking with fear.

Movie Reviewer Construction Kit: War of the Worlds Edition

Previously, I created what the world now knows as The Movie Reviewer Construction Kit — where you could create your own single-line movie reviews by just picking and choosing from columns.

Because, secretly — that’s what all the big time reviewers do anyway.

But in honor of the release of today’s Spielberg extravaganza The War of the Worlds, I would like to present a special edition of the M.R. Construction Kit.

Just pick one line each from columns A, B and C (and tweak the tense or grammar if you must) and voila! Instant War of the Worlds movie quote.

I Am Afraid of The Columbia House CD Club

club \’kleb\ 1: an association of persons participating in a plan by which they agree to make regular payments or purchases 2: to beat or strike with a heavy weapon

I am afraid of the Columbia House compact disc club.

The scariest thing about the Columbia House compact disc club is that even before “the evil record and tape people” (whose business cards were changed back in ’91 to “the evil compact disc people”) have started to suck you into their world of never-ending reply cards, check off boxes and glossy magazines touting “this month’s special artist,” you’re already their bitch.

The Instantaneous Rigatoni Factor: Celebrity Edition

I was sitting in a local Italian restaurant the other day.

Mind you, I wasn’t just sitting. I was eating some garlic bread, pushing my fork around in what used to be a huge plate of lasagna, and eavesdropping.

Yes, I was being bad.

But when you’re sitting just opposite a certain celebrity who you’ve seen on TV many times and who has brought laughter into the world, you expect that they’re going to be funny and happy-go-lucky in the real world too. But not today. Said TV celebrity was having issues.

“I ordered rigatoni,” he said. “This is penne. And I don’t like penne.”

“I’m sorry, sir,” the waitress shot back. “But you said penne. I have it written down right here. Look.”

If I Was A Blogger With A Lack of Short Term Memory

If I was a blogger with a lack of short term memory…well, hmm. What was I going to say? If I was a blogger with a lack of… Of, hmm.

I like cheese. But that’s not what I was going to say.

Let’s see… I sat down here after eating something, I’m not quite sure what that was but that’s not the point because when I initially sat down here I… Wait. What was I saying? Where the hell did all of these words come from? I’ll be right back…there may be someone in the house who was on my computer a second ago…