How Watching the Finale of Lost Is Like Someone Smashing You In The Head With A Non-Stick Frying Pan

Disclaimer: There will be spoilers below from the finale of “Lost”, so if you haven’t seen it or care about these things, then please turn back now.

Let me pose a question to you:

Imagine you’re sitting in a college auditorium, with your laptop, about ready to listen to the Professor tell you all you need to know about a certain subject. Hell, you’ve paid your dues (i.e. tuition) and now it’s time to fill your head with useful information that you can, one day, use to your advantage.

There’s only one problem.

Each and every time the Professor gets ready to let you in on some very insightful or interesting information, about the time you’re ready to type it into your laptop or start to process the information, one of his or her teacher’s assistant comes around and smacks you in the face with a frying pan. It’s problematic, to say the least — because it brings up even more problems and makes it even harder to concentrate, focus or learn a damn thing.

Enter the Season Finale of Lost.

Trust me — I have been a dedicated fan of this show from the beginning. I have watched each show, as it aired, every week. I have been desperate to know the answers. I have been patient. I have read magazine articles and interviews with the Producers and Writers who have said (and I quote): “The finale of Lost is definitely going to answer a lot of questions that the fans have…”

Did it? Uh, let me ponder that question for a second while I ready my frying pan and hit myself in the face.

No.

There have been major elements that have been introduced over the course of this first season of Lost and they include:

An invisible monster we haven’t seen, but heard.
A hatch, that can’t be opened.
A selection of unlucky numbers, whose importance we can’t confirm.
A raft, whose escape is uncertain.
The major question, of what’s really going on.

Those are the major questions. And, let’s see what the writers gave us in the finale:

Some kind of floaty-smoke that’s supposed to resemble a monster.
A hatch, now opened, that has a ladder leading down inside.
More unlucky numbers, whose importance we can’t confirm.
A raft, which is destroyed, while trying to escape.
A group of guys right out of “Deliverance” who come out of nowhere to steal a cast member.

No answers. More questions.

I said weeks ago that if these writers didn’t deliver in the Season Finale that I would be done with Lost and I’m proud to say that since they have NOT delivered, and because I am a man of my word…

I will continue to watch like the bitch they’ve made me.

Damn you, “Lost”. Damn you all to Hell!

9 comments on “How Watching the Finale of Lost Is Like Someone Smashing You In The Head With A Non-Stick Frying Pan

  1. C(h)ristine - May 26, 2005 at 10:14 am -

    ah — so THAT’s why my head hurts today after watching “Lost” last night. frying pan explains it all.

  2. C(h)ristine - May 26, 2005 at 10:15 am -

    um. ohyah i forgot to specify non-stick.
    (why the non-stick, pauly?)

  3. em - May 26, 2005 at 11:33 am -

    peering quizzically over the edge of a manhole is supposed to be a dire cliffhanger? pah.

  4. Pauly D - May 26, 2005 at 11:35 am -

    My thoughts exactly, em.

    A man hole cover.

  5. aamandarin - May 26, 2005 at 12:07 pm -

    No wonder I have such a bruise on my forehead this morning…

  6. monkeyinabox - May 26, 2005 at 12:57 pm -

    Yeah, the lame recap of them on the plans, before revealing NOTHING didn’t help either. For a second when the tree was pulled up my Lock, I thought I had it all figured out. They were on the backside of a ZOO in California. The monter was a crane, the polar bear was a exhibit as well as the pirate ship. The dynomite blew that theory apart, but wouldn’t it have been funny to find out they were in outskirts of a big city all along?

  7. justin - May 26, 2005 at 1:10 pm -

    I guess it did its purpose in stirring up conversation.

  8. inside my skull - May 27, 2005 at 9:30 am -

    The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn’t a crazy glue sniffer?…Next thing you know, there’s money missing off the dresser and your daughter’s knocked up, I seen it a hundred times.

    {Music: Oasis – What’s the Story Morning Glory; Mood: chuckling} For any of you Lost watchers out there (of which i am not one), or those who simply know what it’s like to get totally sucked into watching a tv…

  9. inside my skull - May 27, 2005 at 9:35 am -

    The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn’t a crazy glue sniffer?…Next thing you know, there’s money missing off the dresser and your daughter’s knocked up, I seen it a hundred times.

    {Music: Oasis – What’s the Story Morning Glory; Mood: chuckling} For any of you Lost watchers out there (of which i am not one), or those who simply know what it’s like to get totally sucked into watching a tv…

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